Having affairs. Why?

Michael, it sounds like you've been through more than 10 people should have to endure.

One thing sticks out at me here: did you know before you married her that she had had an affair previously? (Not that this would change the fact that you've been through hell, but I am always interested in the dynamics of people's choices in marriage.) Because you see, it is almost a sure bet that an adulterer will be a repeat offender. Unless whatever flaw caused the first violation has been corrected (which rarely happens), there is no safeguard against the same behavior manifesting again.

And yes, I suspect there is a much wider problem: could it go back to the type of family/childhood she had? In other words, was her mother the same way? Or was your ex sexually abused by a male when she was young? (This sort of experience would not absolve her; only explain something of the etiology of her moral disorder. Character needs proper nourishment if it is not to grow crookedly. Poor role models or molestation are poison for character development.)

Another question: what did you see in her that made you marry her instead of another woman?

Did you not see any warning signals? (In my own dating, I always thoroughly scrutinized the other person; I never let heart or hormone attraction get in the way of objectivity. In all my interactions with them, I was always "scanning" and "geiger-countering" them.) Or was it a case where both of you were very young (that often precludes discernment)?

Hi XPR
Thanks for the reply.
Yes I did know. Yes I was concerned and wanted a prenuptial agreement (she refused). Why did I marry her and not somebody else - at some level the relationship was good - and i thought what happened to her previous husband wouldn't happen to me.

The series of problems she had with her job, I did not know about then; and I did not know that she treated her first husband as piece of SHITE.

My friends now say you knew what she did to her first husband - so now she's done it to you.

Was her home dysfunctional? Yes in so far as her father had two strokes and became wheel chair bound and mentally incapable. She was marginalised as her mother looked after him, she told me.

It is not irrelevant that I too had a head injury in a road accident, which injured me sufficiently to lose my job, and affected things like my memory. It was then that the marriage seemed to go down hill, or she seemed to lose interest. But I had been away for 2 years returning monthly, and I am aware, of course, that I only know about this affair.

Mr. Noddy has a large and colorful family, including a young man who was married thrice and divorced twice before his 30th birthday.

Marriages One and Two failed when wives One and Two discovered the young man in the marital bed with the "best friend" of each.

Some patterns are obvious--others more subtle.