Faded and rejected by a long distance love interest. Did I do anything wrong?

Reply Sun 5 Apr, 2020 08:51 am
I’ve been living in my head thinking about what went wrong with this woman I’ve fallen for.

We first met back a couple of years ago, connected briefly, then went back to our respective countries which are on opposite sides of the world. We stayed in touch and met once again at the end of the year when I travelled to her country.

During the second half of last year we got in touch again, texting almost every day for a few months, with phone calls. While we still lived far away, I felt there was a connection between us and the conversations have always been… natural, raw and personal. As we grew closer, I picked up the courage to do things that I hoped would show how I felt, such as sending her a gift on her birthday, which she seemed to love. I’ve been honest about how I thought she was special – although I never said “I like you”.

Then, we met again late last year when I travelled to her place again. At this point, I started to really like her but was unsure of what would happen with the distance – and the fact that there’s no chance of us moving closer to each other in the next couple of years at least. We went out a few times and had the best time. I did what I thought would show how I felt – flowers, gifts with handwritten notes, picked up the tabs and planned the dates to her liking. By this point, it was clear that both of us really enjoyed each other’s company. She has always been receptive of my advances and said she had lovely time with me.

I was still hesitant to tell her outright I liked her, as I was still hoping there would come a day in which we’ll live in the same city together, and I’d stand a better chance then.

Anyway, after returning home, we still texted. I did a couple more things to keep keep the “sparks”, e.g. sending flowers to her, which she said she liked!

However, several weeks in, things turned different. After she came back from a trip to visit her parents, her schedules had turned busy with work and other commitments, and she started responding less. I didn’t have any reason to believe that she didn’t want to speak with me – everything was going well just before that. I didn’t hear back for a couple of weeks, couldn’t call her. Finally managed to hear back. She said she’d been hectic so wasn’t able to text anymore. I was surprised so decided to tell her outright how I felt. She then said she just wanted to be friends and that she doesn’t want me to waste my effort/time.

I’v been trying to figure if there was anything I had done wrong. Or is trying to build a a new relationship over the distance a lost cause from the beginning?
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Reply Sun 5 Apr, 2020 09:07 am
I doubt you did anything wrong.

And things are weird right now. Honestly, don't expect bubbly responses -- if you get responses at all. People are either at home and bored (and broke), or they're astoundingly busy. There aren't a lot of folks who are in between.

But here, let's address the elephant in the room.

I think this is a lousy 'relationship' and I will tell you why.

You are using it as a crutch to avoid meeting people in person. Forget how now looks (social distancing, etc.). This situation will not last forever. When it ends, get out and meet people! Talk to your fellow human beings. Having a long distance crush like this is a way of avoiding meeting humans in person and falling in love, and yes, risking rejection.

Rejection can happen. From this gal (probably; I doubt she feels the way about you that you do about her, sorry), from gals in your community, etc.

But the road to success runs right through failures. It runs through chances, a bit of anxiety, and wondering if you're making the right move.

Be brave. Be bold. Get out there when this is all over, and take some chances. Quit wasting your all-too short life pining for this woman who may or may not return your affections and certainly has shown no real sign that she does.

Meet someone who is close, and real, and you can touch and see just about any time you want to. You don't have to stop being friends with this woman. But dial back the emotions there, big time.

Find someone close by.

She exists.
Reply Sun 5 Apr, 2020 09:25 am
After a “ couple of years” relationship, if neither of you even got to the “like” stage, this was never going to happen.

Find a gal near you and work that relationship. ( and good luck with even that considering the current “ no contact” recommendations)
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Reply Sun 5 Apr, 2020 09:29 am
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me! Would you think that an LDR was a lost cause from the beginning? And do you think she's always known how I felt?
Reply Sun 5 Apr, 2020 10:27 am
abc888 wrote:

And do you think she's always known how I felt?

If you've been sending her flowers, she had to have known you had a romantic interest.

Unless of course it was only on birthdays.

I mean, what woman doesn't get flowers out of the blue and doesn't know the other person is expressing romantic interest?
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Reply Sun 5 Apr, 2020 10:32 am
LDRs aren't lost causes. But you don't have one. You. Do. Not. Have. A. Relationship.

You have a couple of years of chatting. You have a video pen pal. And that's it.

Chai's right - if you gave her flowers out of the blue, then she knows.

Now think about what that means.
Reply Sun 5 Apr, 2020 11:55 am
Definitely agreed that there wasn't a relationship. I meant to say whether attempting to build a relationship - given the distance and little time we spent in real life together - was naive. In total, we've only spent less than 20 hours of "real-life" together.
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