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Tue 21 Jun, 2005 08:23 pm
Hello!!
Someone is going to go in for his 'master of finance and control' a course offered in the university. In the application form a student wanting to stufy the above subject is required to write 10 lines about why he is inerested in the course.
I have written it below. Can someone make better?
"In this world of trde and commerce and breakneck competition one can not afford ignore finance related fields. Everyone needs to have a basic knowledge about the way financial matters of commercial instututions are dealt with. And those, who have an interest in the field, must be trained to meet the challenges which are likely to come in such fields. Since I have always been interested in finance related fields I think this course can provide me a wealth of information on the way the system works. A basic idea on the subject will prove insufficient at a proffesssional level. Proper training by highly qualified and experienced faculty is highly essential in this field since the field demand special skills. After reading the prospectus of 'Utkal University' which provides such a course that aims at increasing the managerial competence I find myself greatly inclined to go in for this course."
Thank you in advance for taking the pain to rephrase this
"In the world of trade and commerce one cannot afford to ignore the financial aspects of business. Everyone needs to be knowledgeable about finance, and those who have an interest in the field must be trained to meet the challenges which are likely to come. Since I have always been interested in finance, I think this course will provide me a wealth of information on the way finance affects today's commercial and business environment. Basic knowledge on the subject will prove insufficient at a professsional level. Proper training by highly qualified and experienced faculty is essential in this field since special skills are demanded. After reading the prospectus of 'Utkal University' which provides a course that aims at increasing managerial competence I find myself strongly motivated to attend this course."
I smoothed out some English phrases, tightened sentences by deleting redundant words, and fooled around with punctuation a little. I used a bit more formal wording in places ("attend" rather than "go in for", for example). One thing I noticed is near the beginning you said "Everyone needs to have a BASIC knowledge", and then later said "A BASIC idea... will prove insufficient" so I took out the first basic, since that's not enough for you.
Good luck!
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