An old best friend

Relationships with other people don't come with a behavioral guide.

My very best friend lives thousands of miles away from me, across an ocean. We never write, we never talk on the phone, we rarely email, our lives are not at all similar, but when I go home to visit (once a year or so), we pick right back up where we left off. Neither one of us has had the need for the conventional you-called-me-last-my-turn-to-call-you scenario. That's just not us. It doesn't make me feel slighted that she does not call me regularly. We are satisfied with a very occasional but loving relationship.

I have another friend, in this country, who does believe I should call her weekly, respond to her emails within an allotted time (or she is insulted), and see her very regularly or she wonders what is wrong. I have explained that I am not that type of person. I love to call her when I think of her, not when I feel I have to. I went through a tough period a while back and told her I needed some space to be alone for a bit because I didn't want to cause her extra stress while she was going through a pregnancy with triplets (she had enough on her plate). She was furious. I quite understand that we are different people and don't even mind that she got upset with me, but she cut me off completely and now will not respond to my calls. I would say that I find her extremely high maintenance since I am extremely low (perhaps too low) so maybe our levels of friendship are so different that we really cannot be comfortable as friends together. I could analyze it until I do my head in but whatever the case I do like her and will continue to think of her as my friend even if we never speak again.

hi smoothboop.

well,I have a best friend who I hadn't seen in many years either. It was because of me: I suppose you could say the situation is like yours except I am in your friends shoes.
She contacted me when she was getting married. I just went to the wedding this last weekend. I hadn't seen her in ages, and I was actually very nervous about seeing her.
It is true there is no handbook for friends. Heeven had some good points about differences in people's way with friends.
I stopped contact with her bc she liked to see me so often: and I was going through my own **** I didn't want her around for it. I couldn't have her around: I never would have figured those things out if I didn't do it alone.
I was going in a different direction than her. She took the old 'get a regular job, get a good guy, have a kid' route; I took the 'travel and date a bunch of guys, move and shake it" route. Our lives just diverged.
When I saw her, I realized I still think of her as a great friend. She always has been, and that will never change. We had a great time, I love seeing her, but I will never be there the way she thinks I should be. I simply am not the same kind of person as she is.
The point of all this is: invite your friend to your wedding (I bet she will show) and know that her being out of contact with you doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. Good friends care about each other, and that's what matters.

TO FLUSHD:
hey flushd how are you? thanks for your input but i totally agree with you; when we were good friends we always told each other we could just get back in touch and continue our conversation like it was no big deal, but i think the last conversation we had, i kinda got pissed at her and maybe she realized it at that time; that was about 6 or 7 months ago. Of course i would invite her to my wedding, thats actually why i wanted to get in touch with her, for her phone number that i dont have anymore; incase she didnt RSVP, i would have a way to contact her to make sure since my dad is paying for the wedding. My mom is worried no one from my fiancee's side will RSVP, they're different. ne ways i want her to come and im sure it would be weird, but if she invited me to her wedding i know i would come. i feel like even though we lost touched no matter whose fault it was, i feel like we had a history; we did everything together. most people aren't as forgiving but i am. last year when she had her little boy she invited me to her baby shower, but we got into some kind of argument, i dont really remember, but she uninvited me which is honestly kinda of funny; kinda mean but funny. i didnt hold that against her at all. i hope she doesnt think im inviting her for $ or gifts cause that is totally not me. it would mean alot if she came. but im not sure if she would. its in one year so i do have time. even though were far apart she will always be my best friend; she was there for me and i was there for her; miles don't matter.

TO HEEVEN:
hi heeven how are you ? i totally agree with what you just wrote. im not a needy friend at all, i was just telling the story the best i could. she will always be my best friend no matter how far we are or what happened. i dont blame her totally, i really dont know how it came to that but ....we both have tried to continue and it just doesnt work out. i just dont have her telephone number and im getting married next year and i just wanted to say hi; but she ignores me online. i just remembered her AOL im screename and told her i wanted to ask her a question and then left her a message and she just ignores me. It isnt hte first time, im not mad its just it would mean alot if she came even if she thinks less of me in some way. we used to tell eachother even if we arent always friends we would always be able to continue our conversation where we left off, but it doesnt seem to be happening that way; how can i tell her what i want if she is ignoring me? i guess i cant. i dont want to bug her so i have to wait for my wedding - hopefully she will come! she will always be a friend in my heart