How to tell family we don’t want them to come over to our house (aka the family house)?

Reply Mon 25 Jul, 2022 10:35 pm
Earlier this year we were approached by my uncle. He explained how he and my aunt were having financial difficulties and were at risk of losing the house. The house in question was originally my grandparents. He knew my husband and I were looking to buy a house in the area. He wanted us to buy it so it would stay in the family.

It’s a really nice house so long story short we now we own it. This was a huge mistake. Everyone in the family is always expecting to come over to hang out/go swimming/have a bbq. Everyone else in the family lives in small apartments so our place is the only big enough place for a family parties. It’s also expected that any family from out of town gets to stay here for free when they come and visit and we’ve already gotten multiple requests to visit this summer. My aunt and uncle and my grandparents before that were all very open with people coming over.

My husband and I hate hosting people. We are introverts and like it when things are quiet. Our family however likes to have family gatherings a lot. I’ll admit we were extremely naive to not think this would be an issue, but its probably because I often ignore our family group chat and don’t attend a lot of gatherings, so I am out of the loop.

We are considering selling the house because we don’t want to deal with this anymore. However if we were to sell no one else in the family could afford to buy it from us. Personally we don’t care about a stranger buying it, but I’m guessing a lot of the family would be very upset based on the previous reactions to almost losing the house. There was lots of crying.

I’m thinking another option might be to send out a mass text to everyone explaining how we are not okay with all of these visits. However I am struggling to come up with the right words that can get the point across politely. I’ve previously been told that in writing I come across as very abrupt and cold/rude. So I was wondering if anyone could help me write something more tactful.
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Reply Tue 26 Jul, 2022 05:22 am
Perhaps you could just respond to requests to come/stay over with a simple, "That doesn't work for us." and eventually they'll get the idea.
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Reply Tue 26 Jul, 2022 05:24 am
Here's a suggestion.

Reframe it.

Instead of--- never darken my door, try something like:

Dear Family,

We love living in the family house and would love to invite you for the following days:

* Labor Day weekend
* Xmas (or Chanukah or Kwanzaa as appropriate)
* Easter (or Passover or possibly Eid, if appropriate)
* July 4th weekend

We hope you can come! Since not everyone will fit to stay over, here are the names of 3 reasonably priced hotels in the area (bonus points if you have enough people where you can get a discount if enough folks stay there):

{list the hotels with addresses, phone numbers, websites, and rates. Make everything crystal clear and simple to find}

Drop-ins are hard for us to host. If you're in town some time other than the days we listed above, we suggest one of the above hotels. We would love to see you but overnight hosting would be too difficult.

Thank you for respecting our schedule and needs, and we look forward to seeing you.


If you don't cook, then throw in something about potluck.

Make the four dates for no more than 3 days apiece. So, a total of 12 days. The dates are spread apart and there's one for each quarter.

With the 2 religious holidays, you may find people don't want to come because they want to go to their in laws or their own house of worship, etc.

I realize that you don't want to host at all. This is a compromise. It also means you control the days and the length of time people stay. You make it clear that you love to see everyone but you want it to be on your own terms.

If anyone asks why it would be too difficult, don't launch into a long explanation. Just say something like, it's hard for us to host properly and we want to do right by you.

If anyone balks, it's your house. You get to make the rules.
Reply Fri 29 Jul, 2022 01:43 pm
LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That would have been my reaction!!!
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Reply Fri 29 Jul, 2022 01:45 pm
Simple..... "We don't entertain." When it comes to my home? I am extremely brash. My doormat says, literally, "Go Away".
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