No intimacy with wife!!

crazyaide--

Welcome to A2K.

You can either live with the situation as it is, change the situation, or leave the marriage.

Have you suggested to your wife that there are other areas of marriage--besides sex--that you'd like to discuss with a counselor? If she is unwilling to discuss anything with an outsider, talk to a counselor yourself to discover your own best path.

While it is normal for a woman to lose her sex drive after having a baby, not wanting to fix the problem is odd. The fact that your wife does not want to see a doctor and is not responding to your desires or even good deeds is a bad sign. You may not want a divorce, but I think you are already in the middle of one.

You will have to explain to your wife that your happiness as a couple depends on her at least trying to get help. If she does not think it is important, it is her way of saying she does not think your marriage is important.

Will your wife see a doctor for a check-up, crazyaide?



<welcome to able2know>

She gets upset when I mention a doctor or counsling. I've mentioned a few weeks ago that if things cant change then its time for a break , meaning I move out. I thought that would give some indication that I was serious about this problem and am willing to work through it together.

So what did she say?

Man , start showing more interest on other activities.
Don't go in for a divource. You have been really patient.
Now that you have a baby , you give a lot of your care to the baby.
Watch for sometime.
Come back after that. We will see what to do.

Do you help to look after the baby?
Maybe if the kid is taking up all her time, she may feel lost/freed up if you took over baby duties and she could start seeing her life differently.

Heya, firstly, youre trying really hard to make things work and that's really good of you. Perhaps she's depressed- do you guys still talk and laugh together, or has your friendship fallen on it's face as well? If it's just the sexual aspect but youre still really good friends I don't think it should break up your marriage because it would mean losing an awesome companion, your best friend and the mother of child, the woman you love more than anyone else only 5 years after the peak in your relationship. Maybe she feels uncomfortable being intimate when your child is close by or in the next room, or maybe she's just fatigued and would rather just relax for a bit. She might just get over it and the pressure you apply for councilling may add resentment. She's obvoiusly feeling quite insecure and upset at this point as she suggested all you think about is sex. Maybe you should talk about her feelings or do something fun together like have a dinner party or a minibreak to show her how much she means to you and how much fun you can still have. If she feels truly valued, beautiful, and accepted then I'm sure she'll realise the man she married is lovely and you'll get the intimacy youre after. Good luck. :wink:

Married, no sex for years
I'd love to hear a magic solution to your problem. My son is now 3-1/2. I have not had sex for over 4 years (our son was conceived by in vitro fertilization). I wouldn't have believed marriage would be this bleak. I married at age 40 for the first (and I hoped only) time. I'm now 50. So's my wife.
I go to counseling weekly, but she won't. I love my son, but I've become less and less enamored of my wife. I want my son to have two parents present in his life. But I expect and hope to live a long life (my parents are in their 80's and fairly active).
Sex was an important part of my life when I was single. Now it's non-existent, and I'm continually working on my attitude about what is important to me, my son, and those around me. I don't want to admit failure after marrying so late, but I want a fulfilling life.
For a short while, while we were "courting", sex was pretty good. I admired my wife for her work-ethic, honesty, and found her attractive, too. But I admit I didn't look at my doubts early on, blinded by emotion. Now I often daydream about previous girlfriends and what could have been.
And if someone gives me advice about getting her interested, keep in mind I've tried everything from asking for sex, giving massages, acting uninterested in sex, pleading, ignoring, you name it. My counselor, a woman, says I need to not expect her to ever be interested. Can I hold out without sex until I die, my son grows up, or the earth crashes into the sun?

Wow- seems like quite a pattern... do you think that's what's causing so many affairs and divorces... just the lack of sex between the couple? Welcome to A2K A-109, hope you stick around.

I don't think the lack of sex is the cause of divorce...
I think it's a symptom. In my case, anyway. But somehow my closed mind can't comprehend the solution to the bleak love life I'm experiencing. Perhaps if I ever "think outside the box" (hope that's not a pun), I'll encounter a solution. Meanwhile, I'm father to my 3-year-old son, trying to pay the bills, handle my job, and keep my health and spirits up. And I'm, hopefully, trying to be a decent human being to both my wife and those around me. All without overextending myself--

Re: No intimacy with wife!!
WELL what type of job do you have and what type of job she has if you dont mind me asking.

I'm a utility worker, driving a truck. She's a secretary. Both of us are college grads, both of us 50 years old.

Well at that age i think it m ay just be a medical problem,lots of females have that problem that make them not interested in love makeing it could be that it is very uncomfortable with her to engague in sex or other problems and getting her to admitte to it seems like a problem also. any way shes holding something back, try to find another way to talk to her, and find out what the problem is or try councling. if she will go.

A-109, when you have sex with your wife, does she complain of physical pain? Also, is she repelled by the idea of sex; does she think it is "dirty"? Either problem would suggest a visit to the physician's office or the psychologist's office. But if she finds she has solved her problem, if it's physical pain, avoid sex, and if it is repulsion, avoid sex, then HER problem is solved, unless she considers her marriage to be something to preserve. If she is convinced that you can live without sexual intimacy, she'll continue as she is. It's a real problem. If you both want sex and you want the marriage which provides stability for your kid, you're caught between a rock and a hard place. Good luck.

Yep. That about sums it up. I fantasize about finding a partner outside marriage. But I'm not ready to move farther.

,
A problem--or should I say danger?--A-109, is that if you feel anger because of your frustration, if you feel that you are suffering an injustice, an unjustified deprivation, you'll be very vulnerable to having an affair with an attractive "other woman." You'll feel, perhaps, that you are justified in having an affair, in having your legitimate needs met.
Notice that I phrased the situation (sympathetically) in the way you might phrase it. The reality is that if you take advantage of such an opportunity you WILL be guilty of betrayal. You simply have to resolve the problem up front (even if this involves divorce) in order not to be guilty of betrayal. Then, again, I know people who do not consider "betrayal" to be such a bad thing, in a situation such as yours.
It's all very complex. It's more a matter of situation ethics than absolutist morality.
Good luck.

Yes, I have a dilemma. I can bear with this situation with the possibility of eventually finding an secret amour. Or I can confront my spouse now, with the likelihood of divorce and trauma for my 3-year-old son.
I need to use fuzzy logic. I think that I'll either learn to be happy living platonically, or I'll learn to rationalize that an affair is acceptable. Or somewhere between those two extremes, if there's such a thing.

If you continue to be and feel rejected, you may lose your sexual attraction to your wife. Then you'll be complicit in a pattern of joint celibacy. That wouldn't be so bad if you were considerably older. But fifty is pretty young to give up sex. As I see it.