Family mad that I used all of nieces trust fund

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Around 7 years ago my brother and sister in law passed away. Everyone else in the family had much more going on and we’re in less stable positions so I took them in.

My brother and sister in law had arranged for their savings to be put into a trust for the girls. This trust was accessible by me to pay for the girls expenses. Basically all I had to do was send in documentation/receipts to the lawyer and I would get reimbursed.

I used the money in the trust to reimburse the differences in costs I had since taking girls in. So for example I had reimbursed the difference in renting the one bedroom I previously had and renting a two bedroom instead. Same with the average difference in my grocery, insurance, electric, water, and gas bills since they started living with me. I also used the trust money to pay for the girls clothes, school supplies, medical costs, and activities. The lawyer in charge of it approved of all these things. After the money ran out about two years ago I started paying for the girls expenses out of my own pocket.

Anyway the oldest is now 18 and is going to college next year. I have been helping her look into scholarships and financial aid programs. She later talked about this with my sister and my sister questioned it because thought the trust would cover school. So then my niece questioned me about it and I explained to both of them how the money had already been spent on both the girls expenses.

Well, they and everyone else in the family think the money should have just been saved and only used for college. That I should have paid for them out of my own pocket from the beginning because I took on that responsibility of their expenses when I took them in. They think it was wrong go me to have used any of it at all and that I should personally use my retirement savings or take out a loan to pay for the girls college educations.

It seems a little unfair that I’m being villainized for this when the lawyer specifically said the money could be used for any of the girls expenses and after it ran out I did end up spending a huge amount of my own money on them.

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Type: Question • Score: 14 • Views: 2,615 • Replies: 35

The breach may never heal, but you did everything right.

Where are the brothers and sisters now? Let them raise the college tuition.

1 Reply

@bobsal u1553115,

Right now I'm still the one doing the best. Everyone else still has other issues going on. They had a hard time these past couple years because of covid.

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@8thtennor,

Another thing I forgot to add to the post is that I originally planned on co-signing student loans with them, but now its sort of been implied that she won't bother trying to pay it off after she graduates. So now I'm a little uneasy about co-signing.

1 Reply

@8thtennor,

I'm with bobsal... you did everything right. The parents didn't save or invest enough to cover everything. You raised them on your own while your siblings did nothing. Your nieces had a family place to stay after they lost their parents. I think they're all a little unrealistic about what it costs to raise kids.

I would NOT be co-signing!! They can apply for grants, bursaries, and loans, like everyone else. Linkat here knows quite a bit about those processes.

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@8thtennor,

When parents set up a savings account for their children, it's intended for big ticket items such as a vehicle, college or wedding. You used that money as a personal piggy bank and now it's gone. You didn't put anything away for their future, as most parents or guardians would.

So, yeah, I can see why people are mad about it.

Why will you not help out with the college tuition?

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@neptuneblue,

I was told by the lawyer that it could be used for any of their expenses and the will said the same thing. I had also hoped to retire soon and I won’t be able to afford to if I pay for their tuition.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

Well, that may be what the parents' intentions were, but they also didn't intend to die. That makes the world of difference.

It costs a lot to raise kids, as you know. Why should this one family member shoulder the burden of costs (not to mention change of lifestyle, etc) to raise these children at his cost when there was money set aside? Did any of his family members help out in all that time?

I think you're being unreasonably harsh on this fellow. He took them in, didn't he? He provided for them, didn't he? He cared for them, didn't he? Why should he do that at his expense? Maybe he couldn't afford to do it without the trust.

Bottom line is those children are extremely lucky to have been cared for by a family member after that horrible experience and they should be grateful to him for caring enough to spend the time to do it.

You can get an education various ways and these kids are in the same boat as most. An education is not a given. If they want one, they can work towards it. And if they're talking non-payment of loans, I would not be co-signing. Who says that, anyway? Defaulting on a loan is serious business - just who are these entitled kids, anyway?

3 Replies

@Mame,

Agreed. It was already generous taking in the children, demanding that you pay for everything yourself is unfair. That is why people put aside money and buy life insurance. Your nieces would have had a significantly lower standard of living if you hadn't used that money to supplement what you had. You clearly didn't embezzle anything so I don't think you have a concern there. I do think you need to council your niece on the meaning of taking a loan. I also think there are significant financial grant opportunities available to students with deceased parents.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

I would NOT be co-signing!! They can apply for grants, bursaries, and loans, like everyone else. Linkat here knows quite a bit about those processes.

AGREE!!! Do not co-sign. I have my own daughters going to college. They are my daughters and I did not co-sign. Granted they only took out what the government gave them not any extra loans.

And I would not feel guilty about using the trust money to pay for their expenses that is what it is there for and it quite honestly us none of your siblings business.

For your nieces...if your siblings got in their heads..give these young girls the benefit of the doubt...they ate young so if they are doubting you ...you can have them talk to the attorney that handled the trust just so they understand.

If you all filed the FASFA or whatever it us called...you should get a good idea of what they will get in aid. I would hope they don't take your income into play? Do you know? I know they did for us, but we are their actual parents.

In any case I have found that the schools themselves give the most money in scholarships..most are based on their academics so if they have a B average they would get one level of scholarship, an A even more. Some schools aren't as transparent... It will be based on academics and "talent" meaning maybe if they are involved in a sport or club or leadership or play an instrument. You can get a general idea by looking at a university's website .... Also there are local scholarships... Most high school guidance offices will have a list then the hardest ones to get are the ones you find on search engines but if you have a specific characteristic it can narrow things down...I hate to say it but one for your nieces could be the death of their parents.

That all being said...there are other options to make school less costly...pick a college that has lower gpa averages than your nieces ...they are more likely to get more money from these colleges ...also they could attend a community college for the first two years and then transfer to a 4 year.

Your high school guidance v should be able to help you with any of this.

But do not co-sign.

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@8thtennor,

8thtennor wrote:

I was told by the lawyer that it could be used for any of their expenses and the will said the same thing. I had also hoped to retire soon and I won’t be able to afford to if I pay for their tuition.

And another thing ...you should NOT use your retirement to pay for kids college. Ask any financial planner.

You saved for retirement enjoy it. These kids are just starting out. They have choices on how to make it more affordable. To me the best gift you can give them is direction, help and advice. They will be better served taking some of this financial responsibility on their own.

Yes I have daughters ..who are now young adults ..and we had a 529 plan set up...it wasn't enough to pay for all their college but it has helped. That is what parents do if they are able for bigger expenses... Not a will or trust ...that is to care for their children if they pass away like what happened here. It would be exactly what we would have wanted.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

Well, that may be what the parents' intentions were, but they also didn't intend to die. That makes the world of difference.

It costs a lot to raise kids, as you know. Why should this one family member shoulder the burden of costs (not to mention change of lifestyle, etc) to raise these children at his cost when there was money set aside? Did any of his family members help out in all that time?

I think you're being unreasonably harsh on this fellow. He took them in, didn't he? He provided for them, didn't he? He cared for them, didn't he? Why should he do that at his expense? Maybe he couldn't afford to do it without the trust.

Bottom line is those children are extremely lucky to have been cared for by a family member after that horrible experience and they should be grateful to him for caring enough to spend the time to do it.

You can get an education various ways and these kids are in the same boat as most. An education is not a given. If they want one, they can work towards it. And if they're talking non-payment of loans, I would not be co-signing. Who says that, anyway? Defaulting on a loan is serious business - just who are these entitled kids, anyway?

Absolutely!

I have no idea of what NeptuneBlue was thinking when his/her post was written, but it was off-base.

1 Reply

@Frank Apisa,

I'm think he purposely hosed those kids out of college funds. And it looks like his family and the children agree.

If he didn't think that raising kids would cost money he should have never agreed to take them.

3 Replies

@neptuneblue,

You really think they would have been better off in foster care? I can't see how that would have been a better situation for them. If his family feels so strongly, they can step up now since they certainly did not before.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

I'm think he purposely hosed those kids out of college funds. And it looks like his family and the children agree.

If he didn't think that raising kids would cost money he should have never agreed to take them.

That is a big assumption - the lawyer would not advise this if it were not legal or right. You are assuming he had enough funds to raise two children. As Mame said it is expensive to raise children. Yeah maybe he could have afforded this by eating beans for dinner every night; or maybe clothing the girls from thrift stores.

What would be alternative if he did not have funds to raise them ? Giving them up to the state? That would be what would happen if he had not agreed to raise them. It is more likely that the lawyer when discussing to the family who should take in the kids, said that the trust allows for money to be used for the expenses of the kids.

I actually think it quite generous of him to accept taking in the kids - changing his home size to accommodate them, not to mention changing their entire lifestyle so they care for them - there is significantly much more to raising kids than just the financial side of things.

My husband and I talked about this as well when the kids were younger and our expectations was our insurance money and anything else we had saved we would have expected our family to use for our children as we would not want to put a financial burden on family members taking our children if it ever came to that.

Its not like this guy had a party with the money or traveled or bought a big home - for example he rented a two bedroom vs a one bedroom apartment - doesn't sound like he was living large.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

I'm think he purposely hosed those kids out of college funds. And it looks like his family and the children agree.

If he didn't think that raising kids would cost money he should have never agreed to take them.

I think he knew it would cost money...and he counted on the money in the trust fund to be used to that end.

What makes you think he should have taken the kids and born the costs for them himself?

1 Reply

@Frank Apisa,

Because that's what parents and guardians are supposed to do.

Why would children be expected to pay for years worth of school fees, clothes, electric and gas payments? Are all minors supposed to pay their own way? If that's the case, then we should make 5 yr olds back into the coal mines...

1 Reply

@Mame,

Mame wrote:

I think you're being unreasonably harsh on this fellow. He took them in, didn't he? He provided for them, didn't he? He cared for them, didn't he? Why should he do that at his expense? Maybe he couldn't afford to do it without the trust.

Bottom line is those children are extremely lucky to have been cared for by a family member after that horrible experience and they should be grateful to him for caring enough to spend the time to do it.

...just who are these entitled kids, anyway?

Wow. Just wow.

Entitled?? WTF is that? Lucky?? Yeah, so very lucky. Grateful?? To who??

Their parents DIED and they get shuffled off to an uncle that makes them pay for rent, gas, electric, food, their school supplies, activities and any thing else the Uncle decides he can get a receipt for.

You are one callous person, Mame.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

"Because that's what parents and guardians are supposed to do. " Says who? Is there a law on the books that says that?

What if he HAD no money to pay for all that? We don't know his financial circumstances. He lived in a one bedroom apartment and kindly took them in at a very tragic time of their lives. If the lawyer had any issues with the expenses he submitted, you'd think he would have said so.

What if the children decide not to go to school? All this time raising them, spending his own resources paying for them and they just go and get a job...

And who's to say he was their 'guardian'? Maybe nobody was designated in their will. They're extremely lucky they had him and didn't have to go into foster care where they may have been separated.

The children were not expected to pay for years worth of school fees, etc. There was a trust their parents had set up for this purpose (should they die) to aid in all of that. In Canada, the uncle could have claimed guardianship and received a monthly allotment to contribute to all the above under the Kinsman program. This may have enabled him to keep their trust $ in place. I don't know if that would have been available to this gentleman in his state. Either way, it didn't happen.

You don't even acknowledge, Neptune, what a lovely thing this man has done, keeping his family and his nieces together.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

You are one callous person, Mame.

That made me spit my coffee out! You are hilarious!

0 Replies

Family mad that I used all of nieces trust fund

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