Single Girl wants to get over Married Man

Hi jadeblossom,

First, congrats on having made that decision already and just looking for ways to hold yourself to it.

The short version is to get yourself busy -- work, hobbies, friends, exercise, new classes, books, etc., etc. -- and give yourself time to get over it. Not sure how common this has been in your life, but the thing about going straight from one man to another makes me think that you could maybe use some time to yourself, not in a sexual relationship. (I started to say "not in a relationship", but I don't mean monastic seclusion, and everyone has lots of relationships; friends, family, etc.)

Good luck!

I have to say that I am glad you have decided to end this. It isn't right and will cause you and others nothing but pain.

Soz is right. Occupy yourself. Don't sit around and mope. If you must mope (sometimes we can't help it), at least make yourself leave the house.

And good luck. You've made a wise (albeit tough) decision.

The 2nd day of my resolution
It's really not easy. I feel so depressed. I feel like I've lost my dad all over again. He was like a dad to me. I know I shouldn't mope. It's just so hard to pick myself up again. I feel so empty.

Incidentally, I'm 26 and he's 31. He's been married 4 years and has a kid.
I have been the other woman for 6 months. I don't want to be the other woman anymore. I just yearn for someone to love me openly, care for me openly, be able to marry me when the time is right.

I've stopped kidding myself into believing that it could be him, even though he's said things like he envisions the both of us having a home together and settling down to a new beginning. I realise now that all that was pure crap. And I was a fool to believe it.

But I feel so empty.

I'm sorry you gotta go through the pain.

My advise to you: Sleep with as many men as you can.

Just kidding.

Good job for realizing that. He's proven himself the type of person who will cheat on a spouse, so what would stop him from cheating on you?

Anyway, I don't know what support we can offer, other than a listening ear. Come around and tell us how things are going as often as you want.

And remember, sitting around trying not to think about him is the worst way of thinking about him. Get what I mean? In other words, if you don't want to think about him (and you don't), you need to get yourself thinking about something else. Get involved. Excersize, get a hobby... anything to focus on something else for a while.

Good luck.

Actually a lot of people have told me that. Not the sleeping around, haha, but that if he could cheat on his wife, he could cheat on me too. Well.... is it true? Once a cheater always a cheater? What if he didn't intend to cheat in the first place?

In my case, we had been good friends for a long time. I knew he was married, he knew I had a boyfriend. There was a clear line drawn between us for 2 years. Then after 2 years, I guess we had a strong base for our friendship and there was a void in both of us that only each other could fill. It was a subconscious thing. We didn't willfully go out to seek it. It's just like, for example, if you see an old friend hurting and you know you can offer some comfort and a listening ear as a friend, and if you yourself are hurting, and he offers you comfort. After awhile, you both depend on each other and that's where the feelings grow. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify my actions because I knew it was wrong, and I wanted to stop it everyday for 6 months but it was very hard. We both clung to each other because only each other could fill the other's void.

But the fact that he fills an emotional void in me doesn't justify an affair at all. SCoates, thanks for the support and listening ear. I will try to not sit around trying not to think about him. Just need to think of what hobby to pick up. Hmm, any suggestions?

Dear Jadeblossom,

I am hearing myself in your words... I came to this board for the EXACT same reason - looking for some help to get over a married man.

I posted my story on one of the "having an affair with a married man" threads (I do not want to take up bandwidth here again, but you can find it by clicking on the link that shows all of my posts, if you are interested). I am not having an affair, I don't think you could call it an affair - it was only one night (in March) after 10 years of friendship (albeit, some of those years were very passive - not much contact between us).

I miss him, I want him, I search for him everywhere... it is harder than I could have imagined... but keeping yourself busy is a very good idea. Noddy also gave me some good advice about shaping my own perceptions of the whole thing (just making it a sweet memory that I can return to, but not try to repeat, etc.).

I find that the more I talk about him and the more often I speak of how I feel about him - the more it hurts. So, in the beginning of this message I was tempted to write about why and how I fell for him, but had to pull myself back and be more rational - and it really helps.

Also, the whole "sleeping with other men" idea should not be dismissed entirely. I do not suggest that you run around and sleep with every upright animal who has 5 appendages, but I have found that relieving some of your physical needs and fulfilling some desires is very helpful too.

If I figure out anything else that helps, I will definitely post here...

Good luck to both of us!

Dear Vixen,

Likewise, I hear myself in your words too. I search for him everywhere, in every guy that I meet now, I use him as a yardstick and everyone else falls short. Hopefully this is just temporary! Otherwise I would never be in a relationship anymore!

I hope we'll both be able to get over this and remember it as a sweet memory, a great learning experience and nothing more. Secretly I still harbour the hope that one day we could be together but now I realise that it's a foolish thing to want. Like you, I am learning to be more rational now, but it's very tough because I see him everyday. I can see him as I type now. It's a mental challenge to wake up everyday and steel myself to keep my feelings in check.

Good luck!! I wish for you and myself happy and blissful days ahead knowing that we've come out of tough situations and grown stronger!

i know how you feel
I too was in a relationship with a married man as well. It's so hard to let go of someone you cared about so much. I can only wish you well....and hope that it will be easy for you to forget about him. I am trying to do the same

Jadeblossom--

You're an old-fashioned girl dreaming about Prince Charming who is going to appear with a glass slipper (which will fit your foot). Then the two of you will ride off into the sunset together.

Twenty-six years old, or not, you are a child of your times. You want to solve your problems with a man.

If you want Prince Charming, better start re-making yourself as a Complete, Fascinating and Independent Woman. Prince Charming isn't going to be looking for just anyone who wears a 7 /1/2 (or whatever) shoe size. He's going to want someone who shares his interests and passions.

Start developing some interests and passions and you just might find Prince Charming at the political rally or backstage at the little theater or on the soccer stands or....

Congratulations for ditching the Married Man. That wasn't easy.

Soz has some good advice.

Good luck.