My horrendous trip to the supermarket.....

Bloody strange goings on!

As I had some spare time on my hands today, I went out in the car to do the weekly shop. It is absolutely baking hot weather at the mo, and driving up the road, I nearly careened onto the pavement as I passed a rather striking young lady, wearing only what appeared to be a couple of dishcloths tied together across her ample bosom.
Legs, bottom and buppies moving in all directions at once in a jiggly sort of way....... she could have caused a major accident. Bloody thoughtless behaviour if you ask me.

Alas, when I arrived at the Supermarket, I was aware that she was just the vanguard for a vast army of female alluredness. Diaphanous visions of near naked beauty wobbled and bounced past me in the vegetable section, causing me to not look where I was going at one stage, as I smashed into the display of cut flowers.
I made my mind up to pay full attention to the task in hand, took a deep breath and set off on my usual route through the aisles, picking up the same things that I buy each week, almost as if I was on autopilot.
The chilled cabinet aisle was particularly terrifying, as the cold air obviously had its affect on the hordes of nubileness, causing a certain amount of pertity, plus the fact that half of them were bending over to get something out of the cabinet.
I exited this section, after a minute or two of involuntary slavering, and limped awkwardly to the tinned goods. No good.....they were everywhere.
Fighting back the waves of panic, I hastily snatched for my usual stuff, whilst my mind was concentrating on not passing out. The aisles seemed to flash by and all of the various female limbs and operational parts seemed to meld into one giant seductive being, as I lunged at the shelves and stuffed my shopping bags, finally making my way to the checkout, having broken out in hives and perspiring like buggery.
More bending over and lots of jiggling was experienced. Beads of perspiration running down cleavages were being slowly wiped away with tissues. One had an ipod on the go, and was gently moving to the music. My eyebrows were caught in the act of keeping in time with the rythm of her dance.

Just beyond the checkouts, I saw a line of men, sitting down in chairs and drinking cold water, one was mopping something off his trouser leg. They looked how I felt. Thank god I was almost out of there.
I hastily paid for my goods, and made my way to the car, only to find that a particularly supple young thing had parked next to me, and was at full stretch, loading her shopping into the rear of her vehicle. She nodded at me and made some comment about the weather, to which I replied by saying something incomprehensible, in a panic stricken squeak.
By now in full flap, I chucked the shopping into the car, got in and turned the air conditioning to full blast. Ten deep breaths later, I roared out of the car park, longing for the safety of home.

Having turned into my driveway, I hastily opened the front door, trying to ignore the throng of nakedness that was passing by on the way to the nearby Park, and almost ran with the bags of shopping, and threw them into the kitchen.
With my front door closed to the world, I breathed a sigh of relief, and opened a small bottle of very cold beer, glugging whilst reaching in to unload the first bag.
"What the bloody hell?....I never put that in the trolley!" Second item was the same. What is going on?

Having unpacked the entire load onto the kitchen worktop, I find that I have nothing that resembles my usual weekly shop. The contents consist of two ripe melons, a long knobbly gourde, a very large bottle of baby oil, chocolate sauce, a full set of kitchen utensils, crumpet, a shower gel called "woodland nymph", a Donna Summers CD, Extra king sized condoms marked "ribbed for her pleasure" (whatever that means), a multi pack of Kleenex, various essential oils, a bathing sponge, two of those little bakewell tarts with the cherries on (one cherry severely nibbled), a bottle of extra stength tonic wine, four tubes of KY gel and a thumping great cucumber!

I am now convinced that I have taken the wrong shopping to my car, and am at a loss as to what to cook for dinner this evening.

I therefore apologize to the shopper who got home to find that they had, among other things, a wedge of particularly ripe Stilton, a fine Vintage Port and a tube of Anusol personal itch cream.
Or at least that's what I think I bought. I am all confused now, and shall have to lie down.......