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Tue 21 Jun, 2005 02:16 pm
I'm a 31-year-old male, married, father of a beautiful baby girl.
I've never actually met my biological father or his family. He and my Mom divorced when she was pregnant with me, and he signed away all rights to me at my Mom and grandparent's request. My Mom married the man that adopted me when I was two years old, and he is and always will be my Dad.
Yesterday I got a phone call from my mother telling me that my biological father took own life last week.
His mother had called my Mom's mother and my Mom to tell them of the news. I'm not entirely sure of all of my reasons for doing so, but I felt compelled to call his mother and offer my condolences and to finally meet her. She seemed like a very sweet lady and genuinely interested in meeting me. Since I will be taking my family through her part of the state next month, I offered to stop by and meet her, to which she seemed very delighted. She said that she would try to get as many of my half-siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins to be there.
During my telephone conversation with my biological father's mother, she expressed that his depression was in part due to the fact that he had never met me.
Am I crazy to imagine that some of my biological father's family might partially blame me for his depression and eventual suicide because I did not reach out and try to meet him?
I will not accept such blame, but would like advice on how to deal with people that might harbor animosity toward me in this way.
pinch, There's nothing you have done or haven 't done that makes you guilty of your father's suicide. Gat that thought out of our head. A baby is not responsible for their parent's divorce or anything else. Otherwise, I think it only natural that you would want to meet with your blood relatives. Go for it.
did he ever try to get in touch with you? or because he signed his rights away was he not allowed?
i am glad you realize that it is not your fault, nor should you harbor any guilt for it.
as far as dealing with those who may harbor animosity towards you? hmm tough one. it may be that they are just so hurt they need to blame "someone" other than him for it. that doesn't make it right however. the only thing i can think of is rather antagonistic which in a situation like this would be making things worse. i mean my first thought was, if it was so important he meet you, why didn't he ever try to find you, and why did he sign his rights away?
i wish you the best with this.
Re: Dealing with the suicide of a father I never knew.
pinchehoto wrote:Am I crazy to imagine that some of my biological father's family might partially blame me for his depression and eventual suicide because I did not reach out and try to meet him?
I would be very surprised if anyone felt you were to blame in any way for your biological fathers suicide. If someone were to treat you as if you held a smidgeon of blame, I'd remind them that you weren't given the option to have him in your life - he made that decision not you.
I wonder if that was even a (wrong-headed) attempt on her part to make you feel better -- to show that he did care about you, even though he signed away his rights.
As in, it may or may not be true, may have been something that she came up with in a "wow my biological grandson is on the line" moment.
Yes, I agree with sozobe. If I got a call from a grandson I never met before, I would invite him to meet his other relatives without any thought of blaming him for my son's suicide.
The fact that your grandmother knew how to contact your mother makes me think that perhaps she has kept tabs on you both but didn't want to interfere with or complicate your life.
Have you talked to your mom about this?
You might suggest to your grandmother that for this initial meeting that it just be you and her. That would give you the chance to feel the situation out.
I agree with soz, it might have been a wrong-headed way of letting you know that your father thought of you throughout his life. I'm sure he did.
But his suicide is not your fault. No way. No how.
I thank you for posting this and I'll be reading the responses with interest. I hope you come back to report on the meeting. I'll be filing this information away for possible future reference....
boomerang, If my guess is right, the grandmother will protect her grandson from false charges against him for her son's suicide. I see no need to limit the meeting with other family members.
Quote:Am I crazy to imagine that some of my biological father's family might partially blame me for his depression and eventual suicide because I did not reach out and try to meet him?
Depressed people do not think clearly. Your biological father was in a downspin. He felt he had made a mess of his life, failing his parents, failing you, possibly failing your mother.....
He was not thinking clearly and anyone that he talked to would have noticed that he was not thinking clearly.
I cannot imagine that your by-blood grandmother would invite anyone to meet you who felt you were responsible for your father's death. Remember, he was the adult. You were the child.
Enjoy your family reunion with a clear conscience.
I too think she was, in some way, trying to tell you how badly he felt about not having you in his life. Not as a source of guilt for you but as a missed source of pride for him. I would go with your initial instincts that she seemed like a very sweet lady and genuinely interested in meeting you. Go to the meeting with your conscience clear, but perhaps a bit on guard in case you run into Phoenix's Cousin Ann.
Phoenix and J_B have a point. Research has shown that 98.3 percent of the families in the world have a Cousin Ann.
We mothers have a strong tendency to try to apologize for our children. To try to explain their actions to others. I think the biological grandmother was trying, in some way, to make up for the fact that her son hadn't been involved in his life. She was trying to smooth things out so he would have a better impression of his father.
Whether or not it had this effect, I think her motives were good. She wants to have a good visit. I think he should go.
Thank you all for your kind and supporting words. You really helped me put everything in perspective. I met my half-brother for the first time on Saturday and it seems like everything is going to be all right. I'm going to meet the rest of the family next Saturday and I'm am really looking forward to it.
Thank you so much.
-PH
I'm glad to hear your intro meeting with the other side of the family went well. I think you'll enjoy this weekend as well.
Thanks for the update and be sure to let us know how the meeting with the rest of your relations turns out.
And don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel.
Pinchehoto--
I'm glad your family affairs are untangling nicely--and that we could help. Let us know how your weekend goes.
@pinchehoto,
My father commited suicide when I was 3months old. and his parents would have nothing to do with me and told their other children if they would have contact with me they would disown them. I am 32 yrs old now and have tryed to contact them 3 times since I was 20. My fathers dad had passed away about 5 yrs ago. My last attempt was in 2011 I sent my dads mom a Christmas picture card with my husband and our 5 children. She sent it back with a stick it note attached that she did not want my pictures
it's very hard to deal with my fathers uncles one from each side have always treated me well even came to my wedding . One of my dads sisters was secretly in my life untill I tryed to contact her parents when I was 21 I just do not understand
@Shan22,
Probably you don't know all the story. Seems like there's a LOT of hurt in that entire family,and you are getting the brunt of it.
Is there someone that you can talk to about this, so you can get the ENTIRE picture - just to answer your own questions? A more distant relative who knows all.
My ex-husbands grandfather committed suicide, hanged himself. NO ONE would talk about it or the possible reasons why. It was the family's secret. But no one would even begin to talkl about it. The "shame" was too much for all of them.
Good luck. And I am sorry for your hurt. You and your family sound wonderful. You don't deserve to be held responsible for family "secrets."
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