Am I setting myself up for hurt?

Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2022 08:53 am
While I have dated divorced men in the last several years, I have never had the issues I'm having with my current partner. We've been seeing each other for about 4 months and while he seems very interested in me and makes efforts to see me regularly, I feel like he has one foot in his prior marriage. He has been divorced for 3 years after a 34 year marriage and has told me his ex asked him for the divorce. Here are my observations:

He only refers to his ex by her name (which is not a problem for me but with the other indicators below makes me think he still is "married" to her in his head).

He says things like "[Her name] and me went here or there"...or "we" referring to him and her, not us!

He spent thanksgiving with her and their adult kids to meet the parents of the girlfriend of his son and they took a pic he sent to me - in it he is standing right behind his ex like the other husband and wife.
He told me he told his ex about me but I don't believe he has told his kids even though I've told him I don't like being a secret and want to meet them (he just met my kids).

I met a few of his friends but they are the same friends him and his ex had for over 30 years so the wives seem nice to me but I know what they are thinking. Him and his ex are the only divorced couple in the a large group of friends. HIs ex is still friendly with all of them.

He is invited with his ex and kids to a wedding of one of the friends' son's out of state in March and he is going with all of them and I'm not invited. He says "it would be too weird" but what about him going away with his ex to a wedding....that's weird!

He has a picture of himself, his ex and the kids on Facebook and a few in his apartment. What gives with that? He also has a "married" note on Facebook from 15 years ago - never deleted it.

I don't want to waste time. I'm almost 65 and a widow and want to build a relationship but not with anyone who only has one foot available to give.

He told me he has had one relationship last year that lasted 6 months but they weren't compatible and it wasn't "serious".

Does it sound like he wants his cake and eat it too?
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2022 11:40 am
It sounds like he's handling his divorce better than you are. Were you hoping he's arch-enemies and bitter towards his x? You can learn alot about how he treats her, the kindness and compassion - and hope one day he might shower you with love.

But not if you keep wanting to throw him away just because...he's nice?
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2022 01:48 pm
It sounds to me as if he isn't ready to move on with another serious relationship so, yes, I do think you're 'wasting your time' if you want an immediate commitment. Four months is not a long time to discover if you're compatible. However, if you enjoy his company, why not just enjoy his company?

I think it's perfectly normal and very nice for him to spend time with her and their family. They were married for 34 years but it doesn't mean they can't still be friendly. They shared quite a bit over the years, after all.

If you're wanting a commitment from someone, you may have to find another gentleman.

Personally, I would be happy to enjoy his company and leave it at that. Not all relationships have to end up in marriage. There's a lot to be said for living on one's own and seeing someone from time to time.
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2022 04:05 pm
I am with the others that just because he spends time with his ex doesn't mean he is not committed to you. It sounds like these situations involve their children ...which makes sense that he would want to see his adult children on big occasions.

I can also see your point though that you may want to make sure he is more committed to you rather than a bit more than friends like Mame mentions. There is nothing wrong with having more of a friendship and not a more meaningful long term relationship, but you mention that is not what you want.

My long winded answer is this...if you want a bigger commitment then simply ask him straight out if that is what he wants. You are 65 so wht dance around it. It are adult enough to know what you want so the only way to know is to be upfront. Let him know you care enough about him you want a relationship that will lead to xyz. Is this what you want as well?

You could always remain friends even if he wants nothing more than what you have now, but at least you will know to seek elsewhere.
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Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2022 06:26 pm
I agree with the other posters - That he treats his ex with respect says much about his character in the relationship - and that will carry over into your relationship with him - he will treat you with the same respect. His ex is the mother of his children and was a big part of his life for 43 years. He cannot erase that. He embraces it with dignity and that is the kind of person I would want to be around. Give the relationship time and when he is ready, he will introduce you to his family, and maybe even his ex. There is never a need for animosity in divorces. An amicable divorce works much better for everyone involved.
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