I want to change

But why do you want to prove a point to everyone? If you want to change, then change for yourself. Why do you feel so weak? What is it that you feel you don't have? You will only be able to see how much people respect you, when you learn to respect yourself. I know this is hard but do try and look at the good points in your life, and put aside the bad points. You can't go on like this. Have you ever tried voluntary work? That really helped me.

If my own wife doesn't care for me how will others do. I am not supposed to be a guy I mentioned earlier. I am supposed to be a master myself.
I always have problems with relationships.
The only people who respect me and my feelings are my parents.
I need to show my wife that I am of a different class.
She should feel the Ram factor in the things she does.

Ram.

See, you do matter.

We all have problems right? We just deal with them in different ways. You shouldn't need to show your wife you are of a different class. She should respect you for who you are. Why did she marry you otherwise?

Mindsay,

Look why I want to change.
I have a problem with my wife which I have not told my wife.
Ours is an arranged mariage and I asked for 8 months time after our marriage was settled. To understand the girl I was going to marry we started to chat on the net and mail each other.
At that point of time I observed that she has lot of love inside her and loved and missed me a lot and was a romantic lover.
Now we are married and living together. But she seems to have changed to what she was before. She doesn't show much interest in sex and she says she is not romantic. But I am very attached to her and disappointed to see her change like this based on what she was before. I can get to the other extreme of being indifferent to her by spending all my time in the office. But thats not good for our future. May be I am not the guy for her.

So I need to change to show her what it is to change.

Ram

Okay I see where you are coming from.

You know I am terrible at advise but I am going to try.

Allow her to open up a little more. You are at your office? Call her, ask her how she is? Don't loose hope. Little things matter. You need to talk to her, communication is the key. You need patience.

In her emails she sounded like the person you wanted to marry. May be she still is, May be she feels very uncomfortable and not able to express herself as much.

I took her to a different country on a project work. I did all the things I can for her. I do call her once in a while.
But why on earth she should change. It would been such a happy life for both of us. Because of her change in attitude I have become critical about myself. All I tell her is that I miss my Dog a lot which lived with me for 12 yrs and died in the month of may back home.
Does she think that I don't care for her?
When I ask her she says she is happy and has no problem with me.
It came as a surprise to me when she changed.

Ram.

Seems like a really tricky situation. I think you should see a marriage counsellor. There is nothing wrong with talking to a professional at all. It's either you who needs the support or her.. actually both of you.

Mindsay,

"If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself."
I am going to change and that will surprise her.
Then if she wants to protect the marriage she will have to come to me. If she doesn't want to do that I am game for it.
I can stay single myself.
Will let you know what happens in the end.
But this is just the begining.

hi sriram..

I feel ( and just my opinion) you are not having an objective attitude towards your problem. You are talking more from the heart of a kid who has been hurt. In my opinion, if you talk this way, your marriage is headed towards a failure. Please don't be offended.. this is just my opinion.

Why I am saying this? Well let's see. So far, you have said, your wife is not interested in your company, she has changed, she does not respect you. For all of these allegations against her, you have not given an example of her behaviour like what happened, an incident may be or a conversation clip.

You say you are in a foreign country. Would that be the US or some place else. Where do you originally belong to?Please consider this as well.. your wife(don't know if she is working in the foreign country) she is sitting all day at home with only foreigners around. Could that be a possibility. May be more outings may cheer her up. Having her own friends circle may cheer her up. If she is depressed get her treated or councelled. You saying that you would change and make her run to you to save the marriage is utter childish. For marriage you need an adult heart.

Troubled relationships you mention, were that romantic relationship or just friendship. If they were friendship relation then your marriage and these relationships fall in different buckets. Don't link them. There are plenty of communication workshops that you can enrol into. I am sure that will help.

Best wishes for your marriage.

Hi,

I am a person with lot of love inside my heart and if I love someone I give it a 100%. I expect a slightly more romantic attitude from her especially when I am completely stressed out from office.

Ram

I am not in your situation so I can't see the whole picture. But from what I am reading, you don't seem to have much communication going on between the two of you. I am only saying what I feel here. Why don't you be her friend first before jumping into conclusions that she doesn't like you anymore. She needs your support but you expect her to have 'a slightly more romantic attitude'. May be you are rushing things and making her feel uncomfortable.

Hi Minsay,

Yeah I will give her some time. Let me see how things go in the next 1 month. Slowly I will try to change as well. I am not thinking negative about her but not able to take her change.
Its obvious that I love her , but all I am scared is that if she continues to do this I might start hating her.