Best way to tell sister that I won’t give her daughter a kidney?

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My niece (my sisters daughter) had kidney issues year ago. Me and most of the rest of the family got tested and I was a match for her and at the time offered her my kidney. Her kidneys ended up being okay so she didn’t need mine. It’s been 6 years since then. Now she needs a kidney again and everyone is just expecting me to giver her one of mine, but I don’t want to give her one anymore.

It just feels different now. I was informed of all the risks and possible complications back then, but if I’m being honest I didn’t take them seriously. I was younger so I felt invincible. Things can happen though. After these past few years I have had friends/family die from small things that shouldn’t have been a big deal until they were. Maybe if I was still single it wouldn’t trouble me as much, but I have a wife now and a daughter of my own. It just doesn’t feel worth the risk anymore.

I thought about lying and saying I have some medical reason I can’t, but after looking up reasons why you can’t donate a kidney I don’t think they would believe. It’s my own fault too because for several years I have been vocal about being health conscious. I’m actually in the best health of my life right now which I know I’ve said before to members of my family. My brother in particular who I’ve been training with. We’re planning on running a marathon. soon which requires a medical certificate and he knows I already got mine.

So how do I tell my sister and the rest of the family in a way that will best keep the peace? I’m sure some people will be upset no matter what I say, but I’d still like to try and word it right. I'm not always the best with words and tend to stumble.

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 2,129 • Replies: 13

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@ssabot,

Maybe write something, that says parts of what you are telling us?

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@ssabot,

Hi - I have a very good friend (someone I am so close - known her since I was a toddler- we even refer ourselves as sisters) who's boys both required kidney transplants - one was given by a family member and one by a friend of the family. Not telling you this to make you feel guilty but just to let you know going through some of this process I understand from a donor/friend/family perspective.

First as you have gone through almost to the end - with medical and others you understand that this is completely volunteer and no one should ever feel obligated to donate - it is so personal and such an individual decision that no one should feel obligated or to feel guilty about their decision. That being said I think you simply say you are so sorry but due to changes in your life you are not in a position to donate. You do not, nor should you, have to give a specific reason - it could be a medical reason or it could be like you said you have others that are dependent on you now to consider.

I would though give this news as soon as possible so they can reach out to get another appropriate donor. My friend for her second son - reached out very broad and got many, many people to go forward willing to donate - so many that I missed the boat and was put on a wait list. There are many generous people that are in a position that the risk to them is worth donating.

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@Linkat,

Just to add - I would keep it short and concise. Also not sure if you are or had worked with someone in the medical field (or how far along you went in the process last time) - I know they meet with you and discuss because they want to make sure you are good physically as well as mentally for this process. If you were or are still in touch with anyone in the team - you could also ask for their input on how to handle.
I also know a young lady (not related to these kidney donations) that donated a kidney - so I know people on all sides of this process.

I do respect your decision as it is not an easy one to make.

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@ssabot,

You don't even have to give a reason, thinking of it. It's your choice.

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@Yalow,

She still has to talk to her sister afterwards.

Her relationship with her sister could be damaged terribly regardless of the rights and wrongs. This has to be handled carefully with tact.

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@izzythepush,

I see... You're right.

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@Yalow,

I really don't know what to say, it is very difficult and I don't want to come out with a load of platitudes.

I hope she finds the right words.

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@ssabot,

If you're a match then isn't your sister, the girl's mother, a match?

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@Miss L Toad,

I'm sure that can't have occurred to them before.

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@Miss L Toad,

Miss L Toad wrote:

If you're a match then isn't your sister, the girl's mother, a match?

She may she may not be a match...also there are many other things that come into play...if the mother has any sort of health issues for example. My friend was unable to for her sons because she was on a certain type of medication..she went off it and they still wouldn't let her donate .... Sometimes it is your age

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@Linkat,

Or where you've traveled. My wife lived in Mauritania and Camaroon from from '78 - '82 and there are still protocols that keep her from donating in some instances.

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Having a kidney yanked is as about as close to being as fraught with repercussion as is having one replaced.

This is major surgery with a significant recuperation. No one is just hopping on the table and hopping back off.

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My son will be needing a kidney soon. His wife offered hers. He refused, stating that he could never forgive himself if something went awry with her procedure.

I respect both their reviews on this!

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Best way to tell sister that I won’t give her daughter a kidney?

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