Pilots' gripe sheets will scare you away from flying

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet, "which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
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(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
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P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.
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P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.
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P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.
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P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
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P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.
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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget