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Dreams of your first love

 
 
Reply Sun 24 Jan, 2021 06:34 pm
I'm almost 27 and came out a fews years ago though not without effort. You know the story: catholic school, off to college, falls for straight best friend, gets rejected, drops out of school and has to claw her way back. I've moved on, totally over it but why is she still popping up in my dreams?

In the dreams, sometimes she's nice, sometimes she's just standing there and we're walking around town and joking like we used to, she died once, and last night her face was all kinds of messed up. Lately it's usually just the darkness.

I know it's not a reflection of who she is today, but rather who I still am. There are no words for how vulnerable I was at the time, how many trust issues were born and flourished then because of the grief/pain/guilt/confusion, not only did I lose my friend but my whole world came crashing down around me. A lot of our friends in common just got really quiet around me and I felt shunned when it all happened. She insisted that we remain friends but I just couldn't do it, I felt so weak and the world so bland and lifeless. Ended up doing some creepy **** and now it's just weird whenever I run into any of them. Her boyfriend (who she's been with since then) and her mother do not like me at all as per our last encounters.

It's been years and time has done its thing but I just don't get why she keeps propping up in my dreams. I'd rather not feel like that insecure 19 year old anymore.

I don't know, I'm so confused. I tried texting my ex about it because she was always so compassionate. But talking to your ex about your other "ex" is kinda weird and I can't afford therapy right now so I'm writing here.

If you read it, and it made any sort of sense, thank you.
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jespah
 
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Reply Sun 24 Jan, 2021 06:57 pm
@Boudicca09,
Our subconsciousness pulls from all sorts of places for dream fodder. So maybe it's time to give it something else to pull from.

What can you do that's new and different - and maybe even a little bit scary? Not necessarily romantic and/or sexual. More like classes in public speaking, or even stand up. Learn how to cook something that seems daunting, if that floats your boat. Or anything else which feels very different. You can probably grab something off YouTube which would be Covid-safe and likely to be free.

I can't say it'll always work, but it's better than nothing and you might even develop a new skill out of it. Smile
Boudicca09
 
  2  
Reply Sun 24 Jan, 2021 07:17 pm
@jespah,
I mean don't get me wrong. I'm actually doing something with my life; I have many things going for me right now and objectively speaking, I've never done as well as I'm doing now. I have my own apartment, feeding myself, paying bills, finishing my degree, loads of hobbies, etc - that's why it I messes me up that it's still happening.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sun 24 Jan, 2021 07:38 pm
@Boudicca09,
Oh, I'm not suggesting that you're not doing well (that's a lot of negatives, but I take it you know what I mean). This is more to shake things up a little.
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