How to spot a cheater?

Yes there is...gut instinct....then you will notice the little things
seem to all of a sudden stand out.

there are little things. unfortunately we usually see them only in retrospect.

I did not word my post correctly. My apologies. I wanted to get people's viewpoint on what starts the entire phenomenon of cheating. How can it be spotted early in the marriage and what can be done as a prevention to cheating?

It is so disheartening to see, so many posts talking about cheating. No one wants to hurt the one they have once been in love with. Then what is it that goes wrong after years of marriage and kids? And when things go wrong is it Ok to find an alternative or is it better to work through it? Is there more to cheating than just a spoiled marriage?

I wanted your comments, viewpoints on this..

I think that there are lots of reasons that might cause a spouse to cheat. I am not talking now about pathological cheaters, who will cheat no matter how wonderful the partner.

Emotional aloofness on the part of the partner is a biggie. If the person is not getting the emotional "stroking" from the spouse, he/she may look for it elsewhere.

Partner having different priorities. In a marriage, a spouse will sense when he/she is not the top priority of the partner. When parents, career, friends etc. become more important than the spouse, there are bound to be problems.

Lack of communication, and a disinclination to listen to the partner. "My wife/husband doesn't understand me" may be an old line, but there is a ring of truth in it.

Lack of appreciation, and a negative attitude of the part of the partner. There is nothing that will drive a person into an affair than the feeling that the person who is supposed to be his best frend, does not appreciate, and is negative and non-supportive of him.

Having an affair does not solve the basic problem of a dysfunctional marriage, but often provides temporary solace to the cheater.
In a very bad marriage, a long term affair can be the relief that actually holds the marriage together.

An idea is some people cheat because they think their spouse is cheating on them (revenge) when indeed their spouse is not...

Also I agree with Phoenix

Some of the responses I agree with. In my situation, my husband left after I became severly sick and disabled with Gran Mal Epilepsy due to a head injury received in a car wreck two weeks before our wedding. He came to the point he could not deal with my sickness and left. I was always good, kind, loving and respectful, always listened and one day he moved out, did not even tell me. I asked him to go with me to get some help, he said he could not deal with having a spouse sice. I did not ask for this in my life. Basically, he went on with his life and became involved with someone and has a child with her, sees his first son (ours) about 8 hours a week. We are still married, not living together. He is just now starting divorce proceedings. As I have looked back over the years I began to see little things that at the time did not make an ounce of sense, but today it does. Sometimes, God lets us see things later on when the picture begins to be put together and the truth is about to come out. They get sloppy, they run late sometimes and call last minute to tell you. They go on trips out of town quite frequently. You find dinner receipts where the spouse has paid for two people and you know you were not there that night. You find a bottle of perfume in his car under the seat when it rolls out. This happened to me and yet he did not know I wear the perfume. I asked him, how did you know that I wear this perfume, he responded I don't but do now. I brushed it off as nothing. It will always be little stuff. He walks out of the room when the cell rings, so you don't know who is calling. Mine did this alot. But I was too blind not too see it. I thought he was living with his Mother and she covered for him. It is sad to say that so many marriages are destroyed today do to the fact that their is something wrong and usually takes 2 to make a marriage work and 2 to break it. This is in most cases. Gut instinct will be the biggest sign, especially if you are the type of person who does not trust easily. If you are in a marriage, get some help, go to counseling, your pastor or church and fight for what you want. I have fought, but he does not want to have a wife with a disease, but he tells me that I am attractive and slim, he just can't deal with my epilepsy. Yet, his girlfriend(or whatever) had gastric bypass surgery, gall bladder surgery and he was there for her every step of the way. He took care of her. I was an inconveince years ago, yet she is not. I personally believe that he is afraid of committment as so many my friends including the pastor who married us, said who would leave when the going gets tough. No matter how much I love this man, this marriage won't be saved. He crossed the line by committing adultry and abandoning his wife and son. I do hope and pray that you will see what you may be up against and that by God's grace will be able to avoid the destruction that occurs in a family, most of all it hurts me, what is worse is seeing my son cry, I ache every time he cries. His dad loves his other son more than he loves our son. Yes life is unfair, but to the children it should not be this way and a marriage should not end like this either. Good luck to all who have thoughts that a partner may be cheating. I feel what you are feeling.

Thanks to all who took time to reply to this thread.

hkgn.. I am so sad to read your story. A good human would never do what your husband did to you. May be you are better off without him than with him. How can you spend your entire life with a person with such less morals.

Phoenix.. you have some great points. Thanks for sharing.

I was also thinking in these lines. Let me know what you all think about this. Once you are married and you know the person well, it kind of gets boring for some people. The thrill of trying to get someone who is still not available is lost. Wife/husband is always there for you, what's the thrill in getting laid then? For someone who does not like monotony in life, cheating is an answer.. probably?

IMO, if a person is bored by day to day living with intimacy with one person, he/she should not get married. The entire point of being married is making a life with one person, including the intimate part of life. That is not for everyone. If so, that person needs to rethink what he/she wants out of life.

The problem is, that some people want it both ways. He/she wants the comfort of a home, a person that he/she can count upon, and the serenity of a life where sameness can often become a value in this turbulent world. In addition, he/she craves variety, when the sameness becomes boring.

Marriage is a "work in progress". and takes a lot of hard work on the part of both the individuals involved. If the marriage hits a snag, it is up to the couple to work things out together, which will make the marriage stronger.

IMO, cheating is usually not a positive answer. I can understand where someone can get caught up in an affair, usually during the earlier years of the marriage, after the "honeymoon" is over. Most people work that through, and then settle down to married life. It is the person with the immature "grass is greener" mentality, who becomes the perennial cheat.

IMO, by doing so, even if the partner is never aware of the cheating, something is lost in the marriage.

well i think that its the lure of the opposist sex. out there is just some one whom just swooms you and in a certain situation it happens before you know it boom your out of your cloths and did the nasty and hate your self for it and wish it had never happen but it did. i've had a lot of affairs with married women and i've been told that they wish they had never done it because they love their husband, i've also been employed as a male stripper in the year of 1984 and many married ladys say the same thing, and some with different problems. any of you ever go to the strip clubs or chip and dales.

I love Chip and Dale.

and i like no undies and a sundress white with cherrys on it.

Be honest
Both entered into the relationship together. So when one decides to step out of it, it is a moral obligation to talk it out with the other half, before he/she does so. Talking does not necessarily mean reconciliation.. it means at least, letting the other person know that he/she doesn't want to be a part of the relationship before deciding to see someone else.

Cheating to get even with your spouse.. IMO.. I rather do something constructive than cheating to get even. If one has cheated.. marriage has gone to an extent where reconciliation is least expected to happen.. then what's the point of getting even? or even if reconciliation is possible, cheating to get even, only brings one down in his/her own eyes.

My friend was been cheated on by her boyfriend. He married someone from his country and did not even bother to talk to her about it. I sometimes wonder what would have initiated the cheating in this case. Why is it so difficult for some people to come out clean. Don't we owe honesty to the person whom we have once been in love with. In fact, we owe honesty to everyone we are related to.. be it the dog, spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend.

Just tell first and then see someone. It will still break the heart but atleast you have been honest.

Seeking out of a difficult marriage is a much easier option. making it work is what takes patience, strength and determination. Well of course if you don't have these qualities.. better be single.