Reply Wed 10 Jun, 2020 05:39 pm
I am a female bisexual and I have been with girls and guys. I have never "dated" a girl and it is harder for me to navigate my feelings for girls in general.

I have a friend that I am starting to develop feelings for. I have known her for about four years. I haven't developed a crush for a seemingly straight girl yet because I know the heartache that comes from that. However, despite all the warnings here I am. I can't help it she's great and I really really want to date her.
She identifies as straight but every time we drink we make out among other things. This has happened multiple times. Anytime it's happened it has been her coming onto me. This is a reoccuring thing and doesn't come from nowhere. Based on my conversations with her about her sexuality I think she would sleep with me but not date me. I don't think this is healthy for me at this point in my life but I really like her and if I am drunk who knows what will happen. I have gotten to the point of flirting with her but I don't think she picks up on it (again I am horrible with girls in general.)

So here I am. Should I just let her figure out her sexuality on her own? Should I just get from her what I can even if it will hurt in the long run? What if I pursue her and it all works out in the end? Should I just tell her how I feel even if she could push me away and be grossed out?

I don't have any experience with this situations so I would appreciate some help.
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Reply Wed 10 Jun, 2020 06:35 pm
I am not a lesbian and I am not a doctor.

However, I have dated people.

She's giving you incredibly mixed signals. And you're in a situation fueled by alcohol. She gets to blame the spirits. And for you, it confuses you.

Getting smashed is not a great way to navigate any sorts of relationships. Think of it a little like driving; it is safer all around for you to have your wits about you.

What is so different about girls versus guys when it comes to dating for you? Yes, I realize they are different people, etc. But when you are interested in a guy, is it just sex, or do you date and stuff? Either way, it doesn't have to be too radically different with girls.

As for this girl in particular, I fear she may break your heart. Again, she can blame being drunk (even if she liked everything that was happening) and then the person who gets hurt is you.

So -- why not ask her out?

Hear me out on this on, okay?

You're getting mixed signals. So clear them up, when you are both sober.

Say, "Jenny (or whatever her real name is), do you want to get coffee (or a soda or any other nonalcoholic beverage you prefer)?"

Never mind if you've done this a million times before. The past is prologue. Go, have a lovely time, and pay (the person who does the inviting pays). Then at the end, tell her you had a good time and say something like, "This was great. Let's make the next time a real date. Are you free Saturday night?"

And see what happens. If she claims that she really doesn't mean it and only likes you as a friend, then you get to have a talk with her about her mixed signaling, and how it's not easy for her to smooch you when the drinks come out and then stop once everyone's sobered up.

A great person will be sensitive to what's going on and maybe didn't realize the effects of their behavior but now they know. Yeah, sometimes people really are that clueless.

And if she's unsure about her sexuality or how she feels about you, then you've given her a way to get out of things gracefully. But still make a point about the mixed signals. You have a voice in all of this and should use it. If she is being unfair, then she needs to know that.

BTW, if she says all this and the smoochy face continues, you might want to take that as your cue to get up and call an Uber for each of you and end the evening right there. Protect your own heart.

And of course if she says yes, that she'd love for the next time to be a real date, then have a blast and don't forget to name your first kid after me. Wink
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