Is saying not beleiving in Marriage a Cope Out ?

Quote-I dont want to leave find someone else and settle just to get married.

Why do YOU want to get married?It seems you really want a wedding day.

I can understand wanting a special day where everybody gets dressed up and you feel special but you both love each other so thats whats important.

A divorced friend of mine said that he didnt recomend marriage.We talked and I suggested that he didnt want to be married to the person he was married to before.In that way it was a disaster but marriage in general is quite nice.He agreed.

Try and tell your boyfriend that he is marrying a different person and it wont be the same as it was before.But you say he felt pressured last time so dont push the issue.

Who bought up the marriage talk last night?

Could you wait a couple of years before mentioning it again?He may surprise you and propose before then.

I think it IS a committment issue. If he won't get married and you want that, you will have to make the hard decision of whether you want to stay with him. If he doesn't want what you want, all the love in the world isn't going to hold you together.

Material Girl thank you for your response, it is not about the wedding at all. It is about the spirtual aspect I guess, being able to call him my husband.

This is a tough one and exactly where I understand his views...

I do not want to pressure him.

We both Sort of brought up the talk, he is looking for another job not ruling out out of state. I mearly said that I don't beleive I could make an out of state move unless I knew we would be getting married at some point.

Mind you however that I used this as a way to bring up the concept because I have been wanting some insight as to what his thoughts on marriage were...

I am hoping that a higer power will guide us down the right path whether it be getting married eventually or going our seperate ways...But I just do not want to think negative -

Bella - I wish I could agree with the committment thing, but I really feel he is committed to me, Why signs show lack of committment? Am I missing something

We have always been open about things even things that are hard to hear so why would he just not tell me that he is unsure about the committment? He told me that it hurt him to look at me knowing that he could not promise marriage. Maybe I am a fool to believe that everything will work out in the long run - Who knows there are way to many divorces and way to many people getting married too soon.

Am I a fool for staying and living a married life but not be married legally?

Because.... People who don't want to get married either:

A) Don't believe in marriage, which we know he does because he was married before.

OR

B) Are afraid to be "trapped" in a relationship, which sounds like he is because of his past marriage.

And whether you want to believe it or not, things DO change after marriage. Even if you've lived together. They change.

Trust me.

Mr. B and I lived together for about six years before we got married and we could have lived very happily like that forever but it just started to make too much financial sense to get married.

It really only makes financial sense if you stay married forever though, especially for men - even in this day and age.

There are hundreds of reasons why legal marriage makes sense. That's why gay people want in on the deal and that's why they should be allowed in on the deal. On one old thread here I posted 100 reasons to get married, I'll see if I can find it......

Bella - He did mention that he knows it is the right thing to do in the spirtual aspect, but does not see why...

He said it was not about the feeling of being trapped, maybe he deep down has issues about this or do you think he was just not being upfront about his reasoning in the first place?

He said that maybe things will change, maybe not he could not say, but not to give up on him - what does that mean?

That he is not ready?

I was not asking him to get married now it was that I wanted to know that eventaully we would be married and he could not say that. I do appreciate the fact that he did not say something just to make me happy but at the same token what to do -

Give it time, wait a year or so and re evulate?

Ugg - thank god I found this forum

Of course he isn't going to come out and say "I am terrified to be trapped with you!" How would you feel? What would you say?

I was with a guy before I met my hubby in college. I was looking to get married in the next 5 years or so, and with this guy. We had a 2 year committed relationship going and the next logical step was to get married (in the future). I asked him if he wanted to marry me and he told me he wasn't sure. I told him later that I couldn't be with him because we didn't want the same things. We broke up over his indecision. I needed to know what the future held for us and he didn't. He called me two weeks later telling me he did want to get married some day. But it was too late. I'd already resigned myself to move on.

It's all about timing. If I'd have met that guy 2 years later, maybe we would have gotten married. Maybe not. But I met my hubby and there was no question for either of us that we wanted to be married.

My point is you shouldn't be lamenting over this. It should be something you either know or don't know. Either the man wants to marry you or he doesn't. Like boomerang said, they could have lived unmarried but thats what the BOTH wanted. You obviously want that committment of marriage. He doesn't. My suggestion is to move on. I know that is harsh and hard but I know where you are because I've been there.

1. No automatic right to make health care decisions for partner

2. No automatic right to visit partner in the hospital

3. No right to sue for wrongful death if partner negligently killed

4. No right to consent or refuse consent to an autopsy of partner's body

5. No vested right to be buried in cemetery plot with partner

6. No automatic right to inherit cemetery plot

7. No automatic right to make arrangements for funeral or dispose of deceased partner's body

8. No right to donate partner's body or organs after death

9. No automatic right to inherit deceased partner's estate

10. Required to comply with childcare facility regulations when caring only for partner's children

11. Required to comply with childcare facility regulations when caring only for partner's children

12. A prior will is not automatically revoked when the relationship ends

13. No right to be notified in a public notice before partner's will is destroyed by an attorney

14. No preference to be appointed personal representative of deceased partner's estate

15. No right to continue to live in the deceased partner's home for one year after partner's death

16. No automatic right to notice in matters involving deceased partner's estate

17. No right to support from deceased partner's estate

18. No right to demand one-quarter share of partner's estate if will leaves less than that

19. No automatic right to notice that a conservatorship or guardianship is being filed against partner unless currently living together

20. May not get highest preference by court to be appointed as guardian or conservator for incapacitated partner



21 No right to obtain life insurance on partner

22 No uninsured motorist insurance coverage for partner

23 No right to spousal cash surrender valuation of term life insurance on partner

24 No right to coverage under deceased partner's group health insurance plan.

25 No protection for partner's home in bankruptcy

26 Private conversations with partner are not protected in court

27 Conversations with a marriage counselor are not protected in court

28 No automatic education on fetal alcohol syndrome

29 No court-ordered counseling upon divorce

30 No right to crisis counseling through state crime victims' compensation fund if partner is a victim of international terrorism

31 Partner not responsible for family expenses

32 No automatic paternity for children

33 Must testify against partner in a court case

34 Must surrender home to satisfy lien for partner's unpaid medical treatment in long-term care facility

35 No right to sue long-term care facility that fails to discharge lien in a timely manner once overdue charges for partner are paid

36 No right to sell property qualified for farm use assessment to partner without disqualification

37 No right to avoid court appointment of a property manager during foreclosure of partner's home

38 No right to maintain a dwelling on EFU (exclusive farm use) property even if occupied by farm operator's partner

39 No right to maintain a dwelling in a farm or forest zone even if lawfully created or acquired by the owner's partner

40 No right as a partner to a landowner to obtain a "landowner preference tag" for hunting from the Fish & Wildlife Commission

41 No right to private visits in long-term care facility

42 No right to receive personal effects from deceased partner's body

43 No access to partner's death record

44 No automatic right of survivorship for jointly owned real property

45 No right to loss of support payments from the state crime victims' compensation fund if partner killed in a crime

46 No right to family therapy from state crime victims' compensation fund in case of child sexual abuse

47 No right to crisis counseling through state crime victims' compensation fund if partner is a victim of international terrorism

48 No right to exclude capital gain on principal residence based on partner's ownership

49 No court-ordered life insurance upon divorce

50 No right to deduct partner's medical expenses on income tax return

51 No right to receive deceased partner's wages

52 No right to deceased partner's wage claim against non-paying employer

53 No right to work on partner's farm for less than minimum wage

54 No eligibility for scholarship if partner is disabled or killed on the job

55 No right to sue for partner's death that was a result of an unsafe workplace

56 No right to workers' compensation benefits if partner disabled or killed on the job

57 No right to opt out of workers' compensation insurance as a family business

58 No right to sue non-employer for negligently killing partner on the job

59 No right to continue workers' compensation benefits until remarriage if partner is killed or disabled on the job

60 No right to examine or get copy of autopsy report of deceased partner



61. No right to receive personal effects from deceased partner's body

62. No access to partner's death record

63. No automatic right of survivorship for jointly owned real property

64. No right to sell property qualified for farm use assessment to partner without disqualification

65. No right to loss of support payments from the state crime victims' compensation fund if partner killed in a crime

66. No right to family therapy from state crime victims' compensation fund in case of child sexual abuse

67. Must pay taxes on employer health insurance benefits for partner

68. No right to exclude capital gain on principal residence based on partner's ownership

69. Must pay taxes on employer health insurance benefits for partner

70. No right to deduct partner's medical expenses on income tax return

71. No right to receive deceased partner's wages

72. No right to deceased partner's wage claim against non-paying employer

73. No right to work on partner's farm for less than minimum wage

74. No eligibility for scholarship if partner is disabled or killed on the job

75. No right to sue for partner's death that was a result of an unsafe workplace

76. No right to workers' compensation benefits if partner disabled or killed on the job

77. No right to opt out of workers' compensation insurance as a family business

78. No right to sue non-employer for negligently killing partner on the job

79. No right to continue workers' compensation benefits until remarriage if partner is killed or disabled on the job

80. A prior will is not automatically revoked when entering a new relationship


81. No automatic right to special retirement benefit after death of partner who was a police officer or a firefighter

82. No right as unmarried couple with children to be treated as married for workers' compensation rights and benefits

83. No automatic right to partner's group insurance provided by public retirement system.

84. No right to opt out of unemployment insurance as a family business

85. No right to receive deceased partner's unemployment benefits

86. Required to comply with farm labor contractor regulations when working only with partner

87. Subjected to employment discrimination laws when hiring partner in family business

88. Employer can refuse to hire or discharge employee because it employs or has employed partner

89. No protection through emergency court orders in case of divorce

90. No tax exemption for dividing property upon divorce

91. No dividing retirement plans upon divorce

92. No automatic right to receive partner's judicial retirement pension

93. No automatic right to make retirement selection from deceased partner's public employee retirement benefit

94. No automatic right to partner's pre-Medicare insurance benefit provided by public retirement system

95. No automatic right to partner's Medicare supplemental insurance paid for by public retirement system

96. No automatic right to approve partner's public employee retirement choices

97. No automatic right to special pre-retirement public employee retirement benefit after death of partner who was a judge

98. No right for partner of disabled or killed public safety officer to Public Safety Memorial Fund benefits

99. No automatic right to receive partner's public employment benefits

100. No right to retired partner's health insurance offered by local government employers

Well, I think maybe first determine how important it is for you to be married, and why. I know lots of people in long-term relationships who never got married and don't intend to. Nothing wrong with that, if both of them feel the same way. You obviously don't feel the same way now, but marriage is also one of those things that are just in the ether, we can form judgements without carefully examining them.

So could be worth it to carefully examine why you want to get married, first -- there is always the chance that you'd decide it's not worth leaving this guy over.

Bella you are wise and very strong...

I do agree with you but it's just hard especially when you cannot picture yourself with another....but you've been there so you no.

What if I had the same talk you did - a bit down the road after he is in a new job and not stressed out let him know that this is bothering me and that I need to move on if he does not know...

Does that sound like a threat? I do not mean it to be but your right, how much time do I waste with someone that does not have my same future goals in mind...

UGG ....

I think I need to really give this some serious thought and make a decision soon..

Thanks

LTA relationships are all very well when the world is full of sunshine and your hearts are young and gay. A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper.

As Boomerang's list makes clear, an official marriage has many, many benefits. The financial advantages are obvious. Just as important is the lack of red tape. Noah's Ark and Modern Bureaucracy both function by counting by two.

Ask your SO who he would rather have making decisions for him if he can't make his own--you or his parents?