boyfriend is acting weird

Amanda--

Two and a half weeks is not a long time.

Graduate school--one, two, three or four years--is a long time.

Meanwhile, your friend's decisions--work or grad school, east coast or west coast, life with you or life without you--are his to make.

You wrote:



You also seem to want his full attention right now.

You're not going to get it.

You've made your wishes clear to him. Now, be fair to yourself and take a fresh look at this situation. The guy you think you love goes broody and "weird"--and will probably act this way under stress for the rest of his life.

You write:



In times of mutual crisis he wants to be alone. In times of mutual crisis you want his full attention.

These competing needs are not compatible.

I was in your b/f's situation about three years ago. Almost identical, same amount of time together, distance, grad school etc.

I'm not going to guess whether he's going to leave you or not. But I have some advice you can take or leave.

First I'll say that I was crazy about my girlfriend, but the decision definitely weighed on my mind and at times distracted me from the relationship. Eventually it got so intense that I, without meaning to, distanced myself emotionally just so I could function properly (this was after I left). That may not be what's going on at all. But most of what you've said sounds natural in such a situation. In short, he may not be acting weird on purpose, and it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you.

Here is what you can do though, for yourself. Demand that he doesn't drag YOU through a decision that is ultimately up to him. What I mean is, I did alot of discussing aloud about whether to go or stay, to do long distance or not, a lot of mind changing. Which wasn't fair to her at all. I was an inconsiderate dumbass. Just protect your basic emotional rights, you know?

And if you decide to keep it up long distance, you guys have to have your **** together before he leaves. You need to figure out how you'll make it work, be creative, be positive, and get excited about being serious enough to let things grow in a new direction.

Best to you guys.

Thanks for responding gargamel...interesting take. We had decided that we WOULD talk together about the decision, so that hopefully (somehow) we could both come up w/ something TOGETHER that we'd be happy with. We have weighed pros and cons, but yes, ultimately, the decision IS up to him. I have told him that while he is having a hard time, so AM I! I am putting my emotions and future into the hands of someone else, and thats scary! Although I wonder if he's being quiet/distracted b/c of the decision to make, or b/c he's siding or has decided on moving to Cali and just hasnt' broken the news to me yet....

It's just a sucky situation. No matter what you do or what happens, it's going to suck for a little while.

OK, so update...we made it through the 2 1/2 weeks, he's back, and now more than ever seems like he's going to move back to Cali (although hasn't told me he's made a decision and still wants to discuss ideas w/ me). I am still going crazy though...I've been getting upset, and crying, and a mess really! I don't want to be selffish and I want to support his decision, but at the same time, how the hell am I supposed to support a decision that ultimately screws me over, and very possibly our relationship too? The masters he is getting is not for a career advance, but a personal goal, so I cant help but think that while yes, I support his goals and him reaching them, isn't a strong relationship with hopes of a future a personal goal too? I'm just hung up on the fact that since this will not be affecting his career choice, he would be moving one, because he doesn't like the East Coast and two, misses his family. He really HATES the east coast...but I had always thought our game plan was hold out two years on the East coast until he gets his masters, by then I will have finished my undergrad, then we would move to Cali to possibly start the rest of our lives together! He can't hold out two years when I'm willing to consider moving away from everything for a lifetime for him?! Am I being really selffish...I'm just so confused...I know how I feel, but I'm not sure if it's RIGHT to feel that way. In the mean time, I'm losing sleep, being moody to him, he's being moody and stressed out back at me, and asking me for help making his decision when I really believe this decision will ultimately be hurting ME.

Amanda--

From your description this man is making plans for himself as an individual rather than for a couple.

Has there been any talk about you transfering to a West Coast college?
Does he ever talk about what will happen to your relationship in those next two years? Or is he concentrating on what is best for him?

Under the circumstances, you'd better do some individual planning. Is he aware of how much you feel you're on the outside looking in? Does this matter to him?

Before you invest more emotional capital, you need some information.

Guys and Decisions
I have a thought...most guys will not leave their girlfriends this early in the game if they are madly in love. They just won't. You shouldn't be at the boring stage in 5 months. I dated someone in my past for over 2 years, and we had lots of stressful decisions, and it was butterflies the whole time. We ended up not together due to some mutual decisions we made, but not because we didn't care...we were just adult about the whole thing. Not sure this one will make it...but, always remember, there is someone else out there. It just doesn't feel like it right now...even someone more perfect, and you don't even know it.