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Wed 20 Jul, 2005 09:55 am
I feel a little nervous because I don't usually post to boards like this... Anyway, I need some advice (sorry this is so long). I met my boyfriend when he rented a room from me in the house I was renting. We basically started dating right away (I know, I know, you should never get involved with a roommate), and everything seemed very right. It was like a fairy tale. After living together for about 4 months and being very much in love (there was talk of marriage which he started), his job transferred him from Connecticut to Rhode Island. I went with him because I figured a change might be good. The first month we were there was awful. I had no friends or family nearby, I couldn't find a job, and he had to work overnights for three weeks. I got very lonely and depressed, and I needed more from him emotionally than he could give. His father had very bad depression when he was growing up, and he has issues with my sadness. He would ignore me when I most needed him to be attentive. This made me even more miserable, and we began to fight all the time. We finally talked and made up (but it still wasn't the same as before), and after another month he proposed to me and I accepted. Then he started to become distant again. He went out all the time and left me alone in the apartment; I hated my job and still had no friends that I could talk to and hang out with. He started to resent me and my "mood swings," and he finally broke the engagement and returned the ring to the store after I caught him in some lies. We have tried to work on the relationship, but he doesn't seem to want to make it work. He says he loves me, but he is hurt and angry, and I don't think he will ever be affectionate with me again. He has also said he is not sexually attracted to me anymore which was perhaps the biggest blow because he always thought I was a goddess. I want to give him space, but the only place I can go is back to Connecticut, and I'm afraid it's just too far, and I will lose what little I have left with him. I know I should just move on, but it's hard. He was (still is when he's caring and affectionate) the love of my life, and I'm not ready to let go. What should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hello, awtroia and welcome to A2K.
Sounds like a horrible situation to be in. I think you know the answer already. In my opinion, it sounds like this relationship is over already. You broke off the engagment, returned the ring, he is even more distant, you are even more needy and he has told you that he isn't attracted to you anymore. Perhaps space is the best thing for both of you.
I would move back to Connecticut. You have nothing in RI except him and it sounds to me like that is over. Perhaps the space will clear things up for both of you.
I know that that's what I should do, but it just doesn't feel right. I've had boyfriends before, and I was even married once, but I've never felt this way about anyone before. I don't want to give up and think about how much I miss him for the rest of my life. Any advice on how to move on?
Set a date. Rent a truck. Be on your way. It's as easy as that.
awtroia--
Welcome to A2K.
I'm with jp. Set a date, rent a truck and start the rest of your life.
This guy may have a mysterious allure for you--even when he's being a surly SOB, but he's not making you happy.
Right since you don't like your job and you don't have any friends, all your happiness depends on him. This is a lot for any human being to carry, particularly a man with "issue with sadness".
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has "issues with sadness"? A man who can't--or won't--console you? A man who won't try to help you when your gloomy?
Set a date, rent a truck and start the rest of your life. Leave this guy a box of dirty Kleenex (and a wastebasket, if you're feeling kind).
Hey there....Im sorry for your situation, I know you love him to bits but I think the more you try and fight this the more he will resist you, then ultimately he will end up resenting you and you will lose him anyway...
the best thing you could do at this moment is to give the guy some space to think....
I know you are panicking that if you do let him out of your sight you may never get him back....but hey it may do the reversal, you dont know.
I know you feel right now its going to be the hardest thing you will ever do, but just put one foot in front of the other and walk away from him...by doing this it will give yourself time to think more clearly as well as him.
Thank you. It kills me that this all came about because of the very change in situations that I was most excited about. Also, I think it's mostly the distance (about 2 or 2-1/2 hours' drive) that will be between us that is hard to get over. We could still easily see each other casually (like a "hey, how ya doing, want to see that new movie?" kind of thing) if we were at least living closer together. And I know once I leave, I won't come back even if he wants me to. I won't put myself on the line like this again.
I know its hard breaking up because you never seem to see the bad things in them...for some reason you only ever see the good things about them flash in your mind.....and you poor thing you must be so brain drained!
It will all make sense in a couple of months, if it works out good on you if it doesnt well it was not supposed to.
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