Am I asking too much to want to be romanced some?

Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2021 09:07 am
Let me start off by saying this. Yes, we're currently in counseling to work on some issues so before anyone suggests that, we're already doing that.

We're in our early 50s. He's 52 and I'm 50. Been married about 11 years, together a total of about 20 years. My husband has never really big a big romantic guy. He's not big on hand holding, kissing, PDA, or anything like that. I didn't say he's never done it but he's just not big on it. Lately our sex life has gotten very stale and boring. We've probably had sex once this year. Primarily because I had a hysterotomy back in April and I'm just not ready to resume normal activity. He's been patient with that but while in counseling I said that I'd like to be romanced more, made to feel special again like I was the only one who mattered to him. My husband said that with age things slow down. Plus he added that it seems like I'm always battling some health issue. He said that a lot of the times he wants to but every time he gets ready I'll say "this hurts or I have to go to the doctor for that. Or I don't feel well. My back hurts. I have to go to the chiropractor. Etc" He mentioned that I have heating pads in just about every room in the house because of my legs. I keep a heating pad on my legs while I'm working. When we're in the living room watching TV I have one in my chair. I even have one in the bed I lay on before we go to sleep. He says that if I'm always in pain or not feeling well then why try to be romantic when nothing is probably going to happen? Does everything have to lead to sex? Why can't he just be romantic like he use to be?
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Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2021 09:38 am
Maybe you're a turn off. You want him to wash your car, you won't visit his family on Sundays, you think his granddaughter is over too much, you won't take your car on vacation, etc etc etc ... what do you do for him? Why don't you get out there and surprise him and wash both your cars? Why don't you romance yourself? Why not accept who he is, for a change?

My husband doesn't 'romance' me in the traditional sense, either, but then... I'm not the type who wants it. When he invites me to tag along with his buddies or go to a football game or wants to go out for dinner, I think that's romance.

Maybe you could dial your demands down a notch.
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Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2021 09:49 am
So you are saying you want him to be more romantic when it is not his forte - it sounds like he is willing to be more romantic (which is what you would like) so he is willing to bend a bit, but when asked in not so many words - he would like a bit of sex so asking you to bend a bit. Maybe just maybe if you would bend a bit he would as well.

The words you say sounds like you expect him to change but you are unwilling to. It is a two way street - you both need to bend a bit. Don't expect him to give if you are not - it simply is not fair.

You also said he has been patient with you...good I think if you look at that - that is romantic to have a husband that loves you so much he is willing to forgo some sex because he cares about you.

Can you have sex now? You say not everything needs to lead to sex, however, sex is a normal and healthy part of a marriage. I think you need to be bend a little of course as long as you are healthy enough for it.
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2021 10:00 am
I can have sex now but I'm just scared about what may happen. It was a hysterectomy.
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2021 11:34 am
Snowed wrote:

I can have sex now but I'm just scared about what may happen. It was a hysterectomy.

Ok did you tell your husband that?

Did you talk with your doctor about that?

I would imagine that is a common feeling. How about your therapist? Maybe s/he has suggestions how you can get over that.

Oh and I am sorry you are feeling that way - I think I would be scared too.
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Reply Fri 13 Aug, 2021 06:19 am
You have the best of worlds: ovaries intact, no chance of pregnancy and no periods. Hurrah! Freedom!

What do you think will “ happen” if you have intercourse? If you have been cleared by the Dr to resume sexual activity, then this is a psychological issue.

In the meantime, your husband is doing what he needs to for his own good.

He needs to see you as a sexual partner again. That is missing.

I can’t remember: did you state your ages?
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