my 80 yr old chronically depressed mother off deep end now

update
Hi all,

Well, it seems that I haven't posted for awhile, since I now have a week old little girl and I mentionned that I was 7 months pregnant in my last post!

Mum has started at the psychiatric hospital, she thinks it's a waste of time and has started going back to her holistic quack who now says that most of her problems are because she is "almost a celiac". She called tonight to tell me that, and I was less than supportive. I am ashamed to say that I gave her no support whatsoever. I told her I thought she suffered from Major Depression and had for years and that it had not been properly treated, and that it had nothing to do with what she eats. She said she was going to "go with it" and I said I didn't agree with it, and we agreed to end the telephone call. Of course, now I feel like sh*^ and I can't decide if it's the sleep deprivation from nursing every 3 hours or if I really should be more supportive of her choices of treatment. It's just that she's done the "holistic" route for 35 years with no real advancement, and not one of the quack doctors ever suggested talk therapy or antidepressants.

I'm tired and I believe Mavis the lean-mean-nursing-machine is sleeping, so that's my cue for bed.

I really do appreciate your comments/feedback.

Vonda - my heart is with you - there's no "right" way for you to feel about your husband's illness and dying, allow whatever surfaces to come and you will move through it with grace. Thank you for sharing.

Sue

Thank you Sue for your supportive words. Lots have happened since my last 'entry'. My husband passed away on 16th Sept. He was admitted into a nursing home quite close to where I live, and he didn't survive a full 12 hours. I wish I could find the words to put in here to let you know how much I relate to your mum and her being "almost a celiac". In my husbands last days he refused to eat.He literally starved himself to death. Food upset him so much he could no longer eat because of what the food made him feel like. Food made him very ill. When I suggested to his doctor he might be affected by something like celiac disease, I was told that was not possible. Every conceivable test was done on him, and they all came back clear. Suffice to say, I am moving on, but he is always next to me. He will never leave me. We all do the best we can with what we've got. No one can expect us to do anymore than that. I hope you can find great support from places like this. In my humble opinion TALK THERAPY is the best therapy in the world. Well, almost, paper psychology comes in a close second. We need to TALK, get things off our chest, and not bottle things up. And of course we 'talkers' need listeners.. and listening is a great way to learn and understand what other people are feeling and often suffering, in silence. Wish we could Yahoo. bye now.
Vonda.

Ladies, I'm sorry both of you have had such tough times lately. Was good to hear about little Mavis, the lean mean nursing machine.

Such good things balance out the bad, and tip the scales firmly to the side of good, I think, and hope that's the case for you.

celiac disease does NOT cause depression.
My husband has that.
It simply means your stomach can not properly digest wheat or gluten. I damages the lining of the stomach and makes for severe abdominal pain. In rare cases, it has been deadly.
But no, your mothers situation is NOT caused by celiac.
holy cow.. I cant believe a "" doc"" no matter how quacked would say that to your mom.

Congratulations on the new baby though! :-)

Ottawasue--

Interesting, isn't it, that now that you've joined the Exhausted Nursing Mothers of Newborn Club that your own mother wants to bend your ear about the special diet she needs?

Mothers of mothers are supposed to be grown-up people, not people who yammer at the sleep-deprived for attention about their own problems.

I'm guessing that your mother is happy with Holistic Healing because she really doesn't want to get better. Her ailments, physical and mental, real and imaginary have become part of her being and she's a very possessive woman.

You shouldn't feel guilty for being possessive about your common sense and your lovely daughter and your limited energy and enthusiasm.

Hold your dominion.



Vonda--

Congratulations on beginning the rest of your life. Change is always stressful, but after handling a long, long dying you can handle the stress of new beginnings.

I hope you'll stay with us on A2K.

Hold your dominion.

thank you
Thanks for all your support. No call from Mum today, and I didn't call her. I did, however, meet with my psychiatrist, who agrees that I need to make it clear to Mum that if she gives up on the psychiatrist approach, I don't want to hear her problems. I have done that for too many years, and it's not healthy. She needs to take her problems to a professional, like I do. If she doesn't, I will not be a substitute.

How does one say that gently?

Oh ya, no call from Mum, but my sister called in tears - apparently she has decided she needs to leave her commonlaw relationship but doesn't know how since she can't support herself.

I'm screening calls for the rest of the week.

Thanks be to God that Mavis is a good eater and sleeper and I have a wonderfully supportive husband who's taken over the lion's share of work around here, including most stuff with our three year old.

Ai yi yi sounds like a fun week all around. Your husband sounds great, thank God for him and Mavis and I hope the 3-year-old can do as much good, busy quiet time as possible - blocks? videos? coloring? walks with Daddy? - so that you can rest right now.

screen calls?
Ohh.. f- that. I would un plug it
cancel the number
move out of the country

Im kidding of course.
It is great to hear that you have gotten the ground under you a bit more stable by deciding to turn the cheek on mom's hallucinations and controlling attempts.

how do you say that gently?
Ok- a little honesty here-
Do you really want to be nice?
Now that you are able to look at her with more clarity then before, do you really think that gentle is the way to say anything to her?
You have been gentle all along.. look where you are now.. Having to screen calls
Im not in anyway saying be rude, but if it doesnt come across ' gentle' so be it. Her behavior is anything but gentle, the reprocussions that only YOU have had to shoulder are anything but gentle, having to screen the calls that come in YOUR home, is anything but gentle.
Be polite , but dont worry if it isnt gentle. She needs to hear it and above all else, you need the freedom to say it .

Big hug to you!

baby issues
oh lucky me, baby has thrush and I therefore have burning when nursing. I also have blocked ducts and mastitis. Mavis also is bleeding from her belly button so we need to put alcohol and Polysporin.

It seems that my life has been taken over with multitudes of creams, ointments, and antibiotics, probiotics. I can never seem to remember when I've taken what, between pain medications (I had a c-section and am still recovering), and all the other stuff.

In the middle of all this Mum dropped by to drop off a gift (still in the plastic bag from the store) and to show me the results of her quack test where it says that "relatives should be tested". Honestly. I have NO symptoms.

I do, however, have a little post partum depression going on, I think as a result of all the physical ailments (none of which are serious, but all of which take attention and are painful).

anyone with experience in post partum depression? I know it's not the right forum, but I'm a little scared and you guys have been so great with all the other topics I've presented.

Post partum depression?

Could be.

Talk to your doctor--both the shrink and the ob/gyn. Breast feeding may complicate medications and any kid with thrush needs all those antibiotic goodies in the breast milk.

Can you make enough time for yourself to get 30 minutes of exercise a day? Walking will do. Finding six times a day for 5 minutes of bending and stretching will do.

As for your mother, thank whatever gods may be that she has a new quack diagnosis and a new hobby that need not involve you or Mavis in any way.

Hold your dominion.

well said


Well said. Thanks again for helping to put things into perspective.

I have already talked about how I'm feeling with a public health nurse and my psychiatrist, I'll continue to do so. I have no intention of letting this get away from me, I have been through major depression in the past and DO NOT plan to go there again!

I love the idea of "hold your dominion" - it is an excellent phrase to keep in mind, and I find myself repeating it to others.

Sue

Ottawasue--

Thanks for the kind words. Tell Mavis I'd appreciate a loud and speedy, dry burp at the next feeding.

Keep holding.

new diagnosis
Hey there.

Noddy, Mavis is a consumate burper - dry and wet!

Mum has a new diagnosis, the team at the hospital think she may have bi-polar rather than straight depression. She has started on lithium, anyone with experience with that medication?

I am doing okay, seeing my shrink twice a week to keep me on track, hoping to kick this cold I caught soon.

Sue

Ottawasue--

Good to hear from you.

When her first grandchild was born, 45 years ago, my mother came across an article suggesting that research showed that loud-burping babies were likely to be highly intelligent.

Mr. Noddy has a large and colorful family including several members who are chronically depressed. Medication for depression is evidently very difficult to get right, particularly for patients who are convinced that the Power of Negative Thinking is protecting them in a hostile, unfriendly world.

Evidently your large and colorful family is organizing a truly memorable holiday season. Remember, the Power of the Madonna, to plead the needs of the newborn and sibling over family chaos. Your Magic Words for this Holiday Season:

"No thank you."

Hold your dominion.

aging parent
remember you will get old . have you kids that will look after you or dump
you somewhere.my sister and i looked after our mother for a long time
before she died with cancer and never regretted a moment of it.
it is very hard sometimes, but keep a sense of humour,it helps.

update
Just a quick update.

Mum's responding beautifully to the lithium and has been discharged from the psychiatric outpatient program to be followed by the psychiatrist, who she really likes. She is MUCH less angry, and more focused. She made it through her first Christmas without Dad and has returned to curling. It probably doesn't hurt that she's not supposed to drink alcohol while on the lithium, she was never a very good drunk.

Me, I am definetely suffering from postpartum anxiety and depression, and am not doing as well. At least I don't feel that I have to worry about Mum as much now though.

As well, despite the postpartum issues, I am, I believe, holding my dominion.

thanks again

Sue

Sue--

As the days get longer, you'll life will seem a little easier.

Thanks for the update--now that the holidays are behind you, you'll have more emotional room.

Take care.

Confused mother - when does one start using power of attorne
Hi again,

JUst an update. We found out in January through a ct scan that Mum has had a few strokes. That explains so much. Mum and I think that she may have had another recently, she is just so confused about so much. Taxes, for instance. She keeps saying it's going to be so difficult to do her taxes because she has two bank accounts. I can not get her to understand that the gov doesn't care how she spends her money, just how much she gets in INCOME. She just doesn't get it. And she is a smart woman. Well, used to be. She just can't grasp certain things. I am worried about her finances. She has signed me as power of attorney, but I don't know when I should step in. Do I wait until she asks?

Knowing she has had these strokes has made it much easier to deal with her. Sometimes it's still frustrating though, because she argues with me and I KNOW I"M RIGHT! She makes it seem as I'm a total idiot for not understanding her special situation (like the tax conversation that we have had 10 times now - she thinks I just don't understand how difficult it will be for the accountant to figure out her taxes because she has two bank accounts). It's hard not to get mad back, when she's getting mad at me and saying things in a nasty tone.

By the way, her namesake, Mavis, is now five month's old and SOOOO cute. And it's a good thing because I am still fighting postpartum anxiety and depression. I'm hoping the new meds and spring will help out...

Sue

Ottawasue--

For the last 16 years my husband has been having a series of small strokes. Reading the Best Books lets you know that both memory and judgement are impaired.

Living with a man who has had a series of small strokes lets you know just how frustrating life can be--and while my husband has moments of being Masterful Man, we're not in a parent/child relationship.

Your mother has it in her head that Complicated Taxes are a Status Symbol. Warn her that two bank accounts might have the accountant charging extra--but he's a Good Accountant and he'll be able to cope. Incidently, think about getting your name on both of those accounts.

Let's drink to lithium.

Mavis the younger is probably dividing her time between exploring the universe and practicing charm. Mothers are supposed to be perpetually delighted--but even the Best of Mothers need recovery time.

Hold your dominion.

getting worse quickly
Help Noddy!

Mum is really going downhill quickly. She complains regularly about all the bills that she has to pay, the cheques she has to write, how she dreads the postman. When I offered to take over her bill payments, we would just do them for her and give her a bill at the end of the month. She thought that was a great idea. So my husband writes up a form letter we can send to the companies to get the bills sent to us. Today she said she wasn't too sure about it.

Last week we agreed that she only needed one bank account now that Dad is gone, this week she thinks she should keep two accounts because if all her money is in one account a thief could take all of it if they commit fraud. Apparently someone at the bank told her it's not good to have too much money in one account, they said she should use it to make more money - my guess is that they meant investments.

Now that I'm writing this it sounds petty that I am frustrated. I just get frustrated with the constant change of mind, with the decisions being based on irrational information.

So when she changed her mind today about the bills, I got angry. I guess it showed. I said that she had said it was a good idea before, and to let me know when she made up her mind. Bad daughter. She started to cry, saying "I can't remember anything. I wish I had died with your father. I'm losing my mind." Then she left. In tears.

Mea culpa. I am guilty.

I feel like a total sh*t. I made my Mummy cry.

Help?