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What to do when I do not respect or love my father?

 
 
Reply Mon 9 Aug, 2021 12:33 am
My father is a doctor, really well respected in the community and has helped many patients. He’s been an okay parent, distant but has supported us and never mistreated my siblings or mother.

I’ve had a few instances with him growing up where I felt he treated me inappropriately, once touching my breast over my shirt, another peaking in at me in the bathroom. I’m old enough now, that I’m not sure if I recall those instances correctly...maybe I’m imagining them but how/why would I and how come those ‘occurrences’ are just now becoming something I can’t move past.

A part of why I don’t respect or love him is because of the above (although they are very minor relative to what fathers can do to their daughters) plus he is generally not as kind or considerate inside the home as he is outside. I just can’t correlate the kind of man who would perv on his child with the man who is held in such high esteem by others. It’s hypocritical and it annoys/ angers me that I’m supposed to blindly give him respect and love, when I feel very distrustful and at times uncomfortable around him (I avoid wearing clothes that reveal the shape of my body around him).

I’m concerned I’m overreacting, and I am upset that I feel almost indifferent towards him, considering he is my father and I should strive to have a good relationship especially in his old age.

Our relationship is noticeably strained and I’d like some advice on how to get over myself and try to be a better daughter.
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roger
 
  2  
Reply Mon 9 Aug, 2021 01:52 am
@Minnie1234,

Minnie1234 wrote:

Our relationship is noticeably strained and I’d like some advice on how to get over myself and try to be a better daughter.

I have nothing to offer. Actually, I'm surprised you think you have something to get over.
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Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 07:27 am
@Minnie1234,
I think this is above our pay-grade. I think Roger nailed it though - you do not have to get over anything. If you feel you have a reason not to respect or love your father then you do not have to have a relationship with him. If what you are saying you remember is true -- you are not overreacting. Although you do not need to have a relationship with your father if you feel that way - for your own personal reasons and to help resolve it internally for yourself, I think it might be helpful to meet with a counselor or therapist to dive into why you feel this way. It might be what you need so you are not dwelling over something that has happened to you as a child.
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engineer
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 08:45 am
@Minnie1234,
Wow, this is a tough one. When people live in a house together, they will occasionally walk in on one another but I think people have a really good sense when things are unintended and when someone is "perving" so I completely respect your feelings there. It says a lot that you feel a need to cover up around him. Some questions. How old are you? How long ago were these incidents? You say "a few incidences", does a few mean dozens and you are understating it? Do you sense your siblings also have similar problems towards him?
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 09:32 am
@engineer,
Another thought, there is a period of transition when the relationship changes from father-child to father-young woman. It is possible that your father saw you as a child as you were making the transition to a woman and he did not respect new boundaries that have to be established. Do you feel he has transgressed these boundaries once they were firmly established?
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