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Sat 25 Jun, 2005 04:21 pm
Hello-
I am a guy, a husband, posting something that is currently tearing me apart and I am afraid will tear my marriage apart...
I am currently 33 years old and have been married for 8 years. My wife and I have attempted to have children twice now and had gotten pregnant each time. Unfortunately, with a mis-shapen uterus, each pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. After the last, we had gone to a specialist and with surgery, "took care of everything" and we have had a green light for over a year now.
(Ok, here is the issue) We are in a position in our lives where our friends are on their first child, or having their second child. With that, each time we get together with friends, we are getting together with their children as well. I never knew until recently, I love kids (not in that sicko way)! Our friends have children anywhere from the age of 18 months to three years. I love being around them, playing with them, babysitting, etc and I desperately want one of my own. My wife and I have discussed this several times over the past eight months, but we have only had a serious conversation recently. Apparently, she feels that she NEVER wants children and she has told me that the two times we were pregnant were a mistake and she never wanted the children. Needless to say, that crushed me! I asked her, "how were the two pregnancies mistakes? we talked about it, did not use any kind of birth control and were extremely happy each time, until it abruptly ended." She just turns around and walks away at that point.
I really want kids of my own, but I am not sure I can stay with her, with her thought of NEVER wanting kids, at all. I have asked her if she is still scared (because of the two miscarriages), and she says no, she just DOES NOT want them.
I keep asking myself what do I do and I am afraid that inadvertently, I am becoming distant and pushing myself away from her.
Please let me know you thoughts or suggestions to help.
Thank you
Hi pokefan,
Wow, there are so many possibilities there. Your idea that she is scared is an interesting one; the fact that she denied it might mean something and might just mean that she didn't want to talk about it.
Have you tried counselling yet? Even just for dealing with the two miscarriages, if you don't want to get into the deeper stuff yet. I know that it can be emotionally shattering, and there are a few possible ways that she is dealing (or not dealing) with it in such a way that the result is what you've described.
There's something about actually being around kids that activates the desire to have one. I wanted to in a general way until I helped take care of my newborn niece for a week, which I've called "flicking the switch" -- after that it was no longer general, I HAD to have a baby, posthaste. I've seen my daughter do that to other people in turn.
Good luck.
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