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Am I being unreasonable or do I just not understand?

 
 
nettle
 
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2020 01:36 am
So I've started dating recently. I'm 19 so I've "dated" in the past but this is the first time I'm actually trying to date...and i am stumped. Through this time I've talked to several guys from dating apps for weeks at a time just getting to know each other. Well...sorta getting to know eachother. I feel like NONE of the guys I have talked to have shown a genuine interest in me and my life. Dont get me wrong they've [mostly] all been very sweet and some have shown, what I consider, geniune interest in being in a committed relationship but ive not wanted to take it to the next step because well...it feels like they know nothing about me. I dont have the best social skills so one of my go to things to do is ask questions. And I find that I enjoy asking people questions about themselves and learning their life cause there's soooo much to know and people always seem to light up when they get to talk about the people in their lives, their pets, or the things they love. But 90% of the time, after the conversations or the hang outs have ended and im back home thinking it over, it feels so very one sided. Like I come home feeling like I just gained a little insight into their life and yet I'm probably still a mystery to them. Is it too much to want a guy to express interest in you and your life early on in dating? I've brought it up once to one guy I had been talking to for a few months because it still felt like he didn't know that much about me, and he responded well. He was kind about it and showed a little interest.....that night then it was back to the usual. I suppose I dont NEED to be asked questions in order to share the intimacies of my life but I struggle with talking about myself unless someone kinda asks for it, that's why I always ask about them cause I find that so much easier and I think it makes them feel nice that I'm interested in them? Besides the lack of interest early on...I've also noticed that later on the simple things that make me feel like they care (like asking how your day is) just dont happen at all. I feel like quitting already. I don't know..I've just come to this realization that I keep feeling the same thing over and over and not sure if its me, the guys im talking to, or both. I know in the past (I was probably 16 or 17) I talked to this guy and he was like amazing and so fun to talk to..and best of all he ALWAYS asked about my day and family life and just everything about me. And that was only ever online. I've just never talked to any guy since then who has wanted to know as much about me as I do about them. Maybe I need to lower the bar and he was just one-of-a-kind cause it seems like most guys I've talk to cant even ask me how my day is or how work was so.....do you find that a lot of men don't ask about you much and you have to lay it out for them? Should I be more open about myself? I'm scared i'll be disappointed if they don't care.
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Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2020 05:02 am
@nettle,
Sounds like a common scenario when dating at any age. Nothing wrong with your perception.

FWIW, do not lower the bar even a fraction of a millimeter.
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Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2020 07:57 am
@nettle,
Some people are not as good about asking questions or feeling comfortable about asking questions. Think of interviewers – some are just naturally good about making others comfortable and asking the right questions that make it easy for them to open up – like an Oprah. You seem to have this skill. Others feel uncomfortable about asking probing questions or when they ask it comes out sounding awkward to them. It might be that they want to know, but do not know how to ask without it sounding too personal, crossing line.

This is an example of what I am referencing

Quote:
I've brought it up once to one guy I had been talking to for a few months because it still felt like he didn't know that much about me, and he responded well.


Sounds like he does not how to go about finding about you – not that he doesn’t want to know you better.

You could help them. Switch it the other way – thank them and say wow you really filled me in about the type of person you are. Is there something you would like to know about me? If there is too long of a silence prompt them a bit more – think of something you would think is important for them to know about you – maybe something like what sorts of things I do on vacation, on the weekend, my family --- It might not be that they are not interested – they just do not have the skills to interview in this way. I think a lot of doing this stuff over the internet does cause some social angst and decreases many people’s skills in the social areas so if you are good with these skills no reason to try to help them along.

Question – have you met any of these guys in person? They could be a completely different in person. Talking in person is completely different than via the internet. I agree with not lowering your standards, but maybe you help prompt a few of these socially awkward men. Maybe that is all it is – they could be great guys in all other ways. One thing (which you probably already know – but being a mom I need to say) – if you meet these guys, do so in a public place; some of them are out just to hook up – so if you do get one that is suddenly interested in finding out about your personal stuff and seem very smooth, I’d also be careful. Doesn’t mean that they aren’t interested, but it could mean they know how to get a girl interested in them.
nettle
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jul, 2020 01:46 pm
@Linkat,
Thanks mom! :p I have met some a couple in person, but I haven't tried prompting them so I will definitely keep that in mind. Yeah, I can tell I've talked to some genuinely nice guys, but oof it is exhausting when it feels one-sided. Next time someone nice comes around I'll try to make them feel more comfortable if I think it might just be awkwardness or nervousness. Thanks for taking the time to respond to me <3
MichaelL89
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 2 Jul, 2020 01:11 am
@nettle,
In fact, people are different, communication and relationships as well. And you should not be guided by the example of others, you yourself need to try everything yourself, even if you make a mistake, this will be a lesson. In any case, sooner or later everything will get better.
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Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Sun 12 Jul, 2020 04:04 pm
Ok I have to tell you - my daughter started using a couple of dating apps.

She said that some of the guys she "talked" with just gave these one word answers - like "good". She said any of those she said deleted off.
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