Am I wrong to feel this way...

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My mother is dating a married man. I understand people make mistakes, but this is one she seems to repeat quite often. I couldn't count how many there have been.

This one is different though. This man just tonight informed his wife that he's leaving her(the wife + 3 kids)...although he gave no reason as to why. They've been married 20+ years from what he says(totally untrustworthy individual), but my mother is buying all of this. She's on cloud nine...after only 3 weeks of knowing this person. She's already planning to leave the great job she has, and has worked so hard for, to be with this man in another state.

Now, don't get me wrong, my mother is a careless individual at times, but somehow seems to keep her own affairs in check. She's a "functioning" alcoholic, manages to be extremely dependable, but makes the most horrific choices with her personal life. But, guess who she calls first when this sh*t falls through...and whines, bitches, and at times contemplates suicide?....ME!

I am tired of this. I feel I've lost the very last bit of respect I had for her. I've never really had much, but her life is out of control. I don't want to listen to her anymore. I don't want to be the crutch she leans on anymore. In truth, I'd love to just slap the piss out of her. Of course I wouldn't do that...she is my mother.

I'd love nothing more than to cut her loose(weird, eh?), let her be and live whatever she feels she should, but if I do, Lord knows she'd put one hell of a guilt trip on me. I imagine my life without her freakin' drama and I love the thought.

Am I wrong to feel this way toward my own mother?

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You sound totally sane and Id feel the same way in your shoes.

As she is the mother youd expect her to be the experienced grown up who should know better but it sounds like the roles have been reversed, she is acting like the niave kid in love with the married man!!

Imagining your life without her drama in it must be the only sense of relief you have.
Dont feel guilty about anything, if her relationships go wrong because she chose badly its not your fault, there is only so much you can do.

Whose daughter wants to hear about their mothers love life, personally Id find that odd and I dont think its necessarily something a mother should discuss with her daughter(obviously I dont know family history ie where her husband/your father is).

Id imagine this will go on and on, she sounds like a drama queen that loves to overdramatise things.
I think youll have to warn her if she doesnt calm down, make better decisions etc she will lose your sympathy.

If I were you Id avaoid answering the phone or not go to her when she calls for you.It would do my head in!!

Good luck.

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You sound to me like you're a great daughter; your mother is truly lucky to have you in her life. I hope that the possibility of your mother imposing guilt upon you isn't the only thing that keeps you in her corner.

In answer to your question; no, I do not think it is wrong to feel the way you do. I'm sure that most people would feel the same. I think that it's important that your mom know how you feel. By this I don't mean, "you've gotta stop dating unavailable losers," or, "he'll end up leaving you and you'll be talking to me about suicide." I'm thinking more along the lines of, "I feel disheartened at the possibility of you getting hurt by this potentially dishonest man," or, "it frustrates me that I feel like I'm nothing more than a shoulder to cry on for you."

This may seem to be sugar-coating how you really feel, but I would approach it this way, appealing to her love for you, as anger only breeds contempt. If emotions are running too high to have a peaceful conversation, try sending an email. Sometimes having the thoughts of your loved ones in print can be a great thing.

As you know, your mother needs help. I wouldn't know where to begin in the way of bringing that subject up with her, but I would bet that there are resources out there on breaching the subject of psychological assistance.

Lastly, I applaud you and in some ways identify with you. When we're more together than our loved ones, we often get saddled with their baggage and dilemmas in addition to our own. It's tough and unfair, but at the end of the day, we are (or at least I am) always glad that we're in our role and not their's.

Best of luck, and come here to vent anytime!!!

-m

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bm (to think this tough one over)

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Re: Am I wrong to feel this way...

bien wrote:

My mother is dating a married man. I understand people make mistakes, but this is one she seems to repeat quite often. I couldn't count how many there have been.

This one is different though. This man just tonight informed his wife that he's leaving her(the wife + 3 kids)...although he gave no reason as to why. They've been married 20+ years from what he says(totally untrustworthy individual), but my mother is buying all of this. She's on cloud nine...after only 3 weeks of knowing this person. She's already planning to leave the great job she has, and has worked so hard for, to be with this man in another state.

Now, don't get me wrong, my mother is a careless individual at times, but somehow seems to keep her own affairs in check. She's a "functioning" alcoholic, manages to be extremely dependable, but makes the most horrific choices with her personal life. But, guess who she calls first when this sh*t falls through...and whines, bitches, and at times contemplates suicide?....ME!

I am tired of this. I feel I've lost the very last bit of respect I had for her. I've never really had much, but her life is out of control. I don't want to listen to her anymore. I don't want to be the crutch she leans on anymore. In truth, I'd love to just slap the piss out of her. Of course I wouldn't do that...she is my mother.

I'd love nothing more than to cut her loose(weird, eh?), let her be and live whatever she feels she should, but if I do, Lord knows she'd put one hell of a guilt trip on me. I imagine my life without her freakin' drama and I love the thought.

Am I wrong to feel this way toward my own mother?

seems to me you can just tell her about it and if she dont hear you theres nothing you can do but be there to pick up the pieces sounds like you really love her and thats the burdon that you have live with because she will do what she wants, and maybe you can talk her into counciling or aaa, thats all you can do is try to talk to her. i feel your pain.

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Bookmark.

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Re: Am I wrong to feel this way...

bien wrote:

My mother is dating a married man. ....
.... I couldn't count how many there have been.

.... She's on cloud nine...after only 3 weeks of knowing this person.
...She's already planning to leave the great job she has, and has worked so hard for, to be with this man in another state.

..sh*t falls through...she whines, bitches, and at times contemplates suicide...

... her life is out of control
... she'd put one hell of a guilt trip on me.

So, breaking down your OWN words,
how does THIS :

bien wrote:

She's a "functioning" alcoholic,

Fit in?
It doesnt sound to me like she is 'functioning' at all.

( i just wanted to point that out )

With some of the others, I need to think this through.
You are in a tough situation , and have EVERY right to feel the way you
do. In fact, I dont personally know many other people who would still be around if they were in your shoes.
Toxic people are bad for your mental health
Toxic relationships kill your person, they change who YOU are.
She sure is putting herself first in alot of things.. including her
relationship with you.
Maybe it is about time you gave her some of her own medicine and
started putting YOURself first in you guy's relationship.

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Am I wrong to feel this way...

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