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Am I Wrong For Not Telling My Father and His Girlfriend If I Want The Child They’re Going To Have?

 
 
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 03:10 am
Let’s get one thing out here; I have only seen my father and his partner once, for a week visit in eight years. He and his girlfriend have never visited me despite me travelling across the country and my father abandoned me and my mother at birth.
I don’t have a close relationship with him and don’t consider him my father and I don’t consider his girlfriend a step mother, especially because he left and didn’t raise me alongside my mother.
I also haven’t really gotten to know his girlfriend since we live in different cities.

But he defiantly sees me as his daughter, I don’t have an issue with this but today he texted me that his girlfriend is seven weeks pregnant and asked me if they should keep it. He told me that because of their age (both 50+) he wasn’t sure and wanted my opinion on if I wanted a brother/sister.

Honestly, I don’t think I could see their child as a sibling simply because;
1. We live in different cities, I wouldn’t be there to see this child grow or bond with them as I’m eighteen and already deep in University and trying to find stable work.
2. I don’t see this man as my father or this women as my step mother.

I felt like telling him “yes have this child!” Would be promising that I would be around to play the role of an older sibling when really we’ll probably be more like cousins.

But I also didn’t want to say that and hurt his feelings and be the reason why they didn’t have a child they wanted together. On the other hand, I also don’t know anything about their relationship stability or their financial situation other than that my father has impaired memory and has to live on disability because of it.
I didn’t want to be the reason they did or didn’t have a child, and I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I’d give up my life and move to live with them to help raise this child.

So I told him, “I’m not involved in your relationship, I’m an bystander and I couldn’t possibly make a call like that without knowing and understanding all the factors that go into raising a child with a specific person. I can’t say I feel comfortable saying “yes you should” or “no you shouldn’t” because it’s not my choice.” Then I told him, “I will support you both in either choice you make.”

He kept insisting and I gently told him I couldn’t in a passive manner and he eventually got mad and called me, yelling angrily, “Just tell me, this decision should involve you and since you will be apart of the family you have a responsibly to be part of the decision.”

I hadn’t been apart of this “family” since he left. I’d only recently started making an effort to mend the bonds broken and I’m still not completely comfortable with him nor do I feel comfortable being accountable for this kind of choice.

So I told him, “It’s not my choice and I don’t really feel comfortable making it my choice.” And hung up.

I got a lot of angry texts from my father and a passive aggressive one from his girlfriend.

Did i make the right choice? Should I have just told him that I don’t know/don’t think i’ll be able to uproot my life for this kid more than holiday visits? Should I have just said, i don’t think this child is a good idea or blindly agreed and said yes?
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 480 • Replies: 9
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Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 03:43 am
@Chance Departure,
Seems to me that you have had your say. Just leave it at that. Refuse to discuss it further.

For the record, I think your response to him was the correct one.
0 Replies
 
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 07:18 am
@Chance Departure,
Ditto What Frank said.
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Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 07:23 am
@Chance Departure,
You are correct - bottom line. And funny when I read the very beginning of this - this was going to be my response (as reading the question I thought you were going to ask how should I answer) -

Quote:
So I told him, “I’m not involved in your relationship, I’m an bystander and I couldn’t possibly make a call like that without knowing and understanding all the factors that go into raising a child with a specific person. I can’t say I feel comfortable saying “yes you should” or “no you shouldn’t” because it’s not my choice.” Then I told him, “I will support you both in either choice you make.”


Maybe not my exact words but my same exact thoughts. Your father is being a dink. He is 50+ and acting this way? All I can suggest is for you to continue being honest and kind as you have - however, you might have to be more direct and maybe not so kind and tell him exactly how feel -

Quote:
1. We live in different cities, I wouldn’t be there to see this child grow or bond with them as I’m eighteen and already deep in University and trying to find stable work.
2. I don’t see this man as my father or this women as my step mother.


Either that or ignore his texts and simply avoid him.
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engineer
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 07:37 am
I think you handled it very maturely. I really don't understand your father's obsession with forcing you into a position and I really don't understand his wife. I can't see anyone allowing a person she barely knows to make a call about whether or not she should have a child.
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bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 08:52 am
@Chance Departure,
Dear Father, let any mistakes made fall in favor for that poor child who will truly need friends and protectors in their life, Amen.
0 Replies
 
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 10:11 am
@Chance Departure,
I had the impression that you thought 'they' were hinting that you should take the child to raise yourself, rather than just 'be involved' .

That too would be monstrous.
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neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 10:45 am
@Chance Departure,
I think he's well aware of the mistakes he's made with you. Basically he's asking for some forgiveness now that he has a 2nd chance at parenting. Not that in any way falls on your shoulder, but it could be a stepping stone to a renewed relationship with him and a start of a lifetime relationship with a sibling. Yes, a big age difference now seems daunting but the child does grow up and when you're 40 and that child is your age now, well, that could be kinda great.


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glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 10:51 am
My head is still trying to understand how a 50+ age woman is 7 weeks pregnant. I know it's possible, but now two 50+ people are reaching out to an ignored child (18 years old) and telling her 'she's' family and has to weigh in?????? How outrageous...........but then again, why not, Daddy Megabucks hasn't taken responsibility for ANYTHING ever. Of course he thinks his ignored daughter should step up and help out poor daddy and girlfriend...........

My inner voice keeps telling me "Daddy is a massive useless putz", but then again, he's only in his 50+....he might have additional 'issues' his ignored 18 year old will be expected to sort out for him the next 20 or 30 years. I'm glad she's strong now.....she will need to perfect that in the coming years to avoid becoming absent daddy's mother.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2022 05:12 pm
@Chance Departure,
They might want you to be the guardian of that child and since they're in their 50s, anything can happen. How long have they been together?

Your answer to your father was the right one - it's their decision and not your call. He can be lucky that you want a relationship with him at all since he never cared to get involved with you.

Anyway, you did the right thing, don't let them tell you otherwise!
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