Sun 12 Apr, 2020 03:08 pm
I am new to this whole forum thing, but I'm so confused and I have no one to talk to about this. I've always thought of myself as straight, but after a relationship with a guy I don't think I am... I know I didn't love him like he loved me. So I thought maybe he was just not for me. But when I went out on other dates or talked to men, it absolutely freaks me out. The thought of having a naked man come near me, terrifies me! I hated being intimate with the guy I was with, but I think the same for any guy. I don't have respect for men. I find being intimate with them awful. I never share the same feelings they do. I don't ever seem to have an emotional connection with them. I find it almost impossible to trust men. I find that only men I've known for five years or more, I am able to trust and possibly think about being intimate with. But even so, the thought of penetration frightens me and oral sex on a man disgusts me. I want that happy couple life. Maybe I could be with a man, I do find some men hot, but I just don't know and certainly don't trust easily...
However, when I think about being with a woman, it excites me. I get butterflies in my stomach and it makes me feel happy. But then again I feel like who wouldn't like being with woman. I only really seem to like really femme woman, or those who have more femme features though. I would like to kiss them, and be intimate with them, but the thought of performing oral on them also disgusts me. Which makes me think that I can't be lesbian either. I trust women. And I find I can easily form an emotional connection with them, that makes me fall in love with them and want to be with them in every form of the word except oral. I don't want to be a pillow princess, I want to be able to give to them, but I think that means I can't possibly be lesbian.
I am literally petrified of being intimate with a man.
It scares me that I may be asexual. I don't want to be alone. I know that there are relationships out that can be based on other things that sex, but there are so few people out there. And I'm not saying that I don't enjoy sex. I've used vibrators and other things and I've loved them. I've masturbated to men, but the thought of a man doing that to me, either frightens me or means nothing to me! The thought of a woman doing that to me is appealing, but if I can't do that oral to them, than is there really a point at all.
Am I destined to be alone? I'm so confused. I don't know who I am or what I am. Has anyone else felt this way? Please let me know. Could really use some advice.
It is normal for someone to not have an interest in being with a man. But, you are expressing feelings that are much stronger than this when you say "disgust" and "impossible to trust" and "terrifies me". Is it possible you had a traumatic experience that explains these strong feelings?
You are saying clearly that you desire a romantic (sexual) relationship. You should be able to have one.
My advice is for you to work on the feelings and see if you can figure out what is making them so strong. It would be difficult for anyone to build a romantic relationship while dealing with this.
Have you tried talking to a therapist? A therapist will be able to help you work through these feelings. I would think the goal is to get you to a place where you are ready for a meaningful romantic relationship.