Sat 21 Dec, 2019 05:36 pm
This guy has been my friend since the past 5 years and all in all I can say he is a good person. That being said, I find him very annoying. He is 27 years old and he is constantly talking about this childhood. If anyone else is sharing their problem he will find a way to make it about himself. He has this need to always talk about what happened in school, with his cousins, his great father (a recurring topic) etc. His stories are always a bit exaggerated and anyone is close to him can tell that there is no way this guy did the thing he is saying he did. He is timid and awkward in social situations but acts like a lion when he's with his close friends, I happen to be one of them so I couldn't help but notice these things over the past few years. He cannot handle criticism well, or at all, and is always in a defensive state. The most annoying part about him is his need to oppose every view presented to him. He has the need to play devil's advocate for everything, regardless of the fact that the information presented could be totally new to him. He will still oppose and never just agree. He has taken a lot of bigoted stances just for the sake of playing devil's advocate. This has made me question my friendship with him as I'm not sure I feel comfortable being friends with a bigot. But considering he has been my friend so for long I have this urge of helping him, letting him know that its annoying and he needs to change his perspective about a few things. However, as I said before, he does not take criticism well, even from his closest friends, and is defensive about everything. Every conversation with him turns into an argument and at this point it is really draining. I don't feel like talking to him about any topic as I'm afraid it will turn into an argument.
I studied psychology in school so I understand his issues root from his childhood, my best bet is he did not get as much attention when he was a kid (he was an obese kid) and maybe bullied? (not sure about this, his stories have dropped a few hints of being bullied by his cousins). He lost a lot of weight now and is almost too proud, borderline cocky, about it. He is a virgin and has never has a girlfriend, doesn't seem to be interested in one. Every time we bring up the topic of him getting a girlfriend he goes silent, probably the only time he's silent because he talks A LOT. Unnecessarily a lot. I just need some help with understanding what could be the reasons he is the way he is. For me, it feels like he never mentally grew past the age of a teenager. Let me know if you need some more background information, I would really love to dissect what is happening so I could adopt an approach to help him.
@MsWaffles,
Apart from him potentially being your science project, what do you get out of the relationship? Everything I am reading here shows me an egotistical child who seems trying at best. Don't say you feel the need to remain friends because you've been friends for 5 years. You're allowed to break off the friendship. You do not have to tolerate him forever.
@jespah,
Thank you for replying! He has been a good friend, helped me when things were a little tough in my life so I just feel the need to give him the benefit of the doubt. I feel there are a lot of areas in his life where he is just naive. He misses a lot of social cues and doesn't understand that people are not trying to talk to him. I don't think he has any mental disorder or even on any spectrum. I would like for his life to get better but your are right I don't have to tolerate him forever. I guess I'm just trying to see if I take make things better before I cut ties.
Immaturity? The male brain is not fully developed until after 27, some say 40.
Or personality disorder.
Or in the autistic spectrum, maybe aspergers.
Who knows?
Anyway, he’s not your job to fix.
@MsWaffles,
Hi, Your friend is a narcissist. It is a personality disorder, generally brought on by some type of childhood trauma (in a nut shell) he will feed off of you as long as you let him.
Change gender as required.
If you are uncomfortable to be friends with this person, then you do not need to force yourself. If your friend does not worry about you and your feelings, then I do not think that this is a good friend. You tried to talk to him and nothing came of it, you are good for trying to help him, but do not forget about your feelings. Have a nice day!
@MsWaffles,
Everyone comes with their problems. It depends on how good a friend you think he is. It appears, despite his words, that you value what he does more. That's not necessarily a bad thing, as there are plenty of people who are smooth with words, but never give of themselves through action (ie. all words, no substance to the friendship). And perhaps you don't really believe he's a bigot, but don't like his taking an opposing view so much (you say he does it just for the sake of it, so it appears you don't think he actually means what he says).
It appears to me you are trying to clarify to yourself what you think is best. Rather than be influenced by people who really, really don't know anything about your friend - why not work it out for yourself (ie. work out what you value, what weight you put on those characteristics, and whether the friendship will last a long time for you)
@MsWaffles,
He obviously
likes confrontation.
Confront him with this. Give him what he wants.
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