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Getting a crush on co-worker, how to avoid/prevent it?

 
 
worker
 
Reply Tue 10 Dec, 2019 12:28 pm
So I might be getting a crush, or actually I am thinking too much about my project manager, even outside of work time.

So I am working for this company since the very beginning, and she is around for around half a year or so. We have developed fairly good but still professional relationship with no problems since from the start. I am naturally very open and outgoing, so I am easy to talk too with everybody in the office.

She was constantly laughing to my jokes, so she was really laughing her ass off about these. So she got my jokes, and I like she gets them. We got along really fast.

So after a couple of months we then stayed longer in the office together, just the two of us, working and then we also started going out to dinners and so.

We talked as friends, but we were talking also about personal and not work related things. So one time she started saying to me about her boyfriend, that she could break up with him soon, because it’s not the same anymore and so on, and we were talking also a bit more about intimate topics, and she was asking me if I don’t fantasise sometimes about someone or something like that..

We went out, we got drunk, we danced whole night. I was even at her place, at her room, while she was changing her clothes (looking away ofcourse).

OK, but I was actually focused on a girl I met abroad, a few weeks prior while I was on a vacation there, and I also told her about this abroad girl, and now she asks me almost everytime about her when we go out to dinner.

So in the office there were also some touches from her side sometimes and so on. She would also take jokes at me, and prolly if you’d ask other people in the office all of them would say we are pretty close.

——-

And lately she went even some steps further, she started calling me each morning to wake me up, so that I am not late & we are usually going home together with her car. Sometimes she even brought me lunch to the office and so on ands so on. I mean she is really kind to me, like giving me special treatment, the things she doesn’t do for other co-workers.

And sometimes I brought her a croissant, usually when she would be bothered by something I did as I way to make her feel better/to say sorry.

I had no feelings whatsoever to her, I always treated her just as a colleage, a co-worker, a friend perhaps, but nothing more than that. Since she has a boyfriend and she is my co-worker.

We also had some disputes/pissed off moments one week ago, but it was regarding work related things. Mostly she was pissed on me for some things, like me jumping into her field of area, or not letting her finishing her sentences for which she called me that I am spoiled.

But lately I got this tought in my had, a couple of times, that she might fancy or that one other co-worker also fancies her. It triggered some sort of protection/jealous mechanism, which now makes me think like I have a crush on her, so I am actually thinking about her & all this quite a bit.

I am a good worker and I really like what I do, I am professional about it, but now these things are getting a bit in the way of me having a trouble to focus sometimes.

She is like my workwife, I was even kidding about this, but now I need to restrain myself for not going too far with this.

I have very analytical brain I think, and I can tend to overthink some things and overanalyse, and that’s why this can be a problem, since I can think about something too much than it’s needed.

I’d either need some solid proof, she is not fancying this co-worker, or I need to somehow be indifferent to this and I would be at peace.

——-

I want to force myself, to forget it and to let it go, and to not fall in love with her because that would be disastrous.

And the thing is, this girl I met abroad, we talked every night for at least 2-3 hours, sometimes even whole nights, we slept together with our phones on and she is really fond of me. But we are 1600 km away from each other, but it seems she is really into me. I’d also like to be into her since it is much much more safer thing.

I’d like to know what are your thoughts and views on this, how would you cope with it?
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 10 Dec, 2019 01:08 pm
@worker,
If you want to avoid this, you need to spend less time with the project manager outside of work.

A lot less time.

As in, you don't go to dinner together, you don't go drinking or dancing with her, etc.

It also means you stop discussing private stuff with her. If she bitches to you about her boyfriend, say, "I'm sorry to hear that." And then change the subject. If you're at work, make your next topic about work. "I don't think we have enough time to get this report out." or "Did you understand the latest HR bulletin?" or "Have you seen ___? I need to talk to him/her/them about ___."

If your project manager persists, disengage from the conversation by going away, Go back to your desk. And if this is happening at your desk, say, "Excuse me." And then go to the men's room or really go talk to a different colleague about work stuff.

Right now, your PM has received very heavy signals from you that you are interested in her. You may not have intended for things to be interpreted that way, but that's the thing about communications -- the speaker has no control over how the listener interprets things.

Back off, and keep deflecting. If the PM persists, then you may need to tell her outright that you only like her as a friend, and that's that. But I would recommend avoiding this, at least at first, because you still have to work with her.

And that means work. Work should be for work, not socializing. Yes, people chat, they gossip, etc. I don't dispute that, and those things are necessary in a work environment so you're not all mindless drones. But this has gone a lot further than asking how the local sports team is doing.
worker
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Dec, 2019 07:22 pm
@jespah,
Hey @jespah,

Thanks for your answer, I agree with you fully and I intend to do that. For starter, I’ll stop going home with her, with her car and instead go with a bus, even if this takes me half an hour longer.

We actually haven't gone out for quite some time now, let's say over a month, or month and a half.

Now she started teaching company employees Russian language, and ofcourse I won’t be attending this lessons (there are also other reasons for this, but even if there wouldn’t be I wouldn't).

 And she is organising some office events for holiday, and ofcourse I kind of want to avoid that too if possible (even though, this could be perceived as a bit strange, since I am very open and sociable person in the company, I’d say one of the most).

——
But I am guessing the reason for me to be having some sort of feelings towards her is that:

It surprises me how I haven’t seen her/fancy her in that way before, but then I started thinking she could fancy another co-worker and he could fancy her which made me kind of jealous or competitive, and only because of this I started thinking more about her. 

I don’t know if this could be her tactic of making me jealous or more drawn into her, as in to show me a point like “you are not the only one out there”. Ofcourse I can’t do the same to her, since we don’t have a lot of women in the office actually.

I once mentioned to her that this abroad girl with whom we have some sort of long distance relationship, that she might come to our country for the Christmas holidays and my PM went into more serious mode and said something like "And you, ofcourse said no" and I was like "no, why would I say no?" and I think my PM was acting a bit sad after that, like she called her boyfriend some minutes after that and she was just more serious for that day (but it was at the end of the workday).

But all of this it could be just my speculations/assumptions. 

So, I think it’s just because of this competitivenes that I feel something more for her, because before even with the going outs and the dinners, I was totally at peace with it. And I kind of want to let go of this jelaousy/competitivenes, to become indifferent to her, so that her actions can't affect me. Basically developing some sort of a shield about this. That's the goal.

And now I don’t know actually, did she even fancied me as something more even, or it was just something for fun.



And the saddest thing of all is that this woman abroad, really likes me and I want to be in love with this girl from abroad and I want to achieve that.
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