Should I stay with my husband or leave?

Sat 8 Aug, 2020 11:12 am
I've been with my husband 15years, since I was 18 straight out of high school. I moved out three years ago because something didn't feel right, I was never in love with him. Three months later I fell madly in love with someone and we began a relationship. 10 months into that I found out he was living with his son's mom and I know it was more than he lead on. They were in a relationship and I was the side chick. We were both heartbroken when I had to end it but I'd be an idiot to stay. I tried dating after that but he damaged me. However, my husband was always still there for me waiting for me to come home even three years later. He truly loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. He's a good honest man and I could count on him till I'm old and gray. We've been trying to work things out discussing moving back in with each other and having more kids. I'm comfortable with him and we have so much history. But that one thing is still missing, I love him but I'm not IN love with him. That in love feeling is so intense and to love someone with your whole self is unexplainable and I never had that with my husband. So do I give up being in love for someone whose always been there or keep searching for someone new with hopes of finding true love?
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Sat 8 Aug, 2020 11:44 am
These situations are always difficult for all involved. Myself I have been married twice, once young and then again around age 30 yr old. My first marriage lasted 4 yrs, whilst my ongoing marriage now, is 30yrs so far. My wife was previously married young and divorced at 5 years. We have two adult children who are both now doctors, as is my wife.

When people get married young, then the unknown can be seen as 'exciting' .... Whereas in truth it may be exciting or simply awful; because all it is, is unknown. This is what happened to my first wife, she felt she was 'missing out' after three years she realised she wasn't but I would not take her back. Myself I am not emotional and she had broken my trust. In truth the greatest thing she ever did for me was leave .... It opened my eyes to work possibilities I was missing and of course eventually led me to my amazing wife whom I both love and am in love with, as she is with myself.

Whilst you have your own lives, both you and your husband both have a responsibility to your children until they are 18yr old ... After that they are adults (hopefully you have brought them to be adults) and your life is more your own.

Considering your present situation I personally cannot imagine more children is a good or even passable idea, indeed I would advise against it entirely - New children never remedied an old relationship.

In truth you are looking for an answer that is unknown ... if you leave and get divorced will you find love. My personal experience was "Yes" but I know just how rare my wife and I are. We are both unemotional pragmatic people, we had baggage but dealt with it all together, from day one we have done everything as a single unit, not two people in a relationship.

It seems that most people leave, meet a whole load of other people searching for a new life and at best end up with mostly what they had before .... You have to understand that wherever you go and whatever you do, you take yourself with you, you have not changed. In my view you are still thinking like an 18yr old and that is understandable but maybe not helpful.

Whatever you do - no more children. Not unless you are 100% happy and settled with someone, your present husband or someone else.

After that .. only you can roll the dice. Good fortune to you

PS ... Do be aware in any relationship if they will cheat to be with you, they will almost certainly cheat on you. Shocked
Sat 8 Aug, 2020 05:46 pm
Thank you for your insightful reply. What ever happened with your first wife after you wouldn't take her back? And did you have kids with her or only with your current wife?
Sat 8 Aug, 2020 06:19 pm
Normally people don’t keep in touch with people they divorced 30 plus years ago.

I had a brief, less than 2 year marriage at least that long ago.
How would I know what happened to that person?
It was another life.
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Wed 18 Nov, 2020 07:18 pm
Hi, Although many people get married for all kinds of reasons other than love, I think because you are still young, you shouldn't be one of those people and settle. I was one of those people. I was a single hard working parent for 11 years and didn't think anyone would marry me because I had a child. I did get marriage proposals but from men who wanted to live off of me. I thought that there was no way a decent working man would be seriously interested in me until I met my husband who was not my type but a very nice, decent, military career guy. He didn't make my heart skip a beat, but I liked him enough - I settled. We have been married and miserable for over 20 years now - Since I left my great job, nice apartment, friends and family to follow his career, I couldn't go back; I lost it all. We live like roommates. I haven't been in love for over 20 years - I don't even know what that feels like anymore. I often wonder how my life would have turned out had I not settled. Maybe I would have had a nice career and met someone that was right for me, someone that made me feel alive. I am at a mature age now and will never experience that type of love again. I'm not saying that this will happen to you if you settle, but since you are still young, give yourself a chance to meet someone that your heart will melt for; you still have time.
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Mon 30 Nov, 2020 05:26 pm
I'm not a psychologist so my opinion is just a personal biased opinion from a guy. I think you've wasted your husband's time if he's not aware of this(not being in love with him, whatever that is...). I think you are probably vain and hoping to get a 10 when you are probably a 5. Obviously he's more grounded financially and morally. I think you want to go back in time and be what you never was. If he takes you back(I wouldn't) I'm willing to bet things will be different. It's been 3 years, you don't have "better" options, but you thought you did.
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