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The perils of waxing your bikini line-ROTFLMHO

 
 
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 07:53 am
This is painfully hysterical and graphic. Not for the faint of heart. ---BBB

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours. Maybe I should get the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.

YA THINK?

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (smart!) Cold wax my rear end. (Oh how this phrase haunts me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. WOW! I can do this. Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP! I'm blind! Blinded from pain!....OH MY GAWD!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair...The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Sh*T! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake....remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

"Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right? WRONG!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water! Which, by the way, DOES NOT melt cold wax!

So now I am stuck to the bottom of the tub!

God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter. "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. (that b&*#h!) She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom. "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the side of the box and ruin someone else's night while we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in boiling hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land.

My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GAWD! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I
really don't care.

"IT WORKS! It works! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE!....ALL OF IT!

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 2,743 • Replies: 35
No top replies

 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 08:04 am
Laughing
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 08:05 am
brings tears to your eyes . . .
0 Replies
 
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 08:07 am
Laughing Shocked Laughing

Sounds like something I would do.....
0 Replies
 
Heeven
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 08:08 am
Oh we all have those stories ... and worse!
0 Replies
 
Lady J
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 09:15 am
Oh, BBB! Oh sweetie! I really do empathize, but all I could do when reading, was literally laugh out loud! I'm sorry! Laughing
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 09:29 am
oh......my.......god Shocked





PLEASE check with us before buying the hair color......


i'm an expert at that.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 11:44 am
Ladies and gentleman....

<drumroll>

.... presenting.....

<drumroll>

....the NEW Erma Bombeck!
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 11:58 am
bbb - have you ever considered a career in cosmotology?



actually, I bet there's people out there who would pay good money to have their butts and or vaginas sealed with wax.

kinky.
0 Replies
 
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 12:04 pm
Chai Tea
Chai Tea wrote:
bbb - have you ever considered a career in cosmotology?

actually, I bet there's people out there who would pay good money to have their butts and or vaginas sealed with wax.

kinky.


No, I specialize in torturing. Especially femaales who go to extraordinary lengths to improve their appearance.

However, I am working to develop special tortures for vain males.

As to sealing the bottom plumbing, I think some people are already doing that based on the sh*t that comes out of their mouths.

BBB
0 Replies
 
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 12:32 pm
BBB
I've tried to find the author of the piece without success.

BBB
0 Replies
 
Aldistar
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 07:32 pm
I was laughing so hard I cried! It took me forever to get through the whole thing due to the tears rolling down my cheeks!
0 Replies
 
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 07:45 pm
Aldistar
Aldistar wrote:
I was laughing so hard I cried! It took me forever to get through the whole thing due to the tears rolling down my cheeks!


Get hold of your emotions. It's only a woman making the supreme sacrifice to look beautiful, fer gawd sake!

BBB :wink:
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 08:13 pm
I can say most sincerely that I am glad I am not a woman this night.
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 08:21 pm
ok, from here on out , think PUBIC DREDS. very big in Jamaican beach circles.
0 Replies
 
littlek
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2005 09:29 pm
hehehehe
0 Replies
 
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Aug, 2005 09:42 am
Farmerman
farmerman wrote:
ok, from here on out , think PUBIC DREDS. very big in Jamaican beach circles.


To understand men's fascination with "female shaving", consider this: What makes exotic dancers physically different from the pretty girl sitting next to you at work? The simple fact that she is an exotic dancer might give her extra sex appeal and magnetism, but the major difference is her clean-shaven genital area. This je-ne-sais-quoi effect of clean-shaven genitalia makes men everywhere go into fantasy mode. This is not an article on exotic dancers though -- refer to Why Do Men Love Gentleman's Clubs? -- but on the appearance of women's private parts.

Why is it, then, that most women still let their pubic hair grow longer than Lenny Kravitz's dreadlocks? It is probably a question of taboo, because most people would relate shaven genitalia to a naughty, over-sexed woman. Many reasons could be analyzed, but the main one is how to get your partner to shave herself, or better yet, how you can have the pleasure of shaving your partner's privates.

And another thing...Isn't it funny how men with facial hair get so offended when their women plead for them to shave it off?

I don't know, but it may be a double standard.

BBB
0 Replies
 
Heeven
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Aug, 2005 12:08 pm
Re: Farmerman
BumbleBeeBoogie wrote:
Why is it, then, that most women still let their pubic hair grow longer than Lenny Kravitz's dreadlocks? It is probably a question of taboo, because most people would relate shaven genitalia to a naughty, over-sexed woman. BBB


I think these days that most women (of a certain age) do shave, trim, wax their genitals. If you were to line up any twenty women between the ages of 17 and 35 in any town in the U.S. and strip them I think you would find they all groom that area in some way.

I don't think it's about taboo. I think it's about vanity, appearance, style, trends. It has become so popular that it's like sex before marriage (everybody is doing it). It's definitely not the exclusive tool of exotic dancers that it might have been 10 years ago.

I say if we women have to shave it all off then the guys better do some shaving too! Underarm hair that is so long I could braid it and use it for curtain drapes is so gross on a guy. If they won't shave under their arms, at least trim the suckers! Plus men should at the very least be trimming their genital areas too. Especially if they want us to find the goodies.
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Aug, 2005 12:32 pm
i keep my crotch-tal region neat and trimmed.
it just feels better.
but yeah heeven, i think you are right. It is a 'trend' quite popular I think that most people would find it strange to see a person who didnt?
Then again.. maybe not.
0 Replies
 
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Aug, 2005 12:33 pm
Heeven
Heeven, what about men's chest and back hair? And their hairy legs.

BBB
0 Replies
 
 

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