Have a wife, 3 kids and a girlfriend!!!

From what you say, you should a) definitely stop with the mistress (including telling her the truth), and b) focus on your current marriage -- which could include salvaging it or, if it's unsalvageable, getting a divorce.

Good luck.

I am sorry you've put yourself in this position and I am even more sorry you are stuck in a marriage that you were unable to pick. That makes it extremely difficult for me to give advice, because I can't understand a culture that arranges marriages. I would normally tell you to quit it and go back to your wife and family and on the surface that is what I should be saying. But you never had a chance to pick your wife, you never made that decision so is it truly fair to condemn you for a mistake that wasn't yours? On the other hand, you are married and I do hold marriage vows very high so I do think what you are doing is wrong. I truly hope that someone here can help you out but I don't have an answer for you. I want to scream at you to stop because you are hurting your family and breaking wedding vows. But the part of me that believes everyone should be allowed to choose and marry who they want tells me to have sympathy for you. **sigh** This really is a pickle.

Man, what a mess.

So, let me see if I've got this straight. You are in an arranged marriage, and you feel you cannot bear to touch your wife, yet you have three children with her. Somewhere in there, a bit of touching had to have gone on, yes?

And then, during her last pregnancy or just after it, if my math is right regarding the dates, you hooked up with another woman. This woman, for some weird reason, I suspect a really low level of self-esteem, decided that it was okay that you have kids by other women. Since you have admittedly lied to her about your marital status, I can't figure out if you were truthful to her about the ages of your children. Be that as it may, most people in their 20s do not have children over the age of 10. Heck, it's pretty close to physically impossible. So this other women, if she set her mind to it, would have realized that your children were small (assuming you didn't also lie about your own age), and therefore the relationship(s) (to her mind, based on what you have told her) with other women (again, based on your untruths to her) were recent. After all, a three-month-old child means you last had sex with the mother a year ago (yes, the youngest is older than that now, but was apparently not when the relationship started).

For whatever bizarre reason, this other women has not run screaming from your relationship. Instead, she has kindly opened her heart to your children, despite what should be an overwhelming number of signals that all is not well, such as, let's see, (a) young children; (b) by different mothers, at least based upon what you have told her and (c) you not allowing her to meet your family. Against all of that, this woman wants to be with you, says she cannot live without you, etc. etc. etc. If her self-esteem is not down the tubes completely, then it's possible that she's just a stalker (the two are not mutually exclusive). Or I could be totally off base with that, but at the very least she is ignoring a boatload of red flags. Most people do not do that if they have inner resources.

Where's your wife in all of this? You left her stuck with three young kids, including two in diapers, one of those a very small infant, while you gallivanted around with someone else. Regardless of how your marriage began, regardless of how you feel about your wife, your children have suffered, and you have treated her like dirt. I suspect your kids did not live with you during your gallivanting -- after all, toddlers tend to cramp one's style during such shenanigans, plus there's their pesky mother to think of, I suspect she'd insist on seeing her children, even if you didn't make too many regular efforts in that area, if I'm reading this all correctly.

In the US, and I don't know where you are, but in the US, your wife would get full or nearly full custody of your children, and you'd only see them on weekends and the occasional holiday, plus you'd be paying child support for them, assuming your wife does not work and, even if she does, three young children require round-the-clock babysitting if Mom is not around. That lack of money might give your girlfriend pause but, seeing as nothing else seems to have, I'm not so sure on that account.

You want advice? I know you didn't want to be told you've done wrong so I'll spare you that, but what I think you should do is file for divorce and let your wife have whatever she wants. AND tell your girlfriend the truth, the whole truth, and not some cock and bull story.

Your children deserve a parent who will be with them when they need them, not at the parent's whim or convenience, and your wife deserves the opportunity to be free of her marriage to you so that she can find someone else -- if not to love her at least to respect her. Your girlfriend deserves someone who respects her enough to tell her the truth and not make up convenient nonsense so that the fun doesn't stop before he wants it to stop.

Will you see your kids? Will your girlfriend stay with you? Who knows? But if you care at all about any of these people, you need to buck up and be an adult. And being an adult means sometimes taking your lumps and going through unpleasantness. But it's time. Someone's got to pay the piper and your wife and children have paid for too long and, with your lying, your girlfriend's paid some, too. It's your turn now.

Is divorce even an option since this is an arranged marriage?

The real tragedy here is your children. They are being deprived a father which can be very detrimental.

You need to figure out what you truly want here. You must have felt something for your wife at some point, actually three points, in time or you wouldn't have kids. I would say, try to find the feelings you once had for your wife, or better yet, get to know her again as the mother of your children and learn to love her and love your children (and get rid of the mistress), or get out of the marriage and let her and the children carry on.

Excellent post, jes.

I'm torn on the culture thing. What was your wife doing for six months while you were living with your girlfriend? Was/is she aware of your relationship or were you burning both ends of the candle?

Your wife is loving, attractive, and patient (I'd say) so does that tell me that even though your marriage was arranged you have real feelings for her? Obviously your family would have a stroke, which is why you won't introduce your girlfriend to them, so what is it that makes you think any of this is a good idea?

Get rid of the girlfriend, dedicate yourself to your wife and children and if you discover you really have no feelings for your wife, get a divorce and stop lying to everyone around you.

many thanks all for the advice, much appreciated.

my wife is loving caring etc etc, but its not reciprocated by me. I don't know why she cant let go, or the girlfriend cant let go.I'm back at home right now kids are asleep and wife, but i've been out getting drunk trying to make myself feel better, and smsing the girlfriend, who starts texting and doesn't stop. the girlfriends not insecure and i think not a stalker(!), have had no signs of that, but i really do not want to be with her when i look at my kids. But when i think of her, i start making excuses about why i should be with her.

I know the girlfriend loves me dearly, so does my wife, they both tell me continuously, but i am torn between the two.

Child support I have no problems with, they are my kids, the girlfriend understands that and insists that i should see them and that she wants to build a relationship with them, but she doesn't realise what is happening, she is naive and is being led astray by me!messing up her own life because i have begun a relationship with her on false pretences and not only did she fall for me but i did very badly for her.

where my wife i met through my family, was in a way emotionally blackmailed into getting married to her, being the only son etc, i did love her for the first 6 months or so, when my phone numbers changed etc, but once that period was over, the numbers came back on and i began to see ex's again, but they all new i was married. But this poor girl didn't and has gotten caught up in something that she didn't realise she was gona get caught up into. so i do feel sorry for her. i feel sorry for my wife as well, who was also made to have an arranged marriage, ok she found me attractive and me her but on the first night there was no love there, it may have been a one night stand!the love, well what i thought and was taught would be love came about sometime after that when we began to get to know each other. But that soon died on my part anyway!

While i was with the girlfriend my wife has simply looked after the kids and the house!with me not being able to get physical with her i think she is beginning to realise something is not right, but is not questioning anything, living in denial i think. same for the rest of my family.

My family would have more than a stroke, they would simply disown me, but if i feel that i am able to have a relationship with this woman i am prepared for that, and simply don't care. But if not, is it a whole lot of trouble for nothing!?

I do want to do the right thing by everyone and will give my own happiness if thats what it takes, honestly without a doubt. but having said that i will have a lot of hatred inside me, for everyone concerned, and as my girlfriend said when i said to her about if it's going to end in 6 months or a year why not let it end now, she replied how do you know it would, how do you know it won't be special, you only get given one chance in life!

Jes your reply was excellent, i really appreciate you taking the time out. And everyone else many thanks.

Confused,

Getting drunk isn't going to change anything. It will all be the same in the morning and you'll have a hangover to go along with everything else. You are in your mid-20s. She is older with a teenage daughter which leads me to guess she's in her mid-30s or perhaps even older. Look around at some of the other threads on this board from men in their 50s who want a sweet young thing because their partner no longer satisfies them.

Do you really think you can have a long term relationship with a woman who's daughter isn't much younger than you are. I don't think you can even begin to imagine furthering this relationship as long as you're still married. And, if it were me and you told me you'd been married all along and had lied to me from the beginning, there would be no question what I would do, but we're not talking about me. I don't know your girlfriend, she sounds a bit clingy so perhaps she'll be more understanding than I imagine.

Do you think it's worth the risk of alienating your children and being disowned by your family? I feel for you about being in an arranged marriage. I don't pretend to understand your culture where that practice is still accepted today. The fact that you were back with numerous ex's within 6 months of your marriage tells me you were never committed to this relationship to begin with. I think the only thing to do is what I said before, drop the girlfriend, figure out if there is any future with your wife, and go from there. No one should be in a marriage where there is no hope. If you find yourself in that position then get a divorce, but don't continue to live your life as a lie.

Thanks. I've gone through your last post, edited out some of the extra stuff (well, to me it was extra ) and put an emphasis on a few sentences.

Bottom line is, you seem to have a lot of concern about your own happiness but not so much about anyone else's. Right now, despite what you are telling yourself, despite what you are telling us, you're really in the catbird seat. Hey, it's fun to be wanted by so many, and it's convenient to be able to dismiss one or the other because you have a contingency plan. So while you are telling us, and yourself, that this is a bad situation, it's tearing you up, etc., you're still texting the girlfriend, you're still not communicating with your wife, and you're still not coming clean in any way.

Of course I cannot (no one can) expect instant results, but surely you must have more willpower than this, man. How about, I dunno, not texting your girlfriend back???? Or sitting down with your wife and telling her that you have to talk -- she may be in denial, or she may be trying to make the best of a bad situation. You have said very little about her so it's unknown as to whether your wife has a life outside of you and the children. Does she? Does she work? Go to a church or other religious services? Have friends? Hang around with her family? Talk to the neighbors? Go to the gym? Take the kids to the park? Anything?

Because what I'm reading into this is that she doesn't seem to have too many inner resources, either. Perhaps she is in denial, or seems that way, because you're it, your family is it for her. If she has no other life, say, she is in a strange land and doesn't speak the language well, that kind of thing, she may very well be uninterested in upsetting the apple cart. I'm sure she is smart enough to realize something is happening, but the reason why she isn't doing anything about it may be self-preservation, or for the sake of your children. So take a moment and put yourself in her shoes. That's a part of what it means to be mature: empathy. When you can walk a mile in someone else's shoes, it's a real showing of maturity. So try it, and learn how she feels, or at least get an idea.

And please don't wait for her to explode and punish you in some way, or tearfully beg for a divorce or a reconciliation or whatever before something is done. Your wife, as you say, is attractive, and I'm sure she is still young. So give her the opportunity to have another life. Don't waste her time just because you can't make a decision.

As for your girlfriend, I'm with J_B, the woman has got to be in or near her 30s at this point. If she's as naive as you say, then, well, she hasn't been paying too much attention to the world, or she has other motivations for being together. I see you picked up on my suggesting she is a stalker, and perhaps I'm wrong (hey, I've been wrong before), but there must be a reason why she is hanging on. Does she feel she is no longer attractive and cannot bag someone else of your looks and/or status? Are you so wealthy that she can overlook some (many!) indiscretions because she wants to get her hands on your wallet? Don't flatter yourself, it's not because the sex is so mind-blowing. People don't offer to take on someone else's young children just because the sex is so much fun. There has to be something else to it.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but I feel you are not being honest with yourself or with us. Like I said before, this little fun time has to come to an end at some point in time. It will be a lot better for your children -- and you, and everyone else -- if it comes crashing down sooner rather than later. Will your wife take you back? Will your children continue to look up to you? Will your girlfriend still love you? Who knows?

Oh, and another thing -- to throw this out there -- since you have already cheated on one wife, and did so in short order, even when you were still having a sexual relationship with your wife, what makes you think things would be any different if you were to commit yourself fully to this other woman? Oh, and one last thing, since you've spread the sex around, what makes you think something else hasn't been spread around with it? Yes, I am talking about STDs. Do you care enough about either of these women to get an AIDS test? You might not have it, perhaps you don't, but it's another one of those pesky responsibility things that's wrapped up with maturity. And even if you don't want to grow up, your children need you to do so. Be a man for them, if you can't be for anyone else.