Mon 7 Sep, 2020 05:38 pm
I've come here because at this point I'm so confused:
Growing up, my parents divorced and I was mostly with my mom (we literally shared a room because we were broke) and my brother (who's fully gay). All my cousins are females so I'd consider myself a pretty feminine boy. I like pop music, to dance around, i've got a bit of a high pitch voice i guess.
anyway, around 12 to 15-16 i knew for sure i liked girls. i dated them, loved to cuddle, kissed them, love their attraction and attention. In high school however, I started to have feelings about boys mostly. it's like the tables turned. Now I do have gay fantasies about like one or two boys. I don't know if it's just because i envy them so much. And then i also recently have been having thoughts about like being a girl and like what its like even tho i feel perfectly contempt with being a guy. I feel like at the moment im going through a cycle of depression/(social) anxiety, not knowing what to do in life, being bored, isolated, and meaningless.
but it's weird because a few months ago i had a crush on a girl. like i was getting butterflies and i loved it when we were together. i feel like i didnt find her attractive (even though she was, i did find her very cute) but im not sure if im mostly referring to her personality it was so obvious that my friend even texted me asking if i was flirting with her.
i've had a few people ask me if im gay throughout the past few years, and i've always replied no and when i say it i feel weird but the truth is i dont know. i feel like it is a yes but when i admit it to myself it still feels as if im lying. i mean i guess i give gay vibes to some people but i feel like its just a bit of my femininity which i feel is normal for a guy to have considering my upbringing. bisexuality also doesn't sit right with me. im 19 so am i just confused, has anyone gone through something similar... or does someone, by reading this, just know who i am lol?
@kalcifer,
You are ... you.
You're attracted to some people. Awesome! You're not attracted to some other people. That's also awesome.
Behaving in a feminine manner (whatever that specifically means, when you get right down to it) doesn't dictate your sexuality. Who you're attracted to/not attracted to? That
does dictate your sexuality.
Recognize that this is a confusing time in nearly everyone's life, and you've got it in spades because it's also 2020 with its own special brand of nonsense.
Keep exploring. Keep being attracted to some people, and maybe ask them out if you feel comfortable doing so. And keep not being attracted to others, and be friends with them (because you can't have too many friends).
It'll all work itself out in the wash eventually. Just enjoy your life right now.
@kalcifer,
I think you're a feminine boy who likes boys and girls. You're also probably in the trans spectrum, but that is a spectrum, going from cisgender to genderfluid to transgender. You don't seem dysphoric, so I'm guessing you're in the middle.
Gender and sexual orientation have nothing to do with each other. I don't much like boys, but I like the idea of being a girl.
@kalcifer,
I read your letter with great interest. I have learned that these kinds of wonderings can last a lifetime. As we go through different stages of life we react differently. What we might shy away from at 20, we might regret not having explored more when we're 40 or 60. We see ourselves differently at different ages. You can't know it all at 19! My advice would be to not obsess about rigid definitions, not to close doors you might later wish you had entered, and don't judge yourself with standards that don't make sense to you. Best of all, having reached out here, don't be afraid to keep the conversation going. Some things take more than a single go-around to reach calm.
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