Wed 24 Aug, 2022 09:08 am
First off my bestfriend, Kelly, is my ex. We have been best friends since we were in elementary school. We dated for two years in our early twenties until we realized we were better off as friends. It ended 7 years ago, but Kelly and I still hang out regularly. My fiancée, Jane, has never mentioned having a problem with this.
Awhile back Jane told me she found the perfect invitations for our wedding. So she asked me to work on my half of the guest list. Combined our guest lists were over 130 people. Jane and I had planned on keeping it under 100 people. So we worked together to cut unnecessary people. Never had Jane mentioned cutting Kelly from the guest list. I got my part off the list down to less than fifty so I left Jane to finish up the list and send it to the printers.
The invitations were all sent out. I found out a couple days ago that Kelly has not gotten her invitation yet. I thought that was odd and asked some friends and family if they had gotten theirs yet and they all said they started receiving them about two weeks ago. Some of them live really far away and Kelly lives in the same town as us so at first I thought it was odd that hers got lost in the mail.
I mentioned this to Jane and asked her for the printers number to see about getting another invite sent to Kelly. That’s when Jane told me she didn’t have one sent to Kelly. She says it would be weird/wrong for Kelly to attend the wedding since even though she is my best friend she is also technically my ex and that that should have been obvious to me. She then admitted that she always thought it was weird we hung out together, but let it go since she knew we were planning on moving away closer to family once she got pregnant. I should probably also add that Jane might have some issues with jealousy because she has before complained that Kelly is “prettier” than her on several occasions. So now I’m thinking that might play I to it.
But anyway I don’t know what I should do now. I have already asked Kelly to be my bestman/woman and I know she’s already been planning a fun trip with our other friends. Jane is also mad about that because she says I should have asked her permission for Kelly to be in the wedding party. I suppose it’s a miscommunication on my part, but I thought it would be obvious since she knows Kelly is my best friend. We got into a big fight about it all and she put her foot down and says Kelly is not allowed at our wedding and after the wedding I can’t see her anymore.
What do I do? I’m thinking about canceling the wedding. Is that reasonable? I’m worried that it will mean the end of Jane and our relationship which isn’t what I want, but I don’t want to lose my best friend either.
I’m also starting to wonder if maybe Jane is right and that Kelly’s and I relationship is inappropriate. For reference we do hang out for an hour early every morning as we are running/workout buddies. We online game together once or twice a week. Maybe once a month we’ll go on a hike. On occasion we go to events like concerts, mma matches, conventions. etc. We went to the beach a few times this summer as well. Most of the time we don’t do these things alone though. We invite other mutual friends to come. Including Jane. She often doesn’t come though because she doesn’t like these things. Jane will come along with the group if we go out to eat or to the movies. Is that too weird for a friendship?
Given how long you've known her, the fact that you've moved on since you and Kelly split and have remained best friends, I think your fiancé is being rather heavy-handed about not inviting her to the wedding, especially if she is or was going to be your "best man".
I don't think anyone should be able to tell anyone else who they should or shouldn't see or be friends with. I find that completely unreasonable and demanding.
If Kelly were a man or if you had never dated, this would certainly not be an issue, so your fiancé has jealousy issues, as you have suggested.
I don't know what you should do about your wedding, but it doesn't sound good to me. Nobody should tell you who your friends should be and that you aren't allowed to see them (or anything else, for that matter). I'm also concerned that your fiancé decided on her own to not invite someone. That's a couple decision. Bad start to a marriage. Maybe postpone it.
Echoing what Mame said, this sounds like a problem which might have been avoided with more communication but has reached a somewhat ominous level. It's possible that Jane has resented this friendship with Kelly for some time – she may have discussed this with some of her friends and has now become more up front about it because of their encouragement. (On the other hand, I think I would have objected to my bride having her ex as a "Man of Honor" standing in for a bridesmaid.) In any case, I think this should have been discussed and settled previously. And, should you get married, while Kelly may remain your best friend, I think you should be sensitive to Jane's feelings here. In a marriage, the perceived strength of commitment is important.
I don't think any of the activities you listed sound out of the ordinary for friends. They certainly doesn't warrant your fiancée demanding you never see her again. To me that and her cutting someone from the invite list without discussing it or giving you a heads up is a red flag. But then again maybe there are some small details about how you guys interact that are concerning her.
This all should probably be discussed in couples counseling. How long until the wedding? If you still have several months than maybe you and your fiancée can work things out without having to cancel or change the date. If the wedding is close than I would consider postponing at the very least.
It’s supposed to be in 3 months.
If you two are already assuming things with each other, and not communicating, imagine how it'll be if you have a kid and you're sleep-deprived.
"But honey, you were supposed to figure out I wanted a jelly doughnut!"
Well, no. You're not a mind reader.
And neither is Jane.
You assume Kelly is invited and is in the wedding party. Jane assumes you realize it's upsetting her.
This is passive-aggressive to the max.
Canceling or postponing weddings is an expensive pain in the ass.
But divorce is a helluva lot more expensive and much more of a pain, particularly if kids are involved.
Marry in haste, repent at leisure. You two have massive unresolved issues. Don't tie the knot until you are well on your way to resolving them, perhaps with a therapist.