I Don't love my wife anymore and thinking about a divorce

Reply Mon 22 Jun, 2020 07:38 pm
I’m in my late 30s and been married for almost 7 years. I started feeling I don’t love her anymore and don’t want to be with her almost a year ago, but our marriage problems have been shaping for a long time before that. She is the type of person who likes to relax most of the time at home and take things slowly, I am the type of person who’s always trying to plan for things, find new businesses to start, staying active, try new things. She is the opposite, risk-averse, doesn’t mind sleeping in staying home and watch TV all day. I know I take life too seriously sometimes and don’t allow myself to enjoy the present and I’m not arguing here one way is better than the other; it’s just that we have different perspectives in life.
We both made mistakes during the years. She left most of our household responsibilities to me. She works on and off, but I am responsible for all of our household expenses including her student loan, car payment, etc. She did other things that hurt me and were selfish; I wasn’t good at showing my emotions and trying to have a true emotional connection. I also never confronted her when something bothered me until it got to a point that I felt I couldn’t take it anymore and I don’t have feelings for her.
We’ve been talking about our issues recently and after lots of arguments and struggles I can see she is trying to change, but what she is trying to do doesn’t seem enough to me anymore and I don’t want to be in this marriage. She is a good person and I think she did all these things during the years without realizing she is hurting me and was my fault to run away from confronting her, but now I’m here and seriously considering a divorce. I’m scared of making this decision and don’t want to hurt her and I know I will be hurting her anyways by staying in a loveless marriage.
We don't have children and are about the same age
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Reply Mon 22 Jun, 2020 07:59 pm
Have you considered marriage counseling?
Reply Mon 22 Jun, 2020 11:42 pm
I tried individual counseling. It helped me figure out somethings like why I stay away from confrontations. Suggested MC to my wife, she is not comfortable with it.
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2020 01:31 am
You should go back to individual counseling....if you are unhappy (and sounds like you have reason to be unhappy) help yourself first. Life is too short to stay unhappy. Hopefully you can convince your wife to agree to join you....she might not want to go right away, but she really should recognize that you're unhappy. Perhaps she's depressed. If she is, it might be the reason she is so detached from a normal life style....I wish you good luck.
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2020 05:50 am
This ^

And, I might add, start her on the road to financial literacy. Not dumping her student loan on her and saying, "Here, pay this."

No. Rather, approach it as a teachable moment. "I would love to teach you how to pay our bills. It's easy online and a lot of it is automated. But if I get Covid, you're going to need to know how to do this."

And then teach her how.

Whether you stay together or not, household financial management is a vital life skill.
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Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2020 03:00 pm
kevinsh wrote:

I tried individual counseling. It helped me figure out somethings like why I stay away from confrontations. Suggested MC to my wife, she is not comfortable with it.

I am divorced. For me, getting a divorce was a great decision.

When we started having problems, I asked my wife to go to marriage counseling. She refused. I would have worked on the marriage and taken marriage counseling seriously had my wife been willing to try it. I don't know if it would have changed the final outcome.

When my wife refused to take the marriage seriously, it was an easy decision for me to leave.

I have never regretted my decision to get a divorce.
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Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2020 12:32 pm
Understand yourself first. Is a failed marriage the reason you don’t feel happy.
If yes, then you should do smth with that. Time goes by, and we must do everything in order to feel at ease
why are you afraid to injure someone if you are suffering now
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david lyga
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2020 04:57 pm
What struck me first and foremost is this: None of this chasm manifested during courtship? Or was the courtship merely 'sex'?

I am a 70 year old queer so problems like this don't impinge upon me with deadly accuracy. Go somewhere without any distractions whatsoever. Talk sensibly and thoroughly, Be kind, Be honest. Demand the same from her. See if there is a lingering spark which can be cultivated. If not, make mutually prudent decisions. It is a powerful decision which stands a chance of being regretted. But a decision, pro or con, must be duly made by both. - David Lyga
Reply Sat 27 Jun, 2020 12:08 pm
@david lyga,
There were issues that bothered me during the years. I am the type that is not comfortable with confronting people and expressing my negative emotions about something, she is the type that gets aggressive and hurt when confronted or criticized. You can see how she didn't see the problems and I just kept everything inside until I couldn't take it anymore. During the past 1 year that I finally started talking about my issues, we have had many arguments and struggles, some progress but mostly she doesn't admit fault and just going along with what I say because she knows we are on the brink of separation and she doesn't want that. The truth is when I look at it now, I don't know if I don't love her anymore or am I just hurt and, I don't see any benefits in it for me. I don't see if I'm gaining anything, We rarely have sex, we can't find common interests to talk about or do things together (partly my fault because I distanced myself from her) I hate myself for thinking this way and feel selfish but sometimes I think I am staying just because she relies on me and I don't want to hurt her.
david lyga
Reply Sat 27 Jun, 2020 12:19 pm

Life is made up of conflict, lack of understanding, and confusion. To not know in which direction to go adds to this confusion. You are presented a case and we are not able to get directly involved, but we can re-state what life's reconciliations are, in most general ways.

Confronting problems does not mean that war must be declared. NOT confronting problems leaves open the possibility of a warlike future. You can not afford to negate that inherent conflict. You are very different from her. Maybe she does not even care about that dichotomy.

My suggestion to you is to have a LONG quiet talk whereby both of you are in a very relaxed, uninterrupted setting with no possibility of intrusion. You cannot afford to continue to avoid this build up to a mutual understanding. Open up to all possibilities, including the possibility that you will separate and what the monetary division will be. No kids are involved so that burden is lifted. But you must come to a mutual conclusion as to whether the relation will continue, or, whether a separation for a specific amount of time is best to hold onto hope. - David Lyga
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