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I'm in a predicament

 
 
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 01:59 pm
My situation is a little different and I am ashamed of myself. I'm technically in a relationship but there's no affection, i don't feel like I'm loved. I feel like I live with a roommate. 6 months ago a friend that I had a crush on in high school got a hold of me on social media and we exchanged phone numbers and started talking every day. I started seeing him a couple of times a month and I fell in love with him. He made me feel alive again. When I go to see him he treats me so good but sometimes he makes little comments that hurt me about me being in a relationship. I told him from the beginning that I would leave my partner to be with him but he acts like he wants nothing to do with it. He doesn't have a girlfriend and I don't understand why he doesn't want a relationship. He always tells me that I'm too good for him and that I intimidate him. The man that I'm in a relationship with right now is self-employed and makes good money. The guy that I'm seeing is 36 and works at a gas station a few times a week and doesn't have a car and still lives with his dad. I am in no way a materialistic person so I don't care about his lifestyle. I just want to be with him. I'm in love with him. I ask him if it's because I'm not pretty enough for him and he says that it's the exact opposite, that he's not good looking enough for me and that he can't provide for me like the person I'm in a relationship now. I don't have a job and he lets me live here without paying bills and he buys all the food. He does take care of me but I don't care about materialistic things. The guy I'm seeing constantly says that he can't provide for me as he does. And what bothers me the most is that every time I come back to this house he treats me like crap. it's like he's a totally different person than when I'm at his house. He calls me names and tells me to stay up here with my "daddy" and never wants to see me again. He blames me for all these ridiculous things that aren't true, such as he knows I'm not the only one that I'm having sex with and many other vulgar things. But then a week later he texts and calls me being nice as could be asking me to come to see him. I'm so confused and I CAN NOT give him up. I'm lost and it hurts.
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 228 • Replies: 8
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 02:55 pm
@erinagray,
This smells an awful lot like the other man is abusive.

What the hell are you doing with him?

Someone who calls you names can possibly graduate to hitting you. This is not a good situation.

As for the man you live with, why are you staying if you're unhappy? Break up with him and move out. I bet he'll be as relieved as you will. And do so for your own purposes and on your own terms, not because of gas station guy.

Can't afford your own place? Then check the local paper or Craigslist and get a roommate situation going on. Save your pennies and strive for independence.

Also, I am not a doctor, but your self-esteem is in the sewer if you think gas station guy who calls you names is anyone but someone to walk away from. Please go to counseling and get some tools to shore up yourself self-esteem and recognize that you don't need to be verbally abused in order to feel like anything is happening.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 02:56 pm
@jespah,
Oh, and I just re-read and realized you don't have a job.

There is nothing stopping you from getting one.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 03:46 pm
@erinagray,
Of course you can give him up and you should. You have not mentioned one redeeming quality this gas station guy has ... not one. He is playing hurtful and harmful games with you. Stay away from him.

Work on gaining your own independence and that will help your self esteem. Stop taking advantage of the guy you are living with. You don’t care for him ... it is a bit cruel what you are doing to him.

Do you have any friends or family you can stay with until you get a job and are able to be independent ? What did you do before you freeloaded with this other guy? Yep because that is what you are doing to him as your heart is not with him.

You need to take care of you first ... forget the guys... get your own life in order and then you will be able to handle a real caring and loving relationship.
erinagray
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 04:06 pm
@jespah,
I actually have GAD and Severe depressive disorder, so it's hard for me to get a job, let alone hold one down. Ive tried a million times.
And he's already beat me but I still can't leave. I'm just so fucked up in the head. And the reason I stay with my partner is that I have nowhere else to go. I know that sounds selfish but I feel like I'm a piece of ****. Especially after the way that I get treated by my other guy. But its not always bad. It's more good than bad. And I understand why he's doing this, it's because I'm still in a relationship and I feel like he's jealous and I deserve some of the **** that he does because I would feel the same way.
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erinagray
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 05:10 pm
@Linkat,
I tried telling the man I was in a relationship with that it wasn't going to work out from the very beginning. I told him this a million times but he wouldn't have it. So I decided to give it a try. I am socially awkward and have mental issues that cause me to be very misunderstood and I end up sabotaging every friendship that I've had since high school. I know it's not right staying with him but I seriously have nowhere else to go besides living in my car. I've talked to him about leaving and sleeping in my car but he's too nice of a person to not let me do it. I feel guilty af and feel like the scum of the earth but I just can't give this other guy up and I don't know why.
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 06:08 pm
@erinagray,
I can certainly understand and sympathize with someone suffering mental issues . ..my daughter has been struggling with anxiety. She talks about ruining friendships as a result too.

Do you have any family that could help you? Or some friends?

Have you looked into any social services for some help? You really should get some counseling help. You can get better. There are many free services for those who cannot afford it. I think that is your first step to get some counseling.

jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 06:46 pm
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

I can certainly understand and sympathize with someone suffering mental issues . ..my daughter has been struggling with anxiety. She talks about ruining friendships as a result too.

Do you have any family that could help you? Or some friends?

Have you looked into any social services for some help? You really should get some counseling help. You can get better. There are many free services for those who cannot afford it. I think that is your first step to get some counseling.
This^

Your roomie at least sounds like a decent sort. Can you talk with him about getting yourself into treatment? If he truly is caring, then he will find a way to help you or at least will make an effort.

Gas station guy is toxic, and you know it. One of these days, he will permanently injure you. You don't deserve that, and you don't deserve what is happening now. You're not his punching bag.

Do you have family? Someone else - a friend, someone you went to school with, anyone? Get someone to hang with who doesn't smack you around or try to get into your pants. Get some pleasant times under your belt with someone who doesn't want anything from you. It wouldn't cure a damned thing, but taking positive steps in your life is never going to be a bad thing.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Jun, 2020 08:45 pm
@jespah,
Also, don't just say "I don't know why I can't walk away"

You don't have to say here, but come on, you know.
Don't be the ostrich with it's head in the sand.

You are allowed to say to yourself, outloud when you're alone if you want, what it is that makes you keep coming back.

Acknowledging to yourself the reason(s) is a step toward "Is that worth it?"

It's not.

Hey. Ever wonder why a man in his 30's works a couple days a week. at a gas station, and smacks women around?

https://as2.ftcdn.net/jpg/00/64/61/39/500_F_64613964_37umtMazMtfXnmTDkPvUCy59g6APNRJH.jpg
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