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Thu 14 Jul, 2005 12:47 am
Hi,First off,I would like some advice from anyone willing to give it,but I don't want any nasty replies,please.Okay,I am a 21 year old who has had an affair with a married 38 year old.I know what some of you are thinking,"WHAT?!"....I met him at work and we had eyes on eachother for about a month or two.We started working together on the same line and got to know eachother better.He told me he was married,but he was looking for something else.Well,somehow,it became me.We went to lunch together alot,hung out with eachother at work,did everything like best friends do.Everyone started to catch on to it,he said he didn't care if anyone found out about us.So everytime someone said something about us being together,we would just agree to whatever the rumors were that week about us.He told me in the beginning that there could be no feelings involved other than a simple attraction between us,that if it got to the point where there were more feelings that it would have to end...well,as time went on I did get feelings,but never told him.He started to get jealous of me looking at other guys or even talking to one.I don't understand that if no feelings could be involved,and it was only strictly sex or whatever,then why was he getting mad?That's one small part of the story.Well,I've known him for a year now.(I forgot to mention that he has only been married for a year and a half and we had an affair 6 months into it.)and I am falling in love with him,like actual LOVE.He is so what I want in my soul mate.We do everything together,have the same likes and wants,we are always all over eachother no matter where we are.We just act like we are married,basically.Well,anyways,I haven't seen him in awhile or talked to him due to me moving and not having a way to talk to him until i got a cell and my friend gave him the #.we all went out last Weds. and were all over eachother.He kept telling me how he thought about me all the time,everyday and how things remind him of me.He said he always thinks about me all the time.He said all this and was very affectionate towards me in front of a couple people he works with that knws he's married.He even told us to come to his house when his wife leaves town and hang out.I'm confused on what to do because he said no emotions could get involved like that but when the subject of a guy at work liking me came up,he said"he can't have my girl"and gets mad when he thinks someone is gonna take me,WHY?I don't know if he's feeling the same as I do or what.When we were out,he kept saying all night how he thinks about me all the time and how I'm his girl.Then when we were walking away,he said you love me,don't you and smiled.I said I love you in a kidding way.why does he say these things and tell me things when he said in the beginning it could never be more than sex.Is he feeling like I do,what do I do.....So sorry I wrote a book on here but I wanted to give the story so you all could help me understand better....thanx for any comments......please don't post any nasty ones...
Bottom line: This man has everything he wants and needs right now. Let him feed you his bull and continue to fall for every bit of it. Maybe one day he'll leave..Maybe one day he'll be "yours forever". Maybe one day he'll realize he's not a youngin' anymore and stop playing on naive women's emotions....Do you forsee this? I sure as hell don't.
So, go on and post. Argue every valid point anyone tries to make. You probably won't listen to those who tell you that you deserve more. You won't listen or believe that he's a scumbag. You'll defend yourself, and him, until everyone runs out of things to say, right?
So, what exactly are you wanting to know...seeing as how you have it all figured out?
listen,bien....i just wanted to hear from people who are or have been in an affair.Not people like you who post rude remarks because they are bored with their lives.....I am asking women or men basically how to get out if need be....and any advice from them that they have,not from people like you who don't have respect about a person's feelings and post up comments like yours.You're not in a situation like I am so,don't reply,thanx....
Im gona be as nice as I can-
Basically men play mind games/lie to get something better.
Respect for other peoples feelings!!What about his wifes??Could you explain why he is cheating on her as this hasnt been mentioned?
HE is bored with HIS life so he wants to control you, eg 'he cant have my girl' and ' you love me, dont you?'.He says no emotions are to develop but he wants you to fall in love with him and be completly loyal to him and not see any other guys whilst he is 'stuck' in his marriage.
He was married for 6 months and cheated on his wife!
If you and him ever get together he may do this to you.Im sure him and his wife were all over each other at one point.Thats the kind of guy your dealing with, someone that can cheat.
Its clear he is unhappy with his life and you are the only happy thing in it.Im sure he has feelings for you but until he leaves his wife, whats in it for you?Do yuo really want to share him.
Why would you want to get out of it?
The reason for the cheat:he and his wife argue all the time and he's caught her talking to other guys,she stays out late,and never wants to be with him.I think you are right,he does seem to want to be in control.I was thinking about what I had just posted and I really feel like he wants me as a back-up incase things don't work for him and his wife,if they do,i'm out.I feel like he is getting into the controlling stage because if I'm interested in other guys,he's afraid I will go to them and he will feel like he lost,like he can't stay in the game anymore....Oh my Gosh....I can't believe I never thought of this before.....It was all infront of me.Thanx for the comment,now does anyone know how to end it without it being nasty....?
There you go, he doesnt even like his wife innocently talking to another man.If they argue Im not surprised she doesnt want to be with him.I thought arguments were a big part of marriage.Its a shame they cant talk about it and work it out instead of him complicating it by getting a 3rd party(you) involved.
Why on earth should you worry about his feelings if you try and split up with him?Try and be as nice as you can but dont beat yourself up about it if he is upset.
He is the one in the wrong.
If you BOTH truely want to be together I suggest yuo give him an ultimatum of leaving his wife or you split up.If you do, make sure yuo stick to it, dont give him any wishy washy lee way.
He rally needs to sort out what he wants in life then maybe you can have a clearer view of the future.
material girl wrote:If you BOTH truely want to be together I suggest yuo give him an ultimatum of leaving his wife or you split up.If you do, make sure yuo stick to it, dont give him any wishy washy lee way.
He rally needs to sort out what he wants in life then maybe you can have a clearer view of the future.
Great advice, MG. But I disagree with this part. I think the guy knows what he wants, but he doesn't know how to get it or keep it. By the age of 38, this is no longer an issue of immaturity. It's a character flaw.
He's exhibiting other major character flaws as well. Ones that should make you run away as fast as you can, SEA! First, he's not just an ordinary cheater, he's a flagrant cheater. He flaunts your affair in front of others. He has not only disrespected his marriage vows, but he has shown profound disrespect for his wife by doing this. Inviting you and others to his house to "hang out" when his wife is gone is extremely tacky behavior. And then there's the blatant admission that he was "looking for something else" after only six months of marriage. I cannot say this strongly enough:
An honorable man would not behave this way.
I wouldn't bother giving him an ultimatum, SEA. He's already proven he can't stick by what he says. Even if he did leave his wife and go with you, what could possibly make you think he's capable of keeping such a commitment? He isn't.
No good can come of this. Since your heart is involved, you should end it. You're right, you don't have to be nasty about it. Not at all. Just tell him he has too much history. He can't deny that.
I just read your post on another thread. It was very enlightening.
Obviously you've been going through a lot of emotional turmoil. I think this guy took advantage of that, and perhaps you were looking for a way out as well.
At any rate, let's just call this guy "Transitional Man" and put this whole sordid business behind you. You need to make a fresh start on your own, without any complications. You need time to heal. I hope you'll take good care of yourself and allow yourself some nurturing time alone.
All you know about his wife is what he told you. He is lying to her, so more than likely he is lying to you.
Leave him, find a man who is not married.
You're only 21, think 5, 10 years down the road. Here are a few possibilities.......
1. You're still seeing this loser, his either left his wife, or hasn't left his wife, but either way you're no closer to getting any commitment from him and you waste your nights waiting for the phone to ring.
2. He divorces his wife, gets together with you, starts cheating on you within 6 months. Honey, if they'll do it with ya, they'll do it to ya. His his eyes you're just one more conquest.
3. You cut your losses, dump his sorry ass, and get on with your life, finding someone to is free to commit to you.
When you get married to someone, you take VOWS.
Chances are you are nothing but an ego trip for him, and the subject of much locker room conversation.
ok darling, listenup. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Dont waste your time on anyone that cheats.Please do not think that you are the ones that is going to change him
"respect about a person's feelings" Remember that there are other people in this situation. The wife was there first . You injected your self in their lives. While I have never cheated on anyone nor have I engaged with a married ma, I am telling you form the heart. GET OUT. I have been on the other end though and it hurts so bad that I still have not gotten over it. I gave my whole life to this man and after 20 years he decided to leave his family for the other woman. Please do not think that he will not do the same things to you that he is doing to his wife. I hope that I have enlighten you to the other side of the coin. You are young. You need to take care of yourself. I hope eveything works out for you, but I hope it works out for the wife too. Good luck in what ever you tried to do.
Thanx to all of the comments.I ust wanted to say that I have finally broke it off.It was hard ,but I realize it was all a stupid,immature,desrespectful mistake I made.He was very,very pset,but you know what,I don't even care.He needs to be there for his wife and stick to the vows and I told him I thought he would just do the same to me,he said he wouldn't because I'm different,but yeah,whatever.Save it J.I feel so sorry for his wife and I wish it would all have never happened because I wouldn't want it to happen to me.I was just caught in the moment,i guess.Going through too much and was vulnerable,thanks for helping me realize.
Re: Need advice on affair,please
StarryEyedAngel wrote:Hi,First off,I would like some advice from anyone willing to give it,but I don't want any nasty replies,please.Okay,I am a 21 year old who has had an affair with a married 38 year old..
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1454144#1454144
StarryEyedAngel wrote:I just left my husband because he has been verbally and just recently physically abusive to me and my children.I've tried to help him for 6 years and he will never change..he's got to help himself..
I'm a bit curious.
On this thread you're a 21 year-old who's been having an affair with a married man.
On the other thread you've
just left a six year marriage and have children. Your husband was
just recently physically abusive.
Now, it's possible that you were married at 14, and also having an affair, but maybe ... maybe you'd like to clarify how this all worked.
i was actually with the guy for six years since i was about 15,been married actually 2 1/2 out of that,since 17.I have been out of the marriage for about a year or so now,still recent to me,so my marriage was going wrong before this also...we were in divorce process for a while...my husband,rather ex,has been verbally and physically abusive recently,even when we aren't together,he's still like this.......never gonna change.....get it now?
And me, I'm not reading any of it -
I am really tired of reading emotional posts thousands of letters long.
Good luck to you though.
Well done Starry, get out there and find yourself a nice guy.
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