Mon 6 Sep, 2021 11:33 am
This is going to be long, because I am going to be talking about the last year of my life and the profound effect that all of these circumstances have had. I have tried everything including talking with family and friends, going to counseling and joining groups on Facebook. Those things have helped temporarily, but my mind is just really messing with me and I'm unsure what to do.
I am going to include as many details as I can think of, at the risk of looking stupid, just so that the whole story is here and the whole picture is painted. I will also try and include some of the advice and ideas I have already received on this. I appreciate anyone who reads through all of this and responds.
This goes back to June 2020. This girl and I worked together. We had known each other for almost a year at this time, but because of some changes within the company, got put into the same workplace. I thought she was a cool girl, but I never had feelings for her and didn't consider her that way. I also knew that she was in a relationship with the father of her children, who was serving the tail end of a three-year prison sentence.
We began to get closer together at work as we worked together five days a week. Yes, I was her supervisor. I wasn't going to include that, but again, I want to be honest. It's not necessarily something I am proud of, but I also make no apologies because I felt that a potential relationship with this girl was more important than some job.
We flirted at work pretty heavily and I started to develop feelings for her. Because of the way she acted, I felt she had feelings towards me as well. Finally, I decided that I couldn't ignore it anymore and I decided to tell her how I felt. Her immediate reaction was not to say "Oh, I feel the same way too" but more of an "OK, well you know I am in a relationship but we'll see where things could go if that doesn't work out". I said OK and I did feel kind of stupid, but I understood her answer. She asked why I was upset and I told her I'm not, I just felt kind of stupid for telling her how I felt when she didn't feel the same way. She responded with "Who said I don't"?
I was encouraged by that response and almost immediately, we began talking more outside of work. She called me and texted me quite a bit, getting to the point where it was all day long.
I know there were other people in the workplace that knew we had a thing. I brought this to her attention and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal. But as the months went by, the date of December 2020 drew closer. That was when her children's father was set to be out of prison.
We hung out all the time, talked constantly and eventually, our relationship turned physical. In addition, and I know this was one of my biggest mistakes, I began to give her money and when I say give her money, I mean A LOT of money. I was happy to help support her. It felt good to get the things she wanted and needed. I was completely in love.
To tell you a little bit about us, I am a 42-year old white dude and she is a 29-year old hispanic girl. I immediately felt like I might be too old for her, but the father of her children is just one year younger than me. However, some believe that the fact that we come from such different backgrounds is a factor in what has happened. I have never been arrested and she has pretty much only had relationships with the "bad boys". Criminals who have lengthy records, more or less.
Admittedly, I wanted to portray myself as the "better" option in her life and I thought I could "fix" her.
Our relationship started to become a distraction in the workplace. My hope was that she would end her relationship with the man in prison or at the very least tell him she had met someone else. She had stood by the idea that even though what we had was great, she felt she owed it to him to come home and have his family. This was extremely hard for me to accept, but I thought, how can I work with this woman under those circumstances?
So I brought our relationship to the attention of my supervisor. I offered to be transferred to another location but the decision was to move her to another location. My supervisor did not say I said anything, instead "confronting" us together as if she had caught on herself. My girlfriend was extremely upset and immediately got mad at me, saying I should have "been a man" and stood up to my boss by basically lying to her that anything was going on. All I did was tell my boss that yes, I favor her over others. That was all I said. And it was true.
She went to another location and we continued talking and hanging out. I continued giving her money, buying her things and doing whatever I could to show her what she meant to me. But then December came.
She drove down to another state where he was released from and picked him up, bringing him all the way back home. I was devastated, but she said that if it didn't work out, we could resume our relationship. I had to go to bed at night and think about them together, having sex, living their lives. It was awful.
But she still called me pretty much every single day. When she did, she would often complain about his controlling behavior and the way he treated her so poorly. I transitioned into the role of more of a friend and just listened to her. I did not try to influence her to do anything, but I did hate him being around.
Because of the terms of his parole, he had to go back to the state where he was in prison. But they were still "in a relationship" when he left. But here comes the really fun part.
Not even a week after he went back, I noticed she was being different. She didn't call me as much as she used to and after about 5:00 pm, she hardly called me at all. One day, I left work a little early to go hang out with her at her house and her sister was there. She got a phone call and went outside to talk. Her sister and I were talking and her sister said "she's probably talking to that idiot David" (I'll call him "David"). David was a guy I knew because he was in a long-term relationship with her cousin. Though they weren't legally married, they called each other husband and wife. David had literally just been released from prison and his wife, my girlfriend's cousin, was locked up as well. David would call my girlfriend to act as a middle person of sorts to communicate to the cousin. I always knew about this.
But her sister said they had been talking more lately. My antenna was up.
Just days later, she tells me she's going to hang out with "friends" in another city. I knew David lived in this city and I began to wonder, but I still trusted her. However, on Easter Sunday, she called me to tell me she went to hang out with David and the two of them basically had sex. She said she knew she shouldn't be doing this with her cousin's husband but they had such an "amazing" time together.
I was devastated. Absolutely gutted. I let her know that this guy is just coming to her because she's there and she's accessible and her cousin is not. I couldn't believe she could be so reckless.
In the weeks and months that have followed, her and this guy "broke up" after a couple of weeks and she started warming up to me again, getting me to spend more money on her and take care of her needs. She let her kids' father know what was going on and he basically told her what a whore she is and made several physical threats toward her the next time he sees her.
But not long after, her and this guy David started hooking up again and I went back to being the meaningless guy in her life. She tells me stupid stuff like "I don't know why I don't want the same thing that you do, I just don't right now. I wish I could see it with you and I don't understand why I don't".
My thought is, why would you want your cousin's husband over a guy who will do anything for you? It makes no sense to me at all. This guy David also does not want me talking to her at all, although I'm pretty sure she has downplayed or relationship to him.
The kicker is that according to their social media, they are now engaged to each other. That was the final kick to the gut for me.
The cousin, who is married to David, is due to be released in about two weeks. I don't know what that will bring, but I'm sure it won't be pretty. The cousin does know what has been going on behind her back.
Now, one would think this would be more than enough for someone to turn the page and move on, but I don't know why I can't. Because I can't lie, if she would give me the kind of opportunity she has given to these last two guys, I would take it easily. Here's some of the things people have told me:
- She was just using you for what she knew you would give to her.
- She has a type of guy and these guys are it and you just aren't.
- It's nothing wrong with you. It's everything wrong with her.
I gave this woman everything I could. I could not have treated her any better than I did and I had a connection to her that I just can't explain. I have no idea how she could be so heartless and just turn her back on me the way she did.
If I were to list all of the things I bought for her during this time, it would be another post about this long. I gave her EVERYTHING. The amount of money I spent is an amount I don't even want to list, just know that it was a lot. I suppose that was probably my way of trying to manipulate the situation, thinking well if I just do this, she'll have to pick me.
She has told me things like this:
- When I'm ready to settle down, I know it will be with you.
- Just let me get to the point where I want it. I want to be with you because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.
None of it makes sense. I'll gladly take the responsibility for anything I did wrong or could have handled better, but I was SO good to her and I just don't feel I should have been done like this.
I want her back. I want to continue to build on what we were building on.
But if that is not realistic, and I know it probably isn't, what can I do to get past this? Telling me "just move on, she wasn't worth it" will do nothing for me. What should I do with myself to move forward?
Her family loves me and they all wish she would look at me differently and give a relationship with me a chance. That is telling because they have all lived that same hard lifestyle and see the direction she is headed in.
I don't contact her. Anytime we talk it is because she contacts me, which is still like every other day or at least a few times a week. I do still answer because she does still mean so much to me. She knows I love her. She tells me she loves me every time we talk. That stuff just makes it even harder. I just wish she wanted what I wanted and I am crushed that she doesn't.
I am sorry this was so long. But I am open to any suggestions and if anyone knows of someone I could talk to, I am all ears.
It seems like friends have given you the straight goods.
Just to add she does NOT love you. You are what my friends and I would call (when I was much younger) backup. Plain and simple you are the person she uses when the person she really cares about dumps her. Even if these other guys are obvious losers. She uses you when they drop her.
I am not saying this to be mean but if it can wake you up… your friends are right it is completely her.
The things I suggest is to change all your contact information and do not give any of it to her. If she calls or contacts you … don’t answer… delete it … don’t read it. Also even though counseling didn’t work before try again… maybe you didn’t have the right counselor for you… try someone else.
Have you seen that movie, "He Just Isn't That Into You"? That's what this sounds like to me. She likes who she likes. Maybe she used you, maybe you were trying to manipulate things.
Why would you want to be with someone who just isn't that into you? She's into what you can provide, for sure, but she's not really into YOU.
Consider that for a bit.
I'm exhausted just reading all that.
You were in a codependent relationship (IANAD).
She depended on you for money. And you depended on her as a focus for your desire to save someone. And to have sex and anything else you wanted from your connection with someone who you never should have been in this position with.
Good for you for telling your supervisor (and that may very well be the only reason either of you are still employed). And if her current supervisor is male, I will bet dollars to doughnuts that she's trying to pull the same **** with him. Or with the green grocer when she can't pay her bill. Or the guy who reads the gas meter.
You get the idea.
I'm with Linkat and Mame. Go back to counseling. Not all therapists are the same. You just didn't click with whoever you were working with.
* Why you've got a need to save anyone
* Why you're not going out and looking for women who are closer in age to you and not using you as an ATM
* Why your self-esteem is so far into the gutter that you thought any of this was okay
And, where you can go from here.
PS You're 20 years from when you can first really start taking Social Security. If you don't want to be eating cat food during your retirement, or working until you drop, I strongly suggest you run far and fast in the opposite direction if anyone ever asks you for money again.
What have you been doing for the past 20 or so years? Any serious relationships?
This gal seems rough - street smart and a risk taker. She also seems quite seductive and manipulative.
Is this the first “ bad girl” you have had ?
The sh$T is going to hit the fan when two people get out of prison, so I would beware. These people are really very scary.
I was in a long-term relationship and had two kids with her. We got together as teenagers and remained together for a LONG time. I get "attached" quite easily and that has been a lifelong issue. Happened again here.
Yes, this would be the first "bad girl" that I really started to mess with. But I honestly thought she would be willing to give up that kind of lifestyle when something better presented itself. Call me stupid or naive, which I probably was, but I am still genuinely shocked that she would rather have what she is heading toward than what she could have had.
I highly doubt I'll ever completely wrap my head around that.
Her character prevents her from seeing what you think is a better life.
For that reason, you really must get away from her. She’s not the girl for you.
And don’t give her ANY more money.
You have been given some good advice but you need to find the root of the problem, which is You. I know it was for me too in the virtually identical situation.
You have been conditioned by society to know/feel/believe that a mate/family is the most important thing in life. That and hormones causes us to see in every perspective mate the person we want them to be, and I'm not just talking about sex.
Your 'girl' is not an exceptionally bad person, she is just an ordinary woman. See her that way and decide if she is what you want.
When I did that for the first time it changed my life.
"Love"? The Need for reciprocated adoration. "Need", being the primary allurement. Life , in order to survive - "Needs" 4 things - 1. Air, 2. Food, 3. Water, 4. A safe and secure retreat.
"Want/Desire" is a different demon, altogether. "Love" falls into the 'want/Desire' categorie.
Be grateful, that your 'needs' are met - So you have the option to pursue desires.
Personally - I'd feed, water, home and give air to the 'actual Needy' before I gave advice to your 'desires'.
Have a lovely day