My situation

Four years ago I met N. through my younger sister. At first I was abrasive about getting close to any of my sister's friends, but N. came to grow on me over time. At first, it was the unique feature that she had a maturity beyond her years and had a knack for detail like me. I am meticulous about everything, from the way I dress and look to the way my room is arranged etcetera. This small distinction gave her citation that was above and beyond any of my sister's other little friends.

At first, I didn't have any real appeal to N. other than a small friendship. We would talk often online and whenever on the phone when the chance came up. My sister would sometimes be talking to her and my name sometime would be mentioned, which made me curious to find out what all of it was about. My curiosity would later form into a small appeal. Small enough that I was able to discontinue and forget contact with N. for a whole summer as she left to her grandparents to visit.

After this particular summer, I found myself surprised by N. appearance out of no where. I began to talk to her again and our friendship began to blossom once again. This time though it was particularly different since I gave chance to N. to hopefully become more.

N. has always admired me since the first day we met. She admired my mature attitude towards life and the great beauties of life that were also the most simple (the ocean, forest, land, stars, moon, celestial sky etc.). She also admired my idealistic hopes and dreams, since she herself wanted those very things.

So, one particular day I had the awesome notion of telling N. I loved her. It was very hard for me to ever express or even say I loved anybody. But, this occasion I told N. and was she ever surprised. She was so surprised that she jumped out of her seat, ran barefooted to the school field, leaving me and my efforts behind. I was perplexed since I had never expected something this extravagant to happen, but it did and forever will I remember that day. It brings a nostalgic feeling back to me of my previous life and the innocence of it all.

From there, N. and I started our relationship that would last 3 years. There were many wonderful times that existed within those 3 years and there were plenty of not so wonderful times. I look back at those not so wonderful times and I can't put blame on anybody else but myself. I have this way about me that whenever I become stress or overwhelmed with life's activities, I begin to push people away. I would constantly push N. away explaining that she did not know how I felt and no one would, so what purpose was there to be together? I did this plenty of times through the years of which began to increasingly grow more often as the years progressed. I expected much of her and all she ever gave back was her best effort but still it didn't seem enough. I admire her resilience to put up with me, as also in that notion I am a horrible and an abusive person for never being okay with just that. I abused her trust and enduring love as I would always promise I would never leave her during times of great frustration, but never kept true to those words.

I remember times when N. was upon my bed, looking up at me with this endearing look, and explaining how much she worried that one day I would just get up and leave and never come back. In my heart, I knew I could never leave N. and still to this day I cannot leave her, even though she states that she can't see herself being with me again. At the time though I just replied with, 'That's just how I am right?' while she replied with a sigh 'Yeah..' and then smiled brightly up at me saying my name and asking why I was focusing the camera at her. You see it was not how I felt, but I was so caught up with taking pictures of her for our photo album that I replied without thought in that manner. I know in her mind she remembers that moment as I reminded her one time how horrible of a person I am to say something like that. No matter what though, regardless of whether I did the right or wrong thing, N. would always accept it as the right thing.

I look back and all I can come up with is that I didn't tend to her needs. She tended to mine and I tended to mine. Of course though to make up for my lack of not caring (oblivious to my own failures as a human being) I wrote poems, letters and reflections of forever for her. These writings were a true reflection of how I felt of course but never did I exercise my powers to the length that I wrote. The intention was there, I just lacked the realization to make it through.

It just tears my heart apart looking back on the past as I truly realize the monster I was. All she ever wanted was my love and well-being and in return she hoped I would want the same of her. I expected so much more of her as I had high standards. These expectations I know now are foolish and not for a second do I not feel remorse and regret for the things I committed to thinking and doing. You see, in my perspective, I believe there is no wrong way to live life other than if you lived life and you regret how you lived it. I regret and morn painfully with each progressing day, therefore I can say the way I lived was wrong. This state of mind stops me from achieving my happiness. I don't think I deserve happiness though since I committed so many wrong actions. I cannot fathom these circumstances changing tomorrow since I believe in the laws of karma.

Three years go by and then all chaos unravels. I don't know why I acted so surprised when N. started to challenge my way of thinking as she never did before. She never challenged it in an antagonistic way before and started making changes in her speech and decisions in life. See, it is easy to see that all the pressure and stress boiled over and resulted in this climatic state. I don't for a second get angry over that as it was a result of my ignorant being through the years; what comes around goes around.

About 3 weeks ago, N. decided to go out camping with some of her girlfriends, who brought along also some boys. N. usually never participates in these sorts of things as she is really reserved and rather sits home and enjoys a good book or a nice jog by the ocean shore. But, I have to admit a big reason for her choosing to go was because I had tried to end the relationship again the day before and I remember saying many things that I did not mean or intended to. I am not a person who swears or uses any derogatory terms ever, since that is just not part of my vernacular. But, I did say some hurtful things like, "You're a horrible person and I don't see myself being with you..." The reason why I said horrible was because we had not talked in three days prior to that, and I didn't know why as I tried to contact her so many times. So I thought she was just trying to ignore me (but it has never been the case for 3 years, she has always been the one who has tried to make conversation and work things out in the worse of times). Now, I realize that it was because phones and other communication devices were broken.

After N.'s camping trip, she came back and I had not spoken to her for a few days now but I decided to call her to apologize and tell her I realized my faults. Everything from the structure she said things or decisions she told me she was making and thinking was different. I didn't know what it was until it escalated to a point where she started to cry and say she didn't want to tell me but knew she would eventually if she talked to me. She went on to tell me that during the camping trip, she sat alone along the docks before the lake. As she was thinking about me and being responsible as all the others were drinking, she couldn't bare it any longer and went along to drink. She drank until she became intoxicated, thus drunk. N. isn't the type of person who drinks, or enjoys drinking but she thought on this occasion what if she liked it? In the threes years we've been together we've agreed many times that drinking was not our forte. So, after becoming drunk she began to feel sick so she decided to go to her tent and lie down. What happened next changed things forever. Only now do I realize the importance and impact it had on her. As she lied there, this guy came in and started to come on strong to her. She told him no repetitively and he kept on insisting up until the point he had her arms forced down and later went on to rape N. He too was intoxicated. N. remembers being in and out of her, remembering parts while other parts she just blacked out. Speaking of this now gives me heartache and inflicts anger, confusion and frustration.

N. was my first love and I was hers. We experienced all our firsts together, from kissing, holding hands to making love. I must be honest here as I don't believe I'll receive the best advice and perspective on the situation if I don't clarify everything that I am thinking and conflicting over.

After the experience at camp, N. started to further herself away from me. When I tried to hold her hand, she would move away. She managed to give me a hug though, and even a kiss on the cheek when I stood in the rain, tears in my eyes asking what use is any of this anymore (our relationship)? She kissed me on the cheek as a token to finally let go since the reason I was standing out in the rain was because I was trying to leave her house (symbolizing leaving her), and she insisted that I come back and talk. The reason why I insisted upon leaving was because everytime I came close to her, she would move away from me and it just made me feel so depressed and frustrated inside. I look back at this now and I know it was the wrong emotions and reasoning. I should not have been that way, but rather supportive and understanding upon the way she felt.

Whenever I told N. I loved her after this experience, she told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore. She said she didn't know anything anymore. During this time, I kept asking questions that were plaguing my mind but she just didn't have answers to. These questions included our future together, the children we've always talked about having (N. always loved talking about having babies one day, and soon it grew to become a staple for me too), the house we'd buy together, and so much more. Before this, things were definite and she knew what she wanted but no longer was this the case. It just frustrated me so much inside as I didn't know if this was a guise and she truly didn't know or wanted me to have no resolve in this situation. I know now that whenever I demand resolve, nothing comes of anything. Rather than demand, I must have patience in the fact that time will reveal the answers to these questions.

About 7 days ago was our last contact, coming back from a 14 days hiatus from each other. She started to find resolve in her situation and said that she still didn't know if she loved me or not, after I proclaimed my love for her. She stated though that she couldn't see us being together anymore, but would always hold some sort of sacred love for me in the deepest part of her heart whether we were together or not. I accepted it painfully and told her I was tired and needed some sleep. I never found sleep that night, and stayed up all night contemplating thoughts and ideas upon what to do. I became so desperate that I tried to find council in people I never really even trusted before. I regret doing this too as it would lead up to my next action that I truly regret most.

After staying up all night thinking and trying to get advice from this guy I never took seriously before, I decided to just eradicate all feelings and thoughts of N. that existed. I didn't want her to have any thoughts or memories of me either. My radical way of thinking led me to calling her, telling her I had no feelings for her, never did, and everything that existed for her was nothing but a lie. N. began to deny what I was saying and said what we had was real. I told her nothing was real, and my love for her didn't even exist at all. She started to cry and say her love for me did exist then, and was a true occurrence. I told her no because love doesn't exist one second and then the next disappear not knowing anymore. I told her that love existed regardless through all circumstances of time. N. kept crying and insisted that she did love me. I went on to say the opposite, repeating the fact that I never loved her and didn't love her now and what I said yesterday was a joke. This was when she went on to tell me she still loved me, and I became even more radical and said no, she didn't love me now either. I finally concluded the conversation telling her I didn't want to talk to her or have any contact with her any longer; no text messages, no emails, no phone calls, no letters, no nothing. She asked if we could a least keep a friendship and I told her no and telling her goodbye and to say the same to me, leaving her crying in desperate tears. In no circumstance before could we ever leave saying goodbye without saying we loved each other in some way.

N. tried to call me back after and I didn't pick up. She tried to call me later on in the day and I picked up asking her what she wanted and she just didn't say anything. I hung up and told her goodbye again.

I don't feel good doing what I did. I feel disgust with myself and not for a second did I not want to extend my disgust for myself while writing the previous two paragraphs. I am a coward reasons to which I don't want to owe up to the facts that good memories can exist, and the love that existed was true. I ask myself many a times how love could just end like that. Through simple reasoning and logic it is not hard to see that it is directly related to my behavior and attitude towards the situations that resulted in this. I take full blame as it was up to me upon how everything would result in.

Everyday is torment. My heart yearns for her and deep down I feel she feels the same, but is lost and confused to what had happened. N. doesn't live in the best of circumstances. She has two sisters from two different fathers. She has moved 14 times since she was 7. Up to 7 years of age she was raised by her loving grandparents, whom I adore dearly. N. has many friends but I don't believe any of them are true friends. Those girls going on the camping trip with her was suppose to be her true friends, but if it were the case, why did they not care after her? I know my friends would and have during my times of tribulation because I would go on to make careless mistakes here and there that could have ended up really disastrous.

I have lost a lot of weight (I was 150 lbs, now 130 lbs) my mind goes astray to all current events. I have been on anti-depressants for about 2 weeks now and still I feel no effect. I am thinking of therapy and some counseling as that might help. I am just not sure of the correct measures to make this better.

My only resolve is in writing and sympathizing with others situation on this forum. But even with that, it cannot get me through the whole day just fine. I try going outside, exercising and getting my mind off things but never is it the case. I just recently went on a trip for three days to this resort with my friends and still, I couldn't find solace in that situation. My mind and heart was in a different state. There were many people my age and younger whom were attractive and looked like suitable mates for someone like me. I'm not scared to approach anybody since I can be really personal and outgoing when I want to. The only variable that ceases to be removed from my mind and progression towards another person is that they cannot and will not do everything and more what N. did. I even tried getting to know this girl there and as things progressed, I just began to feel distant from her as nothing she said or did remotely made me feel whole. She was fairly attractive too but my mind surpasses that fact as it isn't weighed upon the same level as character is. Even at that though, I constantly compare their beauty to N. and they simply don't compare. There is this certain element of innocence and purity that just doesn't exist in others in which I find in N. and must have to make proper functioning of an intimate relationship. Intimate in that we share the deepest of emotions and thoughts with one another, not in the physical sense. You see, when a person posses that innocence and purity there exists no expectations as everything is new. I feel I need that.

I'm not really sure what the point of all this is, but this is the situation. I just feel I have the deepest of love for N. and I want a friendship to remain in hopes for something more. But, I don't know what to do after everything has been said and done. I don't have a sense of direction any longer as I invested all my hopes and dreams into N. and she did the same with me. I really want to give it a second chance, and I ask God every night if he could allow me this one grace since truly I feel different inside now. I don't feel I will commit to these same things I did in the past, and have better myself in a lot of ways.

Maybe, what I'm really trying to ask is, where do I go from here? So where do I go?

Thanks,
Borealis