Tue 9 Mar, 2021 04:00 pm
I have had issues with my head for as long as I remember. When I was a child, I would get so worked up crying that I would start seizing and having panic attacks. In my teen years, I suffered from black outs very frequently and had extreme, violent mood swings (when other girls my age were sneaking out and slamming doors when they got punished, I was throwing punches at my mom). From my late teens (18, 19) to present day I have faced a number of traumatic experiences and often have trouble sleeping, flashbacks, memory loss. For a good chunk of time I had turned to drugs and alcohol as a form of coping. I'm now 26 and have slightly more control over my life (no more heavy drinking or drug use). But my mental health is still declining. I now have frequent, debilitating panic attacks which usually end with me in the emergency room unable to speak or barely even move. I have recently started suffering from auditory and visual hallucinations when I'm feeling anxious. There's a new issue of extreme paranoia starting that I can't control no matter how irrational I know it is. I feel like I'm losing my grasp on reality. I can't keep anything straight in my head and I'm in "crisis" mode 24/7. I have been to the doctor more times than I can count. I'm getting to a point with my rage that I'm feeling violent. I'm also so emotional that I can't even do my hair without bursting into tears if something doesn't go right. It feels like I'm losing myself at an alarming rate. The doctors always chalk it up to stress, anxiety or dehydration. Could anxiety really be that bad? I don't have any clue what the underlying issue could be. My mom was bipolar and I know sometimes that can be passed down. But to stay on track, I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me or help me figure out what's wrong. But I live in PA...I have no health insurance...I make too much money to the point where no one will give me financial aid or state insurance to seek mental/behavioral health help but I also don't make enough money to be able to pay out of pocket. My regular doctor tries to help by prescribing me anti anxiety and anti depression medication, but it just makes me suicidal. I feel so helpless and I have no idea what to do. My boss doesn't "believe" in mental illness, he thinks everything can be fixed with a "smiling face and positive attitude" so trying to get time off for any real care is almost impossible. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to leave my household hanging by being unemployed because I can't cope with the outside world anymore or even myself but I have no idea where to even start getting the help I need. Any resources or helpful tips would be greatly appreciated.
Find an Emotions Anonymous group. Maybe your local hospital can refer you.
It’s free and involves others who are going thru similar experiences.