Sat 23 May, 2020 07:51 am
am writing this letter to an understanding community as share a personal state that has influenced my life for the last 35 years.
I have been married for 30 years, generally a good marriage but as anyone who is married a long time knows is has its up and downs but ultimately it is all about accepting and loving your life partner for the person they are.
My story goes to before I got married but when I started dating my wife, Helen. I meet my wife when I was 22, she worked in another city so for our dating years we meet at weekend and holidays spending maximum time together.
A few months after we started dating I was acquainted with another woman, Susan, she was part of my extended social circle. With in a few weeks it was clear to me that she was seeking every opportunity to be in my company. I found this flattering and did not discourage her. If we met in a bar we would spend hours chatting and I would drive her home ( she lived with her parents) and on a few occasion we did kiss and cuddle. Back then sex was not on the menu outside of marriage.
Susan stated often how much she loved me and began writing me letters, joining classes I was signed up for and ringing we regularly.
In many ways I was living two lives, dating a woman I would marry and flirting with another infatuated woman during the week. Susan was asking me to start dating her properly and I know that I loved Helen and Susan was a good company that I let run out of control
I make it clear to Susan that it was over, got engaged to Helen and moved on. Susan still rang, /I did not answer, she wrote often and I burnt her letters and finally on the day of my marriage she wrote saying I was the love of her life and she was setting me free. That 30 years ago , since then I bumped into her once in a bar and chatted for about 30 minutes, that was 1994. Since then I have only seen her once on the street as we both passed with our respective children and did not acknowledge each other.
I have had 30 years of a good marriage , no infidelity or other major crisis . Basically, two good people living a life together that we created over the years. It would be hard to ask for an improvement, close to a text book perfect marriage .
So my why do I still remember Susan, why does her memory loom so large in my thinking. I keep a diary and looking back about every 3 years I get stuck in a “what if “ loop of thought for weeks. That said , Susan is never far form my daily thoughts , often wondering does she feel the same.
I feel Susan represent youth excitement and unconditional love. A utopian scenario and can only be glimpsed once in young love. I also feel that I never closed with her.
Any advise on how I finally remove this thought pattern as I know its is a cul-de-sac of energy, energy which is better focused on my marriage and my life today
She's nostalgia, which is an extremely powerful drug. She represents when you were younger, you had other choices, and of course her pursuing you was flattering.
Just keep in mind, you never chose her. And all of the things that made you choose your wife over her are magnified, in you, her, and your wife as the years have gone by.
You've got a nostalgic fantasy and there is nothing at all wrong with that.
Today I wrote the following in my diary :-
• Susan represents choice , especially choices made .
• Susan represents all thar is missing , I have created a utopian image where everything is perfect .
• If I had the choice over I would break it off with Susan again .
Yes it is a bad case of nostalgia, I must let it run its course .
Thank you for your kind words
Great - hope it continues to work out for you
It’s a lot of fantasy, too. You know, things appear better now than they really were.
You broke away for a reason, remember why.
Beginning to move on , thanks
Yes, I did . I think this train of memory has more to do with what is missing in my life today rather than regret over a good decision made over 30 years ago
Oh! Good call!
In all likelihood, what is missing now was also missing with Susan. It’s just easier to see when you’ve been with it for awhile. That’s how it worked out for me anyway.
Leadfoot , you are correct . It looks starts and ends with yourself and how you see and react to things in life . Very wise & insightful . Thank You 😊
So you don’t really have that “text book perfect marriage” you talked about?
Punkey, text book in that we pull together not apart , no issues with infidelity , finances etc. Definitely I feel the longer you are together the more you respect your partner for who they are, loving them as they are and allowing them to be themselves .