Thu 24 Jun, 2021 05:01 pm
I'm 28. ive never had sex. Ive only been in one relationship, if you removed 3 or 4 days from my life you would remove all the physical in person interaction Ive had with a women romantically. I can talk to women fine, several friends are women and its good. but I just don't know how romance works.
I'm pretty religious at times. Don't want to talk about that AT ALL. But its relevant for the next part.
I started watching porn when I was younger. about 4 or 5 years ago I started talking to women online, sometimes sexually. I just feel so absurdly lonely that I don't know how to deal with it. I just want to feel a connection with someone.
I got to the point where I felt like I need to talk to someone sometimes. I'm super inexperienced sexually and sometimes I just want to say **** it and fully immerse myself in sexual pleasure, at least as much as i can online. i try to find women who are willing to talk to me and basically just casually talk about sex in voice chat, share porn we like with each other, watch it together while chatting,ect .when seeking stuff out sexually online, people want kinks, or roleplay, or a performance. I just want to have a ******* conversation most of the time. Like I literally just want to talk about it not put on a performance or have one performed for me
That fills me with guilt. But then I have nights like tonight where I just a few days ago said "i'm done" and deleted all my accounts, and have this hole left, where I just want to hear a pretty woman voice tell me im not a horrible disgusting person for engaging in sexual desires. I just want to feel wanted, or at least not repulsive
I don't know wtf to do, i'm tired, and i hate myself.
in a perfect world I'm looking for someone to help me get comfortable with being sexual. Like becoming friends with a woman but the friendship , while being a real friendship, more or less existing due to the sexual component. Someone who will voice chat with me often and talk to me about sexual stuff and who I can casually be sexual "with", what I mean by with is that she could talk, send me porn she likes, i send her porn I like, we talk about fantasies, she would encourage me to masturbate while talking with her, who really wants to help me become more comfortable with mysexuality and can handle the weird bits of guilt and embarrassment I have around it after I get off. She would almost be motherly but of course not in a weird way. I guess she would be emotionally "warm" for lack of a better word. Like she would be EXTREMELY kind and caring towards me without being condescending, but just truely wanting to help me get comfortable with sexuality
I know I'm not going to find that and I have no ******* idea how to even go about it.
Also:
I think one of my biggest frustrations is that, I feel like a creep by seeking out sexual stuff online. Whatever form that may take (interactive or not). I'm not sure how to seek it out without feeling a little slimy, even if I'm not actually doing anything wrong. I'm respectful, upfront, careful to understand and not cross boundaries. but despite all that there is a little bit of a feeling i get on sites like reddit or whatever when I'm seeking out anything, especially if it involves another person. I don't know how to shake that and thats actually what bothers me quite a bit. I know its not wrong to want to interact sexually, I know its normal, and I am very respectful in the way I approach it. But I always feel like I will be judged for it, or that I will be put in a box like "oh he is just another guy who only wants in my pants" even if I also want to know them as a person.
@waka,
I understand where you are coming from... I was brought up in a religion that had strict rules about sex, and then had to figure sex out somewhat later than normal,
Your frustration, feelings of shame, and use of pornography are all understandable, and probably more common than you think.
I guess my advice is that you should have two goals.
1) You need to get rid of the shame.
2) You need to figure out how to have a healthy sexual relationship.
@maxdancona,
This is my take on the guilt part. Just accept who you are and where you are.
Most men use pornography. It is meeting some kind of need that you aren't getting met in another way.
So accept it for now, and stop feeling guitly about it.
You might start to cut back a bit, or change your habits somehow. It might be healthy to decide to talk a walk or read a book sometimes when you might be looking at pornography. Look at it as a positive, as self-improvement
But you shouldn't ever feel guilty when you use porn. Fighting a war with yourself over this doesn't do any good, it just makes you more frustrated which makes it harder for you to find a real relationship.
Be patient with yourself.
You are not a creep. you deserve to be happy.
@waka,
1. The basic pattern for me is that I meet someone. I spend a few dates with them. We end up kissing. I ask to spend the night. We have sex. Some type of relationship ensues (I haven't had any one night stands or any relationship that hasn't lasted a least a few months).
2. My first sexual encounter was with someone I met salsa dancing. Getting out and doing things really helps. I have found a couple partners doing meetup. I have met a few serious relationships with online dating.
3. Most women want men who are confident. I have the best luck when I initiate, I plan the dates. When it is time I will simply ask directly "I woould like to sleep with you tonight?" (after having spent a few good dates together). I have had very good luck with just being direct, serveral times my date said "yes" (and even when I am rejected, no one is hurt).
One other thing....
I found personal therapy to be very helpful. Having a therapist helped me deal with some issues in my past and to get over feelings of guilt. A good therapist will help you identify unproductive ways of thinking.
I will shut up now... hopefully something I wrote is helpful.
@waka,
The first thing you need to do is get rid of shame. Learn to build healthy and right sexual relationships. It only takes practice. Maybe the first time it won't work, but you can't give up. Good luck to you!
@waka,
Thanks everyone for the replies. Honestly its really dificult cause mentally I know there is no reason for the shame, but its not like I can casually talk about sex with someone, so it still FEELS shameful. I want to get comfortable with my body
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