@ElectricMemes,
Set your standards low enough and you will never be disappointed.
A friend of mine told me once he was going to get married so he could get laid every night.
I told him he was in for a big surpise, and that being 'laid' every night was not such hard goal to realize if he set his standards low enough.
It strike me that you may well be tripping yourself up. Though you can claim never having had sex, "sex" seems to be a very large presence in your relationships. Taking the emphasis off sex: treating it like a result instead of the object of of your efforts may well resolve your "issue".
Your issue may well be whats keeping you from your goal.