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Sun 25 Apr, 2021 02:05 am
She sat there, in the deep, dark and omnipresent silence, during this never-ending pandemic, remembering her better days, days when she had a figure, a decent face, and a life... when she went to restaurants, dancing, listening to blues, eating Mikey's tacos ...wondering what could be in her future. She wasn't gloomy, just introspective. Would she ever work at the Dairy Queen again? Could she get another job? Had her Food Service ticket run out? She was pondering it all when she remembered Doug. Ah, good old hunky, junky Doug. Her man-of-it-all. And she did mean ALL. He had built her a new deck a couple of seasons ago and she had noticed his muscles and kind demeanour. Yes, she thought... good to get in touch with him again. Liven up this boring situation - live it up, as it were. She suddenly felt a new lease on life. She wanted to live again - preferably without masks and a 6' distance. She just hoped he hadn't moved.
@Mame,
As she recalled, Doug was over 6 feet tall, so he could bridge any social distancing. The thought of using Doug to measure proper social distancing was amusing. Then her thoughts turned to measuring parts of Doug
This proved to be such a naughty thought that she coughed.
And immediately thought she had Covid.
@jespah,
But she knew she didn't. She hadn't seen anyone in weeks. Well, not closer than 6' anyway. She hurried to her desk and rummaged about in the top drawer for her stack of business cards. Rifling through them, she found it! Ah, but there was another one there she had totally forgotten about - Ricardo's Plumbing. She seemed to recall he was quite the dude, as well. Curly black hair, deep brown eyes, and that moustache! She'd always had a thing for handlebar moustaches.
following with anticipation.
@Mame,
Then she realized that ol' Ricardo was working in up to four homes a day with uncovered families. Oh, well, she sighed.
@roger,
Her next thought was of a vaccine. Perhaps she could give Ricardo a jab, not unlike the jab she wanted him to give her.
But where to steal a vaccine? And, more importantly, J&J, Astra Zeneca, or Pfizer?
@jespah,
jespah wrote:
Her next thought was of a vaccine. Perhaps she could give Ricardo a jab, not unlike the jab she wanted him to give her.
But where to steal a vaccine? And, more importantly, J&J, Astra Zeneca, or Pfizer?
Well, thankfully she didn't have to think too hard (such a strain under these conditions) as she had a friend who worked in a clinic. They were offering Moderna, which, to date, she heard was safer than Astra and J&J. But which hunk to call? That was really the question. She wandered into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of tonic (chardonnay) and thought she'd better cogitate on it. After her glass of wine, of course.
@Mame,
without warning the radio started to play "You've lost that loving feeling" by the Righteous Brothers and her jaw clenched tightly......she hated that song and then she glided over to the fridge for a bottle of chilled Grey Goose....she dipped her slender arm into the freezer and pulled out a frosted but empty bottle of Grey Goose and also discovered two empty flasks of Jaegermeister.......her mood darkened like a total eclipse of the sun and steam escaped (in a high pitched whistle) from her ears......she could be heard softly muttering 'holy freaking $hitballs, I'm going to freak her up" as she left the kitchen and headed to the Sauna...........
@glitterbag,
Even for a sauna, the place was rustic. The once smooth cedar benches were splintering. She'd have to get Carlos the pool boy to come around later with the special tweezers.
There was a note on one of the benches. It was too misty to read it in there.
For a luxury sauna, the place had so much relative humidity that a small rainstorm was expected later.
In the sauna.
Nearly naked and squinting, she took the phone out to read it, wearing nothing but a N95 mask.
The note said....
"I'm tired of picking splinters out of your butt, so I quit. Plus my mom doesn't like my wife and vice versa so I'm gonna have to go to therapy. It's gonna take quite a while bc I'm a bit of a limp noodle, I hear. Pick out your own splinters, or better yet, get a new bench. By the way, the Grey Goose and Jagermeister were fab. Thanks so much! Carlo"
@Mame,
She gasped and sat down on the bench and immediately yelped and stood up simultaneously loudly and imaginatively cursing the frigging splinters and that damned duplicitous tweezer wielding crumb-bum Carlos. The Grey Goose and Jaegermeister bottles taunted her and her mood darkened into a deep arbergine haze of furious anger and resentment and yet ......... with a touch of daring doo she pondered the depth of her fury, all the while knowing this situation requires quite a bit more than a Snickers Bar to quell the rising tide of malignant irritation swelling in her gut. This requires the skill
of Ben and Jerry's Triple Chocolate, Double Strawberry and Mint ice cream. She gingerly moved her splinter-butt and exited the weather storm in the sauna and headed back to her freezer. She reached in, feeling for the 5 lb bucket, only to find...
@Mame,
... eels. 6 half-frozen eels, to be precise.
Either Carlos was making sushi again, or the Notorious Eel Placer was on the loose again. If it was the latter, then it would require serious detective skills to get to the bottom of the eeliness of the freezer.
Speaking of bottom, she decided to wax rather than tweeze, and started melting crayons as she was fresh out of any other form of wax.
@jespah,
Soon, her butt looked like a kaleidoscope, she still hadn't had her Ben & Jerry's and she was clean out of 'tonic', not mention crayons (well, she did have a sizeable derrière). With her newly coloured and splinter-free sphincter covered up she decided to head on out to Trader Joe's. She grabbed her keys, opened the door and stopped flat. There before her ...
@jespah,
were dozens of small children holding coloring books in their tiny hands. A sense of ill-ease crept into her consciousness....what could it be, what could it possibly be? A familiar throbbing was beginning to surface in her right temple. Softly now but a definite warning that a serious hurting was about to begin. Dang, where did I put the Excedrine she grumbled, and the Estee Lauder night moisturizer.....gak....I must moisturize. The scent of Crayola was strong and she feared that children clutching coloring books would
@glitterbag,
storm her door since they knew she had crayons. I mean, they coloured at her place every Thursday. Maybe she should just show them her generous butt and explain the situation. Wait, No... This called for a Top-ten Mansplainer and she knew just who to call... she told the kids to wait a minute and fished her phone out of her pocket to dial ...
@Mame,
the male Dr. Ruth of A2K, the suave, debonair but sadly somewhat creepy consultant with a legendary high factor of ICKY-poo. She paused a second, then another.........she picked up the frozen eel and pressed it against her throbbing temple to sooth the hammering in her skull. As the cacophony subsided in her head, she poured a shot of Jaeger into her glass but then exploded in a nuclear fury of biblical proportion when only dust bunnies tumbled from the empty bottle. The rafters shook when she bellowed "CARLOS YOU smarmy LOUSE"...........When I find you
@glitterbag,
That threat went unanswered as she espied a bottle of Chardonnay beside the freezer. Oho! Ha ha! Suddenly her temples cooled and she was floating on air. She grabbed the bottle, a tray of ice cubes, and a 2 cup measuring cup. She was going to have a party!
She sat in her favourite (Cdn spelling) overstuffed easy chair, flicked on the tv, and poured herself a healthy dose. Flicking through the channels, she was startled to find the Dr. Ruth of A2K interviewing the 'limp noodle' on FOX News. She didn't even knew she GOT Fox News. But as she listened...
@Mame,
... she was able to ascertain that there was a conspiracy afoot, and it was coming from inside the house. Carlos was selling frozen eels on the black market, to support...
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