She pushed you to a point of total exasperation.
You made her cry.
Standoff.
Actually, you didn't make her cry. She's starting to realize that her mind is in decay and she doesn't particularly like that view of reality.
You do realize that she's torn between handing over her financial chores and admitting that she can no longer handle her financial chores?
Undoubtedly Mother Teresa would have told you to be more patient with your mother and your mother to be more patient with her daughter--but you knew this.
How good are you at practicing Guile and Devious Reasoning?
Your mother's grasp of domestic finance is fraying. Does she have any areas of competence that are intact? Any stores of wisdom that you can plunder? Cooking? Needlepoint? Memories of WW II? Eccentric family members? Scrabble? Spring bulbs?
How good is she about adoring young Mavis? Or does she want to take over parenting?
Try guiding your conversations to what she still does well. Remember, her insights into the culture of her youth may be flawed, but she has insights there that you don't.
So, you aren't perfect yet? Who said you had to be?
Mr. Noddy has embarked a long-threatened project that may void our contract with the heating oil people. At least he's outside in the fresh air and sunshine.
Hold your dominion.
thanks
Thanks again for helping me to get it into perspective.
I know she is scared, I would be too. And I want to take over because I can do it easily, not because I want to TAKE OVER. But that's a distinction that probably only I can see, from her standpoint she'd be losing more independence.
Coming from my perspective right now, I'd be happy to even move into a home, not to mention have someone else pay all my bills! Cook for me? Clean my room? Free me up for hobbies and church? Bonus. But I'm not 80 years old, and my days are full of too much to do. My guess is that her days are not as full, although they may feel full to her.
I am amazed at your grasp of the situation, and at your ability to see the light, both in the positives and in the hilarious.
Hope you have a back-up source of heat!
Sue
Sue--
Thanks for the kind words.
Your mother is of an age where Going Into A Home is a fate worse than death. Right now, she's not thinking clearly (and she won't snap back to sanity tomorrow, either). Loosing control means loosing herself and she's kicking and screaming (and crying) every step of the way.
You are probably right that her days are rather empty and one reason she spends so much time dithering is that she has no other activities to fill her mind (and no social contacts to reinforce her sense of her own personal importance).
If she lives to be 100 Mavis The Younger will be out of college and the president will send your mother a birthday card.
Mr. Noddy reports that his heating project is going well--but he's not going to tell the oil company what he's doing. Does your mother have fears that "they" are lurking around the corner waiting to be inconvenient? Maddening.
Hang on.
A close friend is helping her mother with similar concerns. Mother moved to a new home last year and it has been a hard transition for her. She knows where everything was in the old house, but can't find anything in the new place. Mother is convinced the neighbors are sneaking into her apartment and taking things. She is also convinced they are watching her constantly and waiting for her to go out so they can ransack her apartment. My friend will go over and find everything that has been deemed stolen and try to put things in places that she thinks Mother will find them, but it isn't working. Mother is still living alone, but it probably won't be possible for much longer.
yup
Noddy,
Mum's version of "they" is that everyone is out to get her because she is female and elderly. The hot water tank installers, the Bell telephone repairman, the fireplace grouter, they all took her for a ride because she's an old lady. Apparently. Telling her that I have to wait all day for the telephone repairman too doesn't change anything. One of the only people she doesn't think is taking advantage of her age/memory problems/senility is an antique dealer who keeps showing up UNINVITED and taking a tour of her house offering to buy various items. Last time she sold him a vase and a clock, who knows whether it was a fair price or no. I would guess no.
How's the heating project? If you live near us (Ottawa, Ontario), you won't need heat much longer, is he also planning an air-conditionning project?
Sue
Cement shoes. That's the ticket.
sue,i have read all five pages and am wishing you best of luck and strong nerves. it's difficult, especially if you have your own issues to sort out. we all want to be the best to our aging parents, after all, who knows how long are they going to last and the guilt would be just insufferable. but it seems that you are dealing heroically, and if you snap every now and then, that is just a brief relapse to humanity. you're more than entitled to it.
Sue--
The heating project seems to have been successful--providing that the oil company will understand that we're not breaking our service contract, but using oil from a reserve tank.
No, we can't tell the oil company about the reserve tank (which they filled, because "they" won't understand.
Current grievance is that because our income is high we are not eligible for heating subsidies or the tax rebate for the elderly. Keep in mind that Mr. N. loves bragging to his cronies about our high level of retirement comfort. Maddening.
Was your mother an only child? I see a lot of Sibling Rivalry bubbling up in Mr. Noddy's pronouncements and attitudes--and all too frequently I'm standing in for his brother in their long-running melodrama.
Have you talked with your mother about getting a professional appraiser to look at her bits and pieces? "They" might have to acknowledge that she is a woman of property and great common sense.
Hold your dominion.
I'm back
Hi
Just a quick update and a thank you for being there for me when things were so confusing and overwhelming.
Mum is moving into a retirement residence with different levels of care on July 16th. The residence is about 10 blocks from my house, close to my son's school and on the way home from my husband's work (he walks). It is a very expensive home, and I'm really pleased that she can afford it since she will be closer and she deserves some luxury in her later years! Lord knows she doesn't have a lot to look forward to right now, and she's acutely aware of it. At least if her surroundings are pleasant that will be something.
Cleaning out the house has been a joke. I have been trying for a year to get her to make decisions about her things, and she is just too tired, too confused, too sad, too angry with the world. My sister is now living with her and not having much more luck. Makes me feel better, I was starting to think I just wasn't doing it right. But no, Mum really is not capable of making these decisions easily. And she won't hand over control, she wants to see every thing that leaves the house. Everything. Every book. Every salad bowl. Every mason jar. Everything. It's not realistic. I am almost to the point where I may have to remind her that she once trusted me enough to make me Power of Attorney, shouldn't she trust me to know what to do with the old costumes and ice skates?
Mavis is now 21 months old, she continues to amaze and challenge me in ways that I don't remember her 5 year old brother doing. She is more independent and feisty. "Willful," say some of my friends.
I no longer suffer from postpartum depression, it took about 18 months to clear. Lots of hard work with my psychiatrist, and I was able to avoid having to go back on medication. Nasty stuff, postpartum depression. Had me thinking I wasn't a safe mother, that I'd harm my kids. I was going through that when I was writing here, but there's no way I'd feel safe sharing it because I was terrified someone would try to take away my kids. I did tell my psychiatrist everything, apparently it's not as uncommon as I had thought. I am months away from these thoughts now, thank you God.
So I just thought I'd give an update. Noddy, I hope you and your husband are doing okay. What's his latest project?
Sue
I don't think I had participated in this thread, but have read along.
Adding support here, Ottowasue.
I don't think I had participated in this thread, but have read along.
Adding support here, Ottowasue.
OttawaSue--
Postpartum Depression is nasty stuff. After all, Motherhood is supposed to be "natural"--and uplifting. I was glad when Brooke Shields came out as a Poster Girl for PPD and even gladder that you're feeling like yourself again.
You have my sympathy for closing a Long Time Residence with Only Dithering Cooperation. Those mason jars and salad bowls are trailing clouds of memories for your mother and she trails ever object and each memory attached to every object.
Remember, clearing out the house is a finite project. There may be several hundred thousand objects to dispose of, one by one, but when you're done, you're done.
You may be slightly bonkers, but you're done.
Mr. Noddy is off to pick up raisin and cinnamon bagels and local strawberries. Before leaving he wanted to be sure that I wanted only six bagels and I wanted the strawberries from the local farm and not from the supermarket. Each gastronomic puzzle was approached three times and he is feeling like a sagicious shopper. I'm feeling just a little manic. After all, while the morning has been accomplished I still have the afternoon and evening to live through.
Hold your dominion.
@ottawasue,
Your story could have been written by me. My mom is 76 and is having the exact same problems. I have spent more time that I'd ever imagined I would listening to her rant about how her phone doesn't work, how hot her apartment is, how she cannot reach my brother, etc. etc., and the fighting--constantly. Telling me or asking me the same thing ten times in one miserable conversation. I feel like I want to check myself in somewhere. I am trying to get my mom to a memory clinic to determine whether she is suffering from alzheimers, etc. At this point, I send you good thoughts, support and sympathy. You are not alone!
Coco
@JPB,
I agree with you Jp!
Actually, no matter how you try to be positive and happy when people 'round keeps everything seems blur, you itself will lose the essence how beautiful the world is.
@CocoD,
Coco,
You should better check her up to memory clinic, alzheimers is tough!
This is really difficult for the people to survive alone after the death of their partner.This is the same happening with your mother.You can make her out from this depression by spending some time with her daily.Move down to her as she will be happy to see you to living with her.This will definitely help her in getting fast recover from her grief of pain and endless suffering.
@samual james,
You might be mistaken, you know.
