Girlfriend has trouble with sex and is secretly in touch with ex. How should I react?

Reply Fri 2 Jul, 2021 07:14 pm
Hi all

I (M47) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (F29) for about five months now. We're very much in love (she was the one initiating the relationship btw if that matters) and things are pretty serious between us. However, she sometimes wonders if she enjoyed her 'single' life enough (she's been single for two years since her last serious relationship, but one year feels kind of gone to her due to covid, meaning no festivals, parties, travels etc). I asked her a couple of times if she wouldn't like to be single a bit more and that would be ok, but she insist on having a serious relationship with me.

So things are great, but sexually things started out very slow. The first three months it was a lot of hugging and kissing but she wouldn't respond or initiate anything further. Which is ok, I would never rush anything with anyone. But after four months I asked her if there maybe was a reason for this. I asked if she maybe wasn't that attracted to me physically? No that wasn't it. Maybe she had an unpleasant experience in the past? No, also not. Is there maybe still someone else on your mind? No not at all.

Eventually our sexlife became a bit better, but she would still sometimes be either totally not in the mood, even after a romantic day/evening, or would completely switch "off" during sex. Stating that all of a sudden she wasn't horny anymore. I found this pretty confusing. She gave fear of commitment/abandonment as a reason and that she usually is very slow opening up sexually in a new relation. But she did used to have one-night-stands or bootycalls with guys when she was single, but that was easier because she would then always be under influence of alcohol or drugs. It almost feels like she has a problem having sex 'sober' or to develop a healthy intimate relationship within a relationship.

And although for me physical intimacy is also an important part in a serious relationship, I still try to be patient and understanding. And besides that we're having a great time.

Unfortunately I found out by accident in her phone that she is still regularly in touch with her most recent "flirt". A guy she has been having casual sex with on/off in about a 10 month period, ending two months before we got together. After some investigation I found out they met at least twice, they send each other heart emojis under pictures on social media, and he calls her sweetie in chats. He also sent her a message at 02:00am asking if she's still awake. They talk as if they are sharing a lot about their daily lives, meet for a coffee etc.

When I confronted her she denied at first and then said she didn't say anything because I would only start asking questions and it wasn't nice for me to talk about someone she had been sleeping with. Then came all the cliche's: I don't want anything with him anymore, he's just a friend, that's just how we communicate, he knows I'm with you now etc. I found out she then immediately send a voice-note to him telling that her boyfriend had been super angry that they had met and that I didn't believe it was pure friendly between them. Ending with a sarcastic "yes really nice.. a relationship!". He replied: "Oh I didn't know you were actually in a relationship with him".

This was four months into us being together.

Since our first conversation with all her cliche excuses, I feel I won't get any real answers from her anymore. She gets defensive and turns it around saying that I'm making a too big of a deal out of this. She also denies that our 'strange' sex-life has anything to do with this. (Something that came to mind with me as well of course).

I decided we should take a two week break to think things over.

After two days she sent me a postcard saying that she's incredibly sorry for what happened and that she had no idea that her actions had made me feel so bad. And that she hopes we can work this out because she's very much in love with me and really wants our relationship to continue.

What do I do now!??!?

I have a feeling further discussions about this issue will be pointless and create more stress. I do like her a lot and wish things could return to normal and we live happily ever after.

Or is the combination of her doubt of not having been single long enough (still longs for parties, meeting new people, experimenting etc), our difficult sex-life, and lying about staying close with a recent fuckbuddy enough red flags to just put and end to the relationship?

Is this all becasue of our age difference and being in different life-phases and/or having different values?

I don't know anymore what I should do.

Any advice from an outsider would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance
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Reply Fri 2 Jul, 2021 08:37 pm
My advice would be to keep her at arms length...she sounds indecisive and not really respectful of your time or attention. I'm not saying she is a bad person but she doesn't sound right for you (at least to me). You shouldn't have to constantly guess what 'problem' it is that you have to resolve for her to be happy. She's not a child and she's not helpless. At your age (and I'm much older than you are) you shouldn't have to work so hard...you deserve to be treated much better than this.
Reply Sat 3 Jul, 2021 01:10 pm
She’s got “baggage” and therefore can’t be into you. So decide if you really want to work this hard.

PS Is the ex from her drug using days?
Reply Sat 3 Jul, 2021 01:15 pm
Hi glitterbag thanks for your reply.
Yes I think a lot of all this has to do with her fear/doubt of missing out on experiences she still needs to have in her life. And I agree, only a few months in it shouldn't be all this hard work guessing and analysing. In decisive is the keyword here yes.
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Reply Sat 3 Jul, 2021 01:20 pm
Hi Punky thanks for your reply.

Yes I think I agree with you. She's still too much in the single/party/freedom world to fully commit to something new and exclusive. But in her head she thinks/says she is, or makes herself believe that's what she wants.

About the drugs, yes until we got together and I pointed out that it's not really normal to casually use harddrugs on a monthly average when going out (which she also realised is perhaps not so healthy and then stopped doing that) she found it normal to do some lines when drinking or a pill while at a festival etc. Also with this guy? I don't know, but probably yes since he's very well into the party scene.

Would that change your view on things?

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Reply Sat 3 Jul, 2021 03:51 pm
I don't think any relationship should be this difficult. People need to be on the same page, have some of the same interests, and certainly be honest with one another. She doesn't sound like she's that into you.

If she's avoiding sex, hiding her other relationships from you, sending you confusing signals - get out! It may only get worse.

And, btw, why were you on her phone? That's really intrusive.
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