Wat I know about history.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread made without any
ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an
overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. Eventually, the Romans
conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed
in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made a king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries, Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born
in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. He
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and
the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War
and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats
backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and wrote a book called
Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Newton. It is chiefly noticable in the
autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced
on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and capitlated
into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a
moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended
her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
Charles Darwin was a naruralist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman
Curie discovered radio. And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

This proves I know all about history.