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Should my gf judge me based on these books I own?

 
 
Reply Thu 23 Jun, 2022 11:37 pm
My gf was looking through my book collection I own some books that tell guys how to improve their dating game, such as The Rational Male books, or The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women into Bed, etc.

And she got really upset at me reading these books, and supporting the writers by having purchased them. She asked what my reasons for for reading the books and I told her that in my younger, I struggled a lot with dating, even more so because of autism, and the books helped me. She said she pointed out how now she sees that certain things I said and acted towards her, may have been influenced by the books as well.

But my response is so what, we all need a little help and assistance in the dating game, and if you needed help and utilized it that I wouldn't hold it against you, I said to her. But she also said that it's because of books like this, as to why we have things like violent incels in the world, and if I purchase the books, than I support the movement, even if I do not intend to. But that was not my intention at all, and I just wanted some good healthy dating advice!

But now she feels that she cannot trust me she says and is having doubts now. How should I handle this do you think, as I do not want this to bring the relationship down or ruin it? And of course I want her to be able to trust me. I haven't done anything dishonest to her I don't think. But I also tried to ease the situation by politely pointing out that I have no problem with the things she does to attract dates, or seduce which she would have also learned from the media to a degree, and I don't have a problem with her for doing that in comparison.

I even told her about the books I owned really early on, but I guess she never gave it much though until she actually looked at my book collection more so. What do you think?

Thank you for any advice on this! I really appreciate it!
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Type: Discussion • Score: 9 • Views: 499 • Replies: 16
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PoliteMight
 
  -3  
Reply Fri 24 Jun, 2022 04:45 am
@harmonica,
You did what you had to do to better yourself. Who cares, what she thinks, you made a choice.

In the end it is about each others smells, and how much of the $#@$#@ she will put up with.
harmonica
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Jun, 2022 05:43 am
@PoliteMight,
Oh okay thanks.

Well the thing is, she keeps throwing it in my face that I cannot see her point of view because I am 'a white male', as she often puts it but I keep feeling like she has resentments towards me because of my race and gender.

She gets upset with me a lot because I am a 'privileged white male', and that's how she views some of my opinions on things, but I feel like I am being called out and resented on my race and gender, here and there by her, and after it not happening for a while, it happened again, which has caused me to question the relationship now.

I am in love with her and think she has great character, but at the same time, I feel she has resentment issues towards me, even though she says she does not.  I am considering ending the relationship, especially if it happens again, but how do I know what to do?  Just wait to see if it will happen again and cross that bridge when I come to it?  She also doesn't like how I have different opinions on certain things than she does, and she says it's because

I am white and male, but I feel like telling her that not everyone in the world is going to agree with you on everything and that's life.

But at the same time, I do love her, and think she is great otherwise, just really hate how she has called me out on this from time to time. Maybe I am seeing the glass as a little too empty, compared to how full it is though?
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Jun, 2022 06:34 am
@harmonica,
We judge each other all the time. This might be a deal breaker for her and at least she's being honest with you. I think your honesty with her is to your benefit as well. Some of the things in those books are likely very misogynistic, treating women like meat, stereotyping them, etc. so I can see where her concerns are, but you should try to talk them out. (I haven't read them, but I can imagine.) The reality is it can be tough for a guy who isn't an extroverted, people person to dive into the dating game and there are very few self-help books out there to help. If this was all you could find, you can hardly be blamed for getting help where you could. I think you should say something along the line of:

"You know it's tough being an introverted guy. Society expects us to make all the first moves, but no one teaches us how to do it or handle the inevitable rejection. I was looking for advice and I found some in those books. I also found some things I didn't agree with. I ask you to judge me by the person you see in front of you, not some book you haven't read on my bookcase."

Also let her read the book if she wants as I doubt she has.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Jun, 2022 08:28 am
What engineer said. I have a problem with her assumptions on what the books contain (calling them mysogynist) without evidence (not having read them) and therefore also with you, calling you a 'privileged white male'. Does she even know you? Those are negative assumptions and judgements she's making, and it doesn't sound as if she wants a discussion about all this as she appears to have already made up her mind. That's pretty narrow-minded, IMO. What else will she go off on down the road?
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Jun, 2022 10:28 am
@harmonica,
You always have gigantic problems with women. Are you no longer dating the much older woman? How about the woman with the fetish you don't enjoy, or the really attractive woman who doesn't turn you on. I find your dating habits confusing.
0 Replies
 
PoliteMight
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 25 Jun, 2022 10:41 pm
@harmonica,
I don't know her angle. Is she a race/culture/religion that is not European/White related? Is she some kind of "White girl" who also have this privilege but somehow whines about it???

I really do not get that at all. How do you live??? how does she live??? etc. Because that sounds like a broad answer.
mark noble
 
  0  
Reply Tue 28 Jun, 2022 10:34 am
@harmonica,
Imagine going home with a girl/boy, whatever... And while they 'smarten-up' - You view their book collection - 'How to lure men into your home, to carve them up with a fishknife' And 'The Delights of feasting on internal organs' And 'Human kidney extraction Vol 7' And 'Vampires Are The Best'

Would you be judgemental?

Have a Lovely Day
mark noble
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 28 Jun, 2022 10:40 am
@Mame,
Define 'mysogonist' please?
Thanks.
0 Replies
 
PoliteMight
 
  -2  
Reply Tue 28 Jun, 2022 10:58 am
@mark noble,
Well no, as a dude all would be thinking about her....

Reality he is making this broad now with what he wrote. I mean seriously I need to know about both of them, because it makes no sense.
mark noble
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 28 Jun, 2022 11:02 am
@PoliteMight,
Perhaps, you misunderstand my premise?
Perhaps I, yours?

Have a Lovely Day
0 Replies
 
harmonica
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Jun, 2022 05:58 pm
@PoliteMight,
Oh well the relationship is going pretty good, other than I feel like she always has problems with me when it comes to I guess you could say, gender-political issues, even if it's a book about how to attract the opposite gender, etc.

So I feel I need to tell her, that I really do not want to talk about any gender-political issues in this relationship because it keeps getting out of hand.

Would this be unfair of a boundary to set up with her?
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Jun, 2022 06:25 am
@harmonica,
Yes, probably that is an unfair boundary for someone you are in a relationship with. For a friend or coworker, that would be fine, but significant "gender-political" differences could be deal breakers in a relationship and you either need to work through them or understand them and agree to disagree, but you can't ignore them.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Jun, 2022 07:04 am
@harmonica,
Yes, I can certainly understand why a potential life partner could be upset by some of the titles in your library.

You say "The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women into Bed" was purchased to receive "good healthy dating advice." I have to wonder how healthy it is to use tricks and manipulations to obtain sex. Sure, it works in the short term but long term, it doesn't give you the understanding nor tools it takes for a healthy relationship.

You've mentioned autism as a barrier to dating but these titles don't care about dating, they care about only one goal - to manipulate someone into having sex with you. Instead of learning how to engage in a meaningful way with people, you've been shown how trigger words and phrases work and to use them to your advantage. Although specifically, there's nothing wrong with that, it certainly isn't an effective way to have a lasting relationship.

In other words, you've been acting a part. You've shown her a facade, a shell of who you really are. It wasn't until she saw your book collection did she realize she was tricked into believing you were someone you are not.

Now that you know how she feels about some of these titles, are you planning on replacing these titles with books that are more geared to acknowledging a more healthy relationship dynamic?

0 Replies
 
coluber2001
 
  2  
Reply Thu 30 Jun, 2022 12:12 pm
How about throwing out the goddamn books and telling her that that part of your life is over, that you've grown up and found your love. Or continue arguing and destroy your relationship to prove you're right. Which is more important to you?
Real Music
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Jun, 2022 08:38 pm
@harmonica,
1. Have you ever seen the romantic comedy movie (Think Like a Man)?

2. The movie was released in 2012.
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Jun, 2022 09:23 pm
@coluber2001,
This:
coluber2001 wrote:

How about throwing out the goddamn books and telling her that that part of your life is over, that you've grown up and found your love. Or continue arguing and destroy your relationship to prove you're right. Which is more important to you?
0 Replies
 
 

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