Fullfilling a Spouses Fantasy

Hey bodemette.

This is just my opinion; take it or leave it.

NO NO NO NO NO! At least, not in your present circumstances.

Throwing a third person into the mix does NOT make a relationship easier, it makes it more complicated. It is quite rare for a committed couple to pull this off without causing problems. Some people would argue that it's impossible-that a committed couple would not engage in a 3-some.

I have been involved in several 3-somes. I've done my share of experimentation. I had rules, and they saved my heart. When I was in a committed relationship, 3-somes were out for me. 3-somes aren't about commitment - they are about sexual play. Please believe me when I say that if you do this, your problems with your bf will just be amplified. You might get really hurt.

You need to redirect the attention to what's going on between the two of you.

A fantasy is one thing. It sounds like he has thought about it a lot, and has 'primed you' into thinking about what it would be like. He's even got you considering doing it.

I know I might come across as a cynic here, but WATCH OUT. Men prepare these situations carefully. They aren't stupid - they know their gfriends are going to resist. My bets are that he has already lined up in his head different women who could take part, different places he could arrange it, and other practical details. He may even have 'primed' potential members for this fantasy.

Scared yet? Watch what you tell him what is ok with you. Be very firm and direct. Do not barter 'oh i'll think about that if you will...whatever'. Do not, do not, do not! You could find yourself in a situation you never wanted to be in, and feel like a bag of crap after for going along with it.

Basically, you gotta figure out what YOU want. You already know inside; and whatever that is it is completely valid.

Take a deep breath. Relax. Consider what you want from the relationship, and act on it.

Best of luck to you. Feel free to ask anything ya like.

Thanks flushd

I really appreciate your opinion. I want to talk to him more about this any suggestions on how to find out what his real intentions are without cutting down his feelings?

I am freaking out just a bit here. In all honestly though we don't have a circle of friends or anything like that - its been just us and we like it that way, so I am not so sure he is eyeing people out for a possible situation.

Ugg freaking men - no pun intended, I just feel like whatever I do will never be enough.

He says he we have the perfect relationship and is happy sexually but is he? I have to wonder why he needs to add to the mix...

Thanks Again

bodemette--



What about your feelings?

Flushd makes a good point about the difference between sex sealing a commitment and sex-as-fun-&-games.

Since the idea makes you uncomfortable, say so. Tell your swain that he's much more swinging and sophisticated than you are--but that you are what you are and threesomes do not appeal.

Don't compromise your sense of self to avoid "cutting down his feelings".

Re: Fullfilling a Spouses Fantasy


Sounds like a classis "keeping up with the Jones's" kind of sexual suggestion.
"You're perfect baby...except if you were bi...but that's up to you. My ex's did it...but it's Ok if you don't."



So, share that feeling with him. Feeling pressured by a partner for anything without discussion is a bad thing.
I have watched enough porn in my life to, well, say that I've watched a lot of porn. It's like football to me. Holds my interest, but doesn't make me want to make my girlfriend run slant patterns on a Saturday afternoon.



There are always opportunities. That's where his money is already in the bank. He would make it happen so long as you agreed.
Trust me. You tell a guy you're game for a threesome and state skepticism about finding an appropriate female to participate, and he'd travel to Nunavut and back to get one for "you",



That sounds like a bad move...but be firm on the "other issues" and make sure it's you that brings up the threesome issue again, not him.
As soon as he brings it up, make sure he's not like, "Ok, that's fixed, how 'bout that threesome".



How long have you been dating? How old are you both?
You know, fantasies are not always meant to be lived...relationships are. If you don't feel 100% confortable, don't compromise anything on your part. Relationships are give and take...make sure you're on both ends of the deal at some point.




Every couple I know who has had a threesome (4 couples) has broken up because of the threesome and the baggage that came with it.
Others (the single ones) generally don't talk to the participants of the threesome much after the incident(s).
There neds to be either a really really strong bond between the 3, or the loosest one you could imagine.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts - I can't tell you how much this forum has helped me - hopefully after I get things in order I will be able to return the favor...

FOLLOW-UP

We talked last night, I told him that I was having anxiety over this and could not get past it in my mind, That I should have really thought more about what his ideas meant before saying I was game and that now after thinking about it more - I just don't think it is for me. I asked him how important this was to him and if he would be satisfied sexually if nothing ever became of his ideas...

He said "Yes" everything is fine. We are a team and that isn't for us. He is closer with me both mentally and physically then he has ever been with anyone else and "we" are more important.

I was glad to hear that but for some reason I cannot let it go. I don't know why. Part of me thinks that these thoughts are childish.. Like these are the kinds of thoughts a younger man would have... (he is 34 and I am 29 - we have been together 4 years) Do you think he will outgrow this mentality? I am not even sure if that's the right word.

I guess I need to just let it go - I talked to him - he said it's not for us and that should be the end of it. But it just bugs me that he see's sex as sexual play as flushd mentioned. Do guys really view sex differently?

I just know that I have to stick to my views and beliefs - in past relationships - it was all about them, anything to please them - I have to GET OUT of that frame of mind.

Things will work out.

Threesomes usually cause jealously and hurt. I wouldn't recommend it. Not many couples are capable of carrying around the baggage that comes with a threesome.

If porn bothers you and porn is just pictures, imagine what it would be like with a real person..

3 somes bring another person into your bedroom/sex life and that is a HUGE intrusion on your personal space.

If all of his EX girlfriends were the ones he had 3somes with... that is probally a BIG reason why they were ex's.
Certain fantasies are most enjoyable when they remain fantasies. When you start having fantasies become real.. what is left ? What is there to keep you excited when you have tried it all? Do you see what I am getting at?
he has tried it once, maybe more. He should be OK with not doing it now.
For you, fullfilling that fantasy for HIM means you are wiling to change who you are to fullfill him and that isnt fair to you. Sharing ideas and fantsies can be a gret sounding board,and a good verbal turn on... it doesnt mean that they have to come true or that it will damage your relationship if the fantasies DONT happen.
Havgin fantasies is healthy, normal, and boosts the sex drive. Living those fantasies all the time can damage the very same thing they help.

It is nice to hear that people are able to talk about things like this with out resentments twords each other! You are lucky to be able to do this. :-)

Good for you, Bode!

And what excellent news! He has told you he is fine with keeping it a fantasy, and that he puts your relationship first. That's a good sign.

You voiced a few worries. That's perfectly normal. He has some experiences in his past that you do not. You might wonder why he chose to have them.
He chose them because that's what he wanted at the time.
Now he's with you: what are his priorities?
Do you feel that he is able to be intimate in all the ways you need?
If he is, I wouldn't worry.

Remember, you can offer him something his exs cannot : a relationship that is just between the two of you. That's a beautiful thing.

I hope everything works out for you

Thanks Everyone!!!